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Smartnnaughty
Advanced Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 314
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Friday, January 13, 2006 - 04:01 pm: | 
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As I sit here in tears, I am realizing that I am over reacting. I just sent a "Dear John" text message to my BF. He gave me a very successful discipline spanking last Saturday. I was brought to tears and humbled by it.
I know we love each other and yet I have been looking for reasurrances of his love for me all week and haven't been getting anything even close. I have come right out and asked for what I needed and he still can't come through with anything. I have even told him that just to hold me for a minute and tell me I'm his girl would be enough. Still nothing.
I feel very much humbled and submissive to him since my spanking. Why do I feel so bad? I am just so hurt by his inability to connect with me at a heart level. I feel like I'm a bad person and he can't possibly love me.
What did I do wrong? What do I do now? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 620
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Friday, January 13, 2006 - 04:53 pm: |
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I'm so sorry! First of all, you didn't do anything wrong. You've asked for what you needed and for some reason he hasn't been able to come through. Will he discuss this with you at all?
One of the most important things in this type of relationship for me is open communication. You've both got to communicate.
I wish I had time to say more, but I have to run. I'm sorry. I just had to say something though. Take care, sweetie!  |
Katie_spades
Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 193
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Friday, January 13, 2006 - 07:16 pm: |
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Hun, you didn't do anything wrong. As Bethie said in this type of relationship, communication is necessary and you did exactly that. You did nothing wrong. Of course you feel horrible right now - this just happened, but if you need peace, call him and tell him that you need to talk and explain how you've been feeling since your spanking. This might help, if not him, it will definitely help you.
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Ftopinmichigan
Advanced Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 349
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 06:57 am: |
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Have you heard of the phenomenon of subdrop, or in this case spankee drop?
What happens is that there are tremendous emotions that you feel after a particularly intense session. The scene itself serves it's purpose and is usually quite exciting, even in retrospect, but after hours, or even a day or two, you may become very emotionally down, without obvious reason.
It's not an uncommon feeling at all. If you don't "live" with your boyfriend, or he's not near, you'll tend to feel it, even more so, as he won't be there for your aftercare.
Sometimes, it's hard to admit to needing aftercare, and for some it can consist of a simple hug after a scene, to needing a few hours, to even needing a few days of extra care, beyond the scene.
This happens to both men and women, and it's actually VERY common.
Typically, there's a feeling of being alone, even when you're not. The person in your life is distant to you (in your mind), even when they may not be. If they don't live with you, they're too far away, and don't respond to you in the way you want them to [and they don't know how to respond, because you don't tell them (cause you don't really know yourself), and they can't read your mind].
They don't realize your need, or in some cases (as it sounds like could be the case here, since you say you "told" him what you wanted), they actually may not care. Some spankers are only concerned with their need, and when the scene is over, their deed is done. They may also just be full of "fear" themselves. Perhaps the Top is suffered from similar emotions?
If this is your boyfriend, in the very traditional sense, then perhaps more is going on, and the after effects of the spanking, and your high emotional state just brought it to a head.
Perhaps the spanking brought about the bad feelings and emotions, but breaking up with him, via a text message (not the traditional way to break up, I must say) was brought by other feelings that you put away before. Perhaps the session and aftereffects were the catalyst for you to make up your mind on something you've thought about, yet hesitated to do.
Emotions are really high after scenes, and I hope your situation turns out the best for you.
K |
Ftopinmichigan
Advanced Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 350
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 07:01 am: |
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I just noticed the header, and I'd like to point out that, IMO, the aspect of D/s is probably NOT the reason your relationship broke up. To blame the lifestyle, is just too easy. There's more going on here, and perhaps you don't want, or can't see it just yet.
Give yourself time to think clearly, and to talk it out with him. As Bethie said, communication is important.
K |
Beachley
Advanced Spanko
Username: Beachley
Post Number: 248
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 08:52 am: |
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I won't say much because everyone else has said it so well and I agree with all that has been said. But don't blame D/s. If he can't even hold you when you ask which has nothing to do with spanking or D/s. Holding and reassurance is just part of every relationship, something else seems to be going on and I feel for you. But it is not your fault.
Maybe he is feeling uncomfortable regarding what he did during your session particularly if he himself is new to all this. Perhaps he does not know how to cope with what he is feeling. Being a Top/Dom has it's inherent problems also.
The Spice of Life is having my OWN WAY!! A spanking would be nice.
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Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 1032
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 11:23 am: |
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I have always had serious problems with sub-drop, going from mildly sad after a trip to the club, to real depression upon returning from seeing Steve. I cant think very clearly at this time, and its easy to feel like no one cares as well. It does sound as though this may have been your problem Smartnnaughty.
Tops/Dom/mes can also feel "the drop", and perhaps your guy is feeling this for the first time? If so, it is confusing and unsettling to say the least, and may be why he cant reach out to you. How has he answered your letter?
If he has been loving and affectionate up to this point, I would really wonder why he isnt helping you when you need him the most. Perhaps he feels so guilty for disciplining you this way, he cant believe you forgive him for doing something he sees as horrible? Make sure you get his side of things before breaking things off, especially if your relationship has been good up to this point.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
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Ftopinmichigan
Advanced Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 353
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 01:10 pm: |
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I don't know if this has any bearing on the topic, but after reading through the comments of others, I'm wondering if the man in question may be having feelings that are similar to some I've encountered in the lifestyle.
I've found quite a few "single" people (men and women, including myself  ) that are probably more "relationship dysfunctional" over their detachment being anything deliberate against their play partner/mate.
They are emotionally incapable of the closeness their partner thrives on, and whether they were in a D/s dynamic, or vanilla, their pulling away might just be the way they cope when things get too hot and heavy.
I know, for myself, while I've been fortunate to have been in love, several times in my life, my life experiences prevent me from allowing myself to trust sometimes. I am realizing that I can pull away, without it really affecting me (cause I'm used to it), but not realizing how it might affect my partner. (I also, not so long ago, ended a relationship with a man that seemed incapable of intimacy, on any level except play. I actually had thought there was something wrong with me, until I looked at the situation clearly, and then we later even discussed it.)
Some people can experience very highly charged emotional states, "in scene," but when it comes to real life personal interactions, it's too much to process, so pulling away is a way to push it aside, and to not deal with it. This is not to say the couple doesn't get along well enough, to begin. It's more that the emotional exchange, during the scene is very overwhelming.
I see this often in the lifestyle. When I ran the Singles group, we had some very in depth discussions, and while it wasn't directly spoken of, I could see the tendencies in many people to hide when things got too fired up.
Could he be just so scared by the high state of emotion transfer, that he felt the need to pull away, from total fear?
Just a thought.
K |
Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 1035
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 02:47 pm: |
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And here's another one...
Some women (and maybe men too) can become extremely needy when they enter into a D/s relationship, especially if they have been alone for a long time. They clutch and cling, need constant reassurance and fear that the relationship will end at any moment. The deeper they get into the submissive aspects of the relationship, the more they need feedback and support from their Dom/me.
I have this problem, and I'm lucky enough to have a partner who understands my needs and fears. I'm sure there are many days when he wants to throttle me for the way I behave when small things go wrong. I'm not saying this is definitely your problem Smartnnaughty, but its something to think about.
If under other circumstances he is the ideal boyfriend and your just now getting deeper into the D/s part of your relationship, maybe your projecting your own insecurities onto his actions?
Or maybe not. 
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
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Smartnnaughty
Advanced Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 315
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 04:28 pm: |
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Thank you, everyone, for your input. It is nice to know that people care enough to help. I haven't been around the den very much lately but I never wander too far.
I posted my question here and also emailed it to Mr. Loving DD over at the Loving Domestic Discipline site. I had posted my punishment from last Saturday on his site. With all that information, he was able to zero in on the dynamics of the situation. The first thing he said to do was to apologize to My Guy and ask for forgiveness. I did that and he forgave me. So we are continuing to talk.
It seems that my spanking opened up my emotions and left me vulnerable and raw. Since My Guy and I live 2 hours apart, not being physically together is hard. We talk every day and email and text message but it isn't like a marriage where we live together and see each other every day. It makes sense that I would look for reassurance from My Guy just to be sure things haven't changed between us. It is hard for me to feel so totally in love and then to have him be sick and not be able to take care of him about killed me.
So, we do have a good relationship. We truly love each other and that has never been the question. I worry however, that he wasn't able to give me the smallest reassurance. He is a man, after all, and they do have a tendency to be clueless sometimes. This simply gives us the opportunity to talk this through and work out our signals for what each of us needs.
We have our work cut out for us. He has a tendency to talk to much and cut me off when I'm talking. I love to hear him tell me stories but I also need to let him know that it isn't okay to interupt me when I am trying to tell him something. We also have some sexual issues to discuss. I need him to take more responsibility for bring me to climax at least every once in awhile. (I have only cum once with him in all the time we are together. Sorry if this is too much info.)
As we continue to talk to each other, we just need to work through the things that come up. For myself, being spanked successfully and feeling humbled and submissive reminds me of some childhood issues and I need to realize that this is different. This is good for me and for our relationship and doesn't mean I am a worthless person like I felt as a kid (it wasn't accurate then either.)
So thanks to each of you:
Bethie, you are Queen of the Den! Even when you don't have much time, you stop to offer an encouraging word. Communication is key to any relationship. I always tell people to keep on talking because that is the only way to work things out.
Katiespades, you are very compassionate. I did need to contact him and I did just that. I am feeling better.
Beachley, I shouldn't blame D/s. It is the working it out from a distance that is complicating matters. I will need to talk to him about his feelings, too. Thanks for the reminder.
Wolfie, the subdrop was a problem because we haven't been able to physically be together. I wasn't aware of subdrop but I have heard of subspace. Are they the same thing? I do need to think about him and how he feels. I don't usually have a problem with being extremely needy or clingy. I guess I am being a little here, though. One reassurance will probably cure all this. My Guy is very loving and we fit together so well. We just need to work through all this. Thanks for your suggestions.
Ftopinmichigan, I have greatly enjoyed reading your posts here in the den. Your perspective and understanding is always so right on target. Thank you for explaining subdrop (spankeedrop). That is exactly what was happening and it was then that I looked to My Guy for reassurance and wasn't getting it. He is very loving but we are both relative newbies to this lifestyle. So we are learning and growing in our relationship and in this lifestyle. I know we will be able to work this out. One of the reasons I was attracted to him is his ability to show up and communicate honestly. This at least gives us a real chance and working things out. Yes, it is not the D/s lifestyle but the physical distance that complicates things. You are right that I shouldn't blame D/s. Your last post was highly instructive. He wasn't pulling away--I was. When I confused him by saying I needed something and didn't get it, it was me that left and said adios. It is a pattern in my life and I need to work on that.
The bottom line is that my relationship with My Guy isn't out of the woods yet. All your input is greatly appreciated and we will both need to work hard to make things work. I am feeling optimistic again and is because all of you cared enough to offer your help.
THANK YOU FRIENDS
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Kennysspankee
Spanko
Username: Kennysspankee
Post Number: 90
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 04:50 pm: |
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Does he know about sub-drop and that he has to put a little effort into giving you some affection at this time? Tell him. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 1940
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2006 - 05:00 pm: |
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SNN, sorry to jump in late here. I am glad that you have analyzed the situation and are working towards a resolution. No relationship works easily all the time. It is always worth putting the time into bettering the situation before you throw it away. When things rear up like this it can end up strenghtening the relationship.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Smartnnaughty
Advanced Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 316
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, January 15, 2006 - 02:02 pm: |
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Kennysspankee, My Guy and I have lots to talk about and through. I will need to tell him what I'm feeling and listen to what he is feeling.
Fanny, this relationship is worth putting time into and I have never questioned his love for me. I do pray it will make us stronger.
Thank you both for your help. I greatly appreciate it.
SNN
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 624
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, January 15, 2006 - 02:43 pm: |
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SNN, I'm glad you two are going to be able to talk this through. I was worried about you so I'm glad you got such great advice from everyone.
Take care and let us know how things go! |
Hexo
New member
Username: Hexo
Post Number: 5
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 31, 2006 - 11:51 am: |
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In a conventional "vanilla" relationship, both people are often tested to the breaking point, so no relationship is easy with or without D/s.
When people are growing up they aquire the tools to make relationships with others work.
IMO D/s is a pretty advanced form of relationship. Im not calling D/s "advanced" because I think it is superior or more complicated, but because the dynamics of a D/s relationship are often very far removed from the conventional format for a relationship. For example, your mom and dad didnt model a D/s relationship for you. Society does not overtly mirror D/s principles in a functional relationship for us to observe and learn while we are growing up.
You and your boyfriend might do best to really work with and understand the kind of relationship that you are both already equipped to deal with. Then, later on you can use this conventional understanding as a foundation to take your relationship anywhere you want.
Using this method, perhaps you would have less instances of unresolved or unknown issues coming up and sabotaging the delicate alterations you are trying to make.
I hope this makes sense. It's like a sail boat maybe. You cant just hop on and be on a nice cruise. First you will have to untangle god knows how many knots and make all sorts of preparations of the vehicle, then when all that is taken care of, you can enjoy the ride however you like. |
Smartnnaughty
Advanced Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 333
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 31, 2006 - 01:02 pm: |
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Hexo, My first opinion was: how did you get so smart! Thank you for what you wrote. You are absolutely correct that we are still working out couple issues and by adding D/s to it does increase the sailboat "knots". Advanced is a good way of looking at it. It gives the sense that the relationship has to be solid to start with and the D/s concepts take it to a place where even more relational skills are needed. Advanced doesn't mean better just more complex.
Did I get that right?
(We are doing very well, BTW.)
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Hexo
New member
Username: Hexo
Post Number: 7
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 01, 2006 - 01:22 pm: |
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Whatever works for you is right. Your post reminded me of situations I have been in so just posting what worked for me. |
Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 351
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, February 06, 2006 - 06:55 pm: |
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Smartnnaughty - EXCELLENT!!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!! RIGHT ON! I think that is fantastic and I hope the progress continues to progress, LOL - assuming that made any sense. And Hexo - you had some pretty spot on advice.
Wow: everytime I log on, I am enlightened with more information and usually good news, and for this, I am grateful - brought a smile to my day, and I needed it, considering I'm getting a spanking when Jake gets home.... Thanks guys!
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Smartnnaughty
Advanced Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 334
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, February 06, 2006 - 10:38 pm: |
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Ohhh, a spanking when Jake gets home!
I missed my maintenance spanking from My Guy yesterday. Now I have to wait another whole week. I think I like the weekly maintenance spankings. It feels strangely comforting. I was just too sick yesterday. He asked me if I wanted an erotic spanking and I said no to that too so he knew I was sick!
Have fun, Katie!!!!
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 363
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 08:48 pm: |
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I'm sorry htat you were sick and I did get an awful spanking. I got the cane, the tawse, and a prison strop so it wasn't a fun night, but then again, with everything that I had done while I was sick, it sort of mounted up... so no my bum didn't have too much fun smarty, LOL but thanks anyway. Sorry that you were sick but Iso know what you mean about maintenance spankings and I feel the same way... since you missed yours this week, will it be worse next week? Inquiring minds want to know, LOL.
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Kennysspankee
Spanko
Username: Kennysspankee
Post Number: 125
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 03:08 am: |
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Smartnnaughty, Why do you have to wait a week? Why can't you have it as soon as you're feeling better? |
Smartnnaughty
Advanced Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 336
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 03:41 pm: |
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Katie,
Sorry to hear it was a rough night for you. But now you have a clean slate, right? As I always say a clean slate just gives me a fresh place to start being naughty again!
Kennysspankee, I am in a long distance relationship and we see each other only on weekends. I measure everything by our time together.
As it turns out, I have an ear infection and a cold so I am on antibiotics and I'll be feeling better soon.
Thanks friends!
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
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Kennysspankee
Spanko
Username: Kennysspankee
Post Number: 129
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 06:47 pm: |
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Oh! You poor little thing. Drink lots of COLD water. I have a theory on colds. I believe that colds got their name through people passing information down over the years and the word cold was the cure for the symtoms of a cold and somehow it became the name instead of information on how to cure it, being COLD. Might sound crazy but I've only had 2 colds in 16 years (8 years in between each one). When I'm finished my shower in the morning I turn the water pretty cold (not AAAHHH!!! cold, just cold) for about 15 seconds or so. I had been doing that for 2 weeks, then I read in the paper how a teacher in Vancouver made half the class (kindergarten) have a cool shower when they got to school. Through that winter none of the kids that took the showers were sick or had a cold. All the other ones were. She must have been thinking like I was. So I believe that Colds don't like cold. I've felt that feeling in the back of my throat a few times so I'll drink down a couple glasses of real cold water right away. It'll be gone the next morning, so I figured I had scared the cold away. I don't know, just works for me. Those 2 colds I did get SNEAKED up on me! I don't know what happened! |
Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 370
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, February 09, 2006 - 01:34 am: |
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Katie,
Sorry to hear it was a rough night for you. But now you have a clean slate, right? As I always say a clean slate just gives me a fresh place to start being naughty again!
You couldn't be more right and I got a caning ealier - you cancheck my group for details and pics if you so choose. Thanks a lot!
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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