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Shyster
New member
Username: Shyster
Post Number: 3
Registered: 07-2008
| | Posted on Thursday, July 17, 2008 - 08:05 am: | 
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I had this problem repeatedly with my last spanking partner, when during an intense play session I would get too excited and a little drunk with power; I would sometimes end up pushing things beyond what either of us would normally be comfortable with or consider reasonable.
Now to prevent this sort of catastrophe we had a safeword in place from day one, the problem is that it never got used. Ever.
I'm not a brute or anything, so I'm not talking hospitalization or blood or anything crazy. But at the same time I don't mean she would just complain about being sore in the morning. More like hurt feelings, a sense of abused trust and disrespected personal boundaries as soon as the endorphins wore off.
I'd be in for an earful and usually feeling like I deserved it. She'd feel guilty too because she knew in retrospect that she ought to have used her safeword and didn't.
On those occasions when it should have been used we were both carried away, not just me. Because while I was 'drunk with power' she'd would be in what she called 'subspace'. Neither of us fully aware of how far things had progressed.
Has anyone else had a similar problem, and how did you deal with it? |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1860
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, July 19, 2008 - 10:17 pm: |
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Before I get started, keep in mind this is my opinion as a sub who is familiar with subspace and how it feels to me. I'm speaking from a submissive's point of view. I'm not speaking for anyone but me.
This is a problem that can happen so it's best to put safeguards in place before play ever starts. I understand you're "drunk with power" but you still need to be completely aware of what your spankee is feeling. Since she may not enjoy how the scene is handled when she's in subspace, you need to learn how to deal with the situation.
First of all, you need to sit down and discuss this calmly like you would any other important issue in your lives. Don't wait until you're in the mood. That can color your take on things. Take care to note her need to have you in control of the scene and what she considers her limits, then take steps to make it happen.
Forcing yourself to take breaks may help. Go into the scene with the idea that you must stop and check on your spankee regularly. Stop, take some deep breaths, make yourself calm down, check on your partner thoroughly, get a drink of water and take a walk around the room if you have to, whatever it takes for you to gain complete control of the scene.
When you check on your partner, ask her questions and make sure she's coherent. Get to know the signs of subspace and how it effects her. Don't just ask if she wants to continue because if she's floating, she'll be happy to continue at that moment. It's later you have to worry about.
By doing these things, if she goes into sub space, you will be aware of it. If you even suspect she's there, get control of the scene and keep her limits in mind.
When someone is in sub space, it can be impossible for them to fully realize they should probably stop. A safeword will be useless at this point. I know how it is from personal experience. Dan's the one who has to decide when to stop because I sure won't want to. I'm so full of endorphins, I'd let him go on forever and I'll even tell him to keep going. He has to be responsible.
When you take the responsibility as a top to your bottom, you have to remember she's in your care and dependent on you. You can't let yourself get so lost in the scene that you forget this. It's too importatant.
I understand why she'd be upset since she willingly put herself into your hands (literally) and she feels betrayed because while she was out of it, you let things get out of hand. It's like any other condition when a person doeesn't have the capacity to say "no." I understand that you're in your own world when this happens, but as the top, you've got to learn to deal with it.
It probably sounds like it's all on you...and it pretty much is once you're into the scene. It's part of the deal when you top someone. Under normal circumstances, I'd say she should know her limits and use her safeword, but when you're in subspace you don't know your limits. Since she's not comfortable with the results, then you're going to have to figure out a way to make sure you don't go over the line.
Even if you don't get it right the first time, by trying to find a solution beforehand and talking it over with her, you might lessen the negative after effects.
(Message edited by bethie on July 19, 2008) |
Shyster
New member
Username: Shyster
Post Number: 7
Registered: 07-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, July 22, 2008 - 09:12 pm: |
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Thank you Bethie. I think that's excellent advice. I know it was good advice because it hurt my pride a bit to read it. But if you're a sub, how did you get so good at walloping somebody with the clue-by-four? 
Anyway I've got a couple more questions. Please keep in mind I've got really limited "hands on" experience here, and I think I left out an important detail before.
My ex (and only real spanking partner to date) was African (still is I suspect), so I couldn't judge the distance we'd gone by her skin colour. Even after a session that went too far, she wouldn't really be noticeably pink or red at all. Thinking about it now I guess it goes without saying that redness would be an excellent gauge to use with a fair skinned partner in sub space, even when you're in 'top space'. You just look down and say... "Whoa, that looks mighty sore. Time to lay off."
Any other warning signs I should look for next time?
Also for future reference, if I was having a session with a girl and saw she was in sub space, just zoned out and loving it, the last thing I'd want to do is snap her out of it. Should I? |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1871
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, July 22, 2008 - 10:48 pm: |
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You're welcome, Shyster. We're all here to share and I'm always willing to pass on what I've learned just like my mentors did for me when I was a newbie on the scene.
Physical signs? If you can't tell by color, you can do what Dan does. After years of being spanked, my bottom (which is light brown - or darker if I get out in the sun) doesn't get that red anymore, and even when it does, it fades fast. He goes by touch; he feels for heat and checks for any signs of welting or changes in texture.
As for other warning signs, if she's in deep subspace, she'll be zoned out and you'll be lucky to get a monosyllable out of her. But you have to be aware that subspace can effect people differently. Some people just appear really relaxed and seem to be having a great time. If you can't seem to get her full attention, or she seems a little too blissed out, you should probably assume you're on your own and act accordingly.
As for the last question, try to never bring someone out of subspace abruptly. You need to ease her down gently, give her some reassurance, and make her feel safe. Coming out of subspace can be difficult for some people. Feeling safe and secure can help fight off some of the negative feelings that some subs can have after such a heavy session.
It's those endorphins! They'll take you for a heck of a ride, but eventually it has to end and there you are back to reality. It can be a terrific jolt.
You know, that may have been part of what was going on with your ex. Neither of you had the experience to know that coming down from subspace can make you need lots of care and support. I had to really think to remember some of the first-hand accounts from others about this, but I do remember one or two saying they needed lots of reassurances from their partner or they'd feel betrayed, almost used, afterwards. I haven't had those exact feelings, but I can understand where they're coming from.
Subspace is tricky, and not everyone will experience it, so I'm glad you've taken an interest in learning more about it. I'm not the end all be all expert on the subject either so it'd be great if we could hear from others on this subject. Does anyone else out there have experience in this area? |
Shyster
New member
Username: Shyster
Post Number: 9
Registered: 07-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, July 23, 2008 - 02:37 am: |
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Thanks again Bethie, I never would have thought that coming down could be traumatic in the way you've described.
And I would also like to hear from others with experience in this area. |
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