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Jeni
New member
Username: Jeni
Post Number: 2
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 02:15 am: | 
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I recently told my longtime boyfriend about my spanking fantasies and I've looked for advice on the internet without much luck. My biggest question is how do those of you in normal husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships make this work in the real world? Or if you had this kind of relationship before how did it work?
It seems everywhere I've looked for advice about couples its about domestic discipline or the people on the site have cyber relationships and never see each other or they aren't romantically involved with their partner. I noticed several of people here are living in spanking rellationships and their husband or boyfriend spanks them regularly. If your not in a domestic discipline relationship, how do you work spanking into your life? I don't want to be spanked for a reason expect that it excites me. I can't seem to find many couples who spank for fun and not discipline.
How do I explain what kind of spanking I want? I really need help because I get so embarrassed every time I bring this up. I can barely say the word spanking.
Sorry for all the questions all at once.
Jeni |
Subbie
Spanko
Username: Subbie
Post Number: 76
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 04:17 am: |
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Jeni, you are not alone,for me it is erotic, a sexual experience and we don't live a DD live style, nothing wrong with DD, but just not for me.
It can be hard finding the right person, you not only have to find the right person for all the every day things and have the passion too, as far as spankings go I would give him a smack just fooling round and he would give me one back. once I felt comfortable with him, I let him know I wanted a spanking before we had sex. of course timing is everything and you have to pick the time when you feel it is right.
We have all the other issues couples have, work, money, families etc. we don't schedule spankings, just let it happen, and that seems to work for us,
Talking to your hubby or bf is the most important thing, you both have to be on the same page. I hope this helps some, and there are others in the group that can give you some good advise. best wishes and good luck
my name says it all
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Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 574
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 06:30 am: |
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Jeni...I have been married for a LONG time, and rest assured, it was difficult for me to bring up the subject of spanking. Hubby and I do not live a true DD lifestyle, a lot of our spankings are erotic - but even the ones for "punishment" tend to wind up...well...with us having hot passionate sex - its just a turn-on 
Subbie is right - talking is the most thing in a spanking relationship. Often, we KNOW what we want in our heads, its just hard for us to get the words past our lips!
There is a lot of information out there, it just takes time sifting thru it all! And you asked about "making it work" in the real world. If you read thru a lot of the threads on this website, you will see that many many of us deal with children, money issues, older parents, work,.....etc....Life does get in the way sometimes, but if the two of you are willing to commit and work on what you really want...........spankings find a way to be there! 
I am sure you will get lots of tips and advice from the group - good luck!
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 781
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 10:32 am: |
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I've been married for 3 years and I met my husband in a spanking chat room. We knew what the other wanted. But I still have a hard time talking to him about spanking sometimes. I get ideas from the internet and cut and paste and e-mail him stuff all the time.
When I was married to my first husband.....I found a few stories that really felt like "me". I printed them and showed them to my husband. He wasn't agaist it....just not into it. It was a vanilla relationship and I guess that is how he wanted it to stay. He just couldn't bring himself to spank me.
So I know how you feel. It wasn't until after I was divorced and had met my current husband on line that I realized this life sytle CAN work.
Keep searching you will find something out there that will help you put this into words. |
Weasel
Spanko
Username: Weasel
Post Number: 63
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 11:10 am: |
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Jeni, I think you'll find a lot of women in the same situation you're in. I recently approached my husband about wanting him to spank me, and it's something that never occurred to him. He's my bad boy, he's a good ol' boy, ex biker, tough guy, and scrapper, but to think of spanking his wife for anything? Never happen in this lifetime. I had to bring it up, and it was really tough to do that. It's a matter of placing your dark desires, self esteem, and pride on the line. The thing that saved me was realizing that men need to be told what you want if they're not already giving you what you want. Men thrive on praise and affection, and love it when women initiate sex, so if you remember those things while you are talking to him about it, you might find success. Tell him you love him and most importantly, you trust him, and that you feel like you can talk to him about issues that make you very nervous. Assure him that he's going to make you very happy by spanking you. Take the pressure off him by telling him you only want erotic spankings. You're putting pressure on him and his self-esteem too, remember that. Perhaps if he was disciplined when young he may feel aversions to the act as an adult. If he's not a spanker, he may not have a clue how to do it the way you want, so be very very clear and specific about what you imagine him doing to you during a spanking session.
It was very hard to talk to my husband about this, because we've only known each other forever. But after a period of separation, I'd dated a spanker and really fell in love with it. I didn't really want to tell husband, "look dear, the guy I dated while we were broke up used to spank me silly and I want you to do it too..." I told him truthfully, it is a thing that sounded like a turn-on when I heard about sexy spankings, and I wanted him to try it because it would be such a turn on for me.
We're still new to the spanking scene, and my husband is starting to warm up to this. It's a work in progress. He's liking it now that he's got a few whacks in on me, and I think as time goes on that it will only get better as he becomes more comfortable with giving me what I want and need! Also, I'm becoming more comfortable with asking him for what I want!
So figure out what you want, and how you want it. Know what you want to say, and then, when the time feels right, butter him up big, and tell him!
Some day you'll spank me... er thank me for this!
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Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 575
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 12:28 pm: |
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Well said Weasel
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Obx_peach
New member
Username: Obx_peach
Post Number: 24
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 01:34 pm: |
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Jeni, I'm currently just getting started with my DH , we dated for 7 years (yes years ) and have been married for 6 years .. We do not do DD either but sometimes I tell him I've been a bad girl and he gets the hint of what I'm asking for. This site has been a great source for info. |
Arizonathief
New member
Username: Arizonathief
Post Number: 1
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 03:48 pm: |
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Hey Jeni...
I think a good way to explain the kind of spanking you want would be to find a spanking story that describes what *you* are looking for, and asking your lover to read it. After he reads it, he surely will have a question or two... which is a good place to start a conversation.
Also... I've known a number of woman that would say they like to be spanked, but they don't want real domestic discipline... and... they are usually way too embarrassed to actually ask for a spanking. Makes it a little difficult to know when they actually want a spanking, what with me not being a mind reader and all  }
The solution I've found that works best in that situation... is to come up with a trivial "rule" that when broken, results in a spanking. The more severely the rule is broken, the harder the spanking. I've used things from... keeping a daily journal... keeping the dirty clothes off the floor... keeping her pubic area shaved... etc. Little things that really don't impact anything if they don't always get done in a timely fashion.
It's a way for her to let me know, without saying anything... 'hey, I want a spanking and this is the type I want.' It also allows for some other aspects of spanking to come into play... if that interests you (now-now young lady, you know that there shouldn't be dirty clothes on the floor...).
Working it that way has made it easier on 'newbie' spankees in my experience. Something to think about when you have your little talk.
Good luck! |
Weasel
Spanko
Username: Weasel
Post Number: 65
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 06:25 pm: |
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Great advice from a guy's point of view!!! Way to jump right in AZ!
Some day you'll spank me... er thank me for this!
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1027
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Friday, June 23, 2006 - 04:47 pm: |
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Thank you all for the great comments here. Jeni has been coming to me with her questions for awhile and I've been encouraging her to join us here. I told her y'all would be helpful and you've all been great! |
Prof_top
New member
Username: Prof_top
Post Number: 8
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Monday, June 26, 2006 - 12:00 am: |
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Jeni - I am never sure how one experience can translate to another, but way back in the beginging for me, a woman on top of me simply lifted my hand off of her bottom and slammed it back down. She did it three times and than she came. Then she did other things. I have been a top since then. Best of luck. |
Gypsygirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Gypsygirl
Post Number: 300
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, June 26, 2006 - 07:00 am: |
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Hi Jeni, As you can see there are a lot of us who are into spanking but not necessarily D/D relationships. How I first introduced it with my partner was to ask him if he had any fantasies or desires that he wanted to do and I encouraged him to tell me so that we could act on it. Good manners then provoked him to ask about mine. From there on it's a case of discussing exactly what it is that you want so that he's under no preconceptions, just because somebody likes the idea of spanking doesn't automatically mean that they are going to be into every single aspect of it. True it's quite embarrassing talking about it at first but you need to have clear with each other what it is you do want and just as important, what it is you don't want. You might find that a vanilla partner doesn't differentiate at first the different areas and subtle differences that there are, and if you're new to this as well you might not yet have clear what it is that you want either, but if you take it step by step, hopefully you'll come to the right level for both of you.
I foresee spankings........LOTS of spankings
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1209
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 04:41 pm: |
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Hi Jeni, My hubby and I are in a "real spanking" relationship but it's not a 24/7 thing with us. It's a sort of forplay thing although I do get the occassional spanking for being a bit on the naughty side. Everyday things tend to get in the way and so with us, we have our fun when the mood strikes us...no pun intended.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Katie_spades
Supreme Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 634
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 07:37 am: |
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Jeni,
I wish I could help you out but Jake and I are in a DD relationship and you asked for advice from those who aren't in one, but I would listen to the others. They have brought up some very good points and made some excellent comments!
Good to see you posting and glad you joined us. Hope to hear from you in the future and I hope things go well for you!
Katie Spades: The Princess of Spanking
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Atomicpuppy
New member
Username: Atomicpuppy
Post Number: 28
Registered: 08-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 11:52 am: |
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Hi JENI,
I'm fairly new to the spanking world because I refused to discuss this with my girlfriend,at the time,she's my wife now,and I realize that I had nothing to worry about because the person you are with will either accept who you are or they won't.I know it's difficult and embarrassing,but nothing adventured nothing gained.
The problem with the internet is that it never really gives what you are looking for.
Communication is the key.Some of the advise above is great.Been looking for answers myself |
Sarahsbrat
New member
Username: Sarahsbrat
Post Number: 38
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 09:40 am: |
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Erotic spanking
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Erotic spanking can sometimes go hand in hand with other paraphilia, such as for erotic clothes or erotic humiliation.Erotic spanking is the practice of spanking another for the sexual gratification of either or both parties. Erotic spanking can be regarded as a form of BDSM activity in some cases (sadomasochism in particular), although many spanking devotees do not regard it as such.
Many spankings are carried out with the use of bare hands, or with spanking implements such as hairbrush, paddle, belt, cane, riding crop, whip, switch (rod), birch, gloves, a ruler ot martinet (see Category:Spanking implements). Erotic spankings are most commonly combined with sexual foreplay, oral sex, sexual intercourse, sexual roleplaying and/or ageplay. The most common type of erotic spanking is administered on the bare buttocks, with the spankee in many cases being fully nude, for additional sexual arousal, or for humiliation (but mainly in a BDSM context). Bondage is also combined occasionally with erotic spankings, to heighten sexual arousal and feelings of helplessness of the spankee, but is very common in BDSM relationships.
Positions for spanking include:
over the knees (OTK) or across the lap
stooped over a chair or couch
on hands and knees (bed or floor)
kneeling on a bed or ottoman, stooped over with hands on the floor
diaper position (genital exposure to enhance humiliation)
bent under the arm of the spanker
lying face down on a bed
birching block
wooden horse
Members of the Society of Janus, spanking one another at Folsom Steet Fair 2004When men spank women, they may sometimes like them to dress up as a schoolgirl, or to roleplay the part of a "daughter", "secretary", "nurse", "maid" and other roles. Men who enjoy being spanked (whether giving or receiving) may like women to wear some combination of a skirt, high heels, garter belt, nylons, and fancy panties; if the women are the spanker, men may enjoy women who dress and act superior, and dress the part of a sexually dominant female dominatrix, and also may involve the spanker role-playing the part of a strict teacher, headmistress, governess, boss, nurse, babysitter or wife.
Those interested in giving or receiving erotic spankings are sometimes (rarely) known as spankophiles or spankos. Examples include the poet Algernon Swinburne and the philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau.
A few people with a sexual interest in spanking draw on historical corporal punishment techniques used in homes, schools, courts or prisons. However they are generally careful to distinguish their consensual sexual activities from their views of child-rearing, education and public policy. Punishment spankings and erotic spankings are easy to to separate, as punishment spanking usually involve the spankee experiencing medium to extreme physical discomfort or pain in the administration of the spanking, sometimes to the point of crying, which in the context of domestic discipline, is a form of emotional release and behavioral modification, and/or mental/physical control over the spankee by the spanker.
Show him this and then talk about how you would like it to be.
Not just any naughty brat...Sarahsbrat
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Atomicpuppy
New member
Username: Atomicpuppy
Post Number: 40
Registered: 08-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 09, 2006 - 02:36 pm: |
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wow, This was a great post.enjoyed reading it and well researched. |
Prissietl
New member
Username: Prissietl
Post Number: 4
Registered: 07-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 03:21 pm: |
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You go girl!! I sure wish i were you! I still have not got brave enough to tell my hubby (of 18 years) that i am into this. he is very open minded and loves sex , we have in the past tied each other up but that is as far as our expermenting has gone. i am just so scared to bring it up....silly i know. |
Atomicpuppy
New member
Username: Atomicpuppy
Post Number: 44
Registered: 08-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 03:38 pm: |
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Nothing is silly Prissietl.
I'm sure most of us have been there at some point,I know I have.Maybe joke about it and see what he says.If you do something naughty and he comments tell him playfully that he could spank you if he wanted.
Try not to be scared as you have been together a long time and he is open minded.Talking about it is the only way forward |
Nd2bspankd
New member
Username: Nd2bspankd
Post Number: 9
Registered: 11-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, November 02, 2006 - 11:23 pm: |
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Thought I would interject something a veteran DOM told me online. If you are scared to tell your S/O your spanking desires just smack your own bottom, HARD, when lovemaking and when he/she asks what that was all about, tell them you love how it feels when it gets warm and pink. He swears that will at least get them thinking about it. You might get lucky and open a new door for them, and you.
Pink Bottom wishes.
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Blushingbride
New member
Username: Blushingbride
Post Number: 17
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, November 12, 2006 - 11:44 am: |
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Jeni and Prissie,
It is not silly to have a hard time telling your s/o that you want this. I know it was really hard for me as well. But I can say that it is well worth the effort. I didn't feel able to tell him until we were on our honeymoon, and that's after 12 years of dating (yes you did read that right  )
As someone already said (sorry, don't recall who) men don't read minds, and need to be told what we want. He definitely had the typical concerns - not wanting to hurt me, not understanding why I wanted this, etc. But through many discussions we have sorted out what we are both comfortable with. And for me at least, these ongoing discussions, while definitely needed and beneficial, are still just as hard as the first time was.
I think that it's just always hard to put that much of yourself out on a limb, risking your self esteem, pride, etc. But if it's a good relationship, then he'll respect that and will at the very least be willing to listen and give the matter some serious thought. And if he doesn't respect you enough for that much, well that speaks volumes doesn't it.
Good luck! |
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