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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 766
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 05:54 pm: | 
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In another thread Tom6789 asked this question:
Do subs always want the Top to decide when it ends? (apart from obvious safe-word emergencies) |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 767
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 06:01 pm: |
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I always leave it up to Dan to decide when the spanking ends but we don't do serious punishment spankings. That might make a difference.
We do stress-relief spankings though and that is always up to him to decide when to stop. He always seems to know when I'm through the rough spot and am ready for cuddling. I don't know exactly how he knows, but I guess he goes by body language.
All the spankings he gives me end when he wants them to (safe word pauses excluded). That's up to him completely, I just relax and enjoy them. |
Bailey
New member
Username: Bailey
Post Number: 2
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 06:05 pm: |
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my Dominant always decides when to stop, as do my regular play partners. With more casual play partners I often get asked if I want more or if I'm ready to stop, but in general I still leave it up to them.
Bailey
"She makes love just like a woman ... but she breaks just like a little girl."
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Victoria_wood
New member
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 50
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 06:08 pm: |
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I like the Top to decide when we stop. I am usually ready to go on for over an hour, but she stops at about 45 minutes. Her poor shoulder starts hurting by then.
I really start hitting subspace after the 50 minute mark and then I lose all sense of time. I have rarely ever wanted a session to stop.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Blistering_blonde
New member
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 47
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 06:17 pm: |
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I think it should be up to the top ..as its THEM who decided we need it ..
But there is a limit .....as when she is really sorry and her body languag says she has learned ..(such as going limp and just accepting )
I have had HUGE bruises from a LONG sever spanking (over 500 with hair brush)..where i still could of recieved more as i never did go limp and as soon as i could i resumed doing the crime (2 hours ) (smoking with lung infection) and i have had a nice red rosey glow .. that after only 30 smacks ....taught me never to repeat offence ...it depends on crime ..the danger ..and heck the chance of reoffending |
Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 330
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 06:41 pm: |
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I let "R" decide when to stop a spanking (no matter how much I am pleading 
We do not do severe punishments, and like Bethie, my husband can read my body language very well.
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Beachley
Advanced Spanko
Username: Beachley
Post Number: 360
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 08:29 pm: |
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Mr. B has total control at that time no matter how much I may plead, but he too knows my body language very well and stays within my limits. Even if I think I am far outside my limits at the time, he knows I'm not really.
The Spice of Life is having my OWN WAY!! A spanking would be nice.
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Spankedteacher
New member
Username: Spankedteacher
Post Number: 2
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 09:27 pm: |
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I think I'm with the majority on this one. I think that it should be up to the Top (with respect given to safe word policies) as long as physical limits are observed for both parties.
I think it's awesome that for those of you that have commented, your husbands know you well enough to know where your limits are. |
Fireman_chris
Spanko
Username: Fireman_chris
Post Number: 99
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 09:39 pm: |
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I generally decide with my wife, but as others have mentioned, its based on watching and gauging her reactions. If I can tell she's not enjoying it (assuming its not disciplinary), then I'll stop sooner than I might otherwise. So in a way, she does have some control over it too.
As you slide down the banisters of life
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Old Irish Proverb
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Pagan
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pagan
Post Number: 414
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2006 - 11:01 pm: |
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My hubby decides when to stop. There has really only been one time I've asked him to, and it's because I had developed one of those hard painful lumps and couldn't take anymore on that spot.
Having said that, he watches my reactions and knows when to stop. Actually...Most of the time it's all I can do not to say, "That was great. Now...what you just did? Again. But harder."  |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 53
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 08:29 am: |
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Wouldn't it be topping from the bottom if the spankee says when to stop?
Cheers,
Victoria
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Pagan
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pagan
Post Number: 415
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 10:21 am: |
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What's wrong with topping from the bottom? I've never understood why that gets such a bad rap.
Now, if it's a punishment spanking, ok, I can see that. But the bottom's limits still should factor in.
But for an erotic spanking? Why shouldn't I ask him to use more or less force, or stop if I get sore enough that it's no longer pleasant? He's doing it to arouse me. If it's not arousing, what's the point?
If I was giving him a BJ in an unpleasant or painful way, I hope he'd tell me.
Now, I understand that part of the kick is letting someone else drive. I never know what implements he's going to use, and if he wants to deliver a really solid set he does. He just gets a much better grip first.
But if I said, 'You know what? That's so hard that it just hurts. It doesn't feel good', he'd stop, rub and ease back a bit.
I guess I top from the bottom. But neither of us has a problem with that.  |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 55
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 11:09 am: |
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Pagan,
Great point! I agree.
I guess the difference is between sensation play (SM) and D/s play that is about dominance and control. I usually think of myself as predominantly into SM, but I guess I do enjoy it best in a context of D/s.
M likes to be in control. **coughcoughcontrolfreakcoughcough** Our play allows her to be bossy and domineering, which she in is not in the rest of her life.
The difficulty is that I enjoy saying I don't want what I really do want. I let her know my desires by saying "please don't do x." Maybe that is also topping from the bottom. Of course sometimes I say I don't like something and I really don't.
In short, though, whatever works for a particular relationship is great for those involved.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 5
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 11:45 am: |
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Great thread....very helpful comments.
As a top, it's good to hear that some bottoms are OK with topping a little from the bottom....
When I'm just getting to know someone (I'm single), I find it hard (and stressful) to just take 100% control from the first spanking, and do whatever I want, as long as I want. It takes time to get to know someone else's needs and limits and body language, and what they're secretly wanting but may not be saying (or saying the exact opposite, as in "please no more!" etc).
Allowing, or even inviting, a bottom to top from the bottom a little, especially at the get-to-know-each-other phase, seems respectful and giving to me. But some bottoms seem to resent it -- and consider the top "weak" and not a "real" Dom.
Any thoughts on how to handle this situation? How can a top be a firm and strict and in control, while still inviting guidance from the bottom? |
Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 1624
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 12:30 pm: |
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Wow Tom, your generous nature and willingness to make the bottom/sub happy does you credit. Your exactly the type of Top I wish every newbie could play with for the very first time.
Perhaps if you sat down with the bottom before an initial spanking and told her you had "rules" for her to follow, and that disobeying those rules would get her a few swats with a dreaded implement? Then explain about colors/traffic lights and safe words, always keeping a strict appearance so she feels you are in charge. Ask her what she would like to try and if she has any previous experience. Remind her that this is a fun spanking, but that it could become disciplinary if she doesnt tell you how she's doing while she's otk.
If she wants to play with you again she will keep you informed while your spanking her, respect you for your firmness and for the fact that you gave her a wonderful time. If she gets nasty about having to tell you what she likes, dump her off your lap and find someone whose nicer...you deserve better after all. 
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
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Otter
Spanko
Username: Otter
Post Number: 57
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 03:13 pm: |
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What we do is my husband has total control during the spanking. He will do what he wants, when he wants and how hard he wants and he will get the message across if it's punishment. We do have a safeword but I have to be prepared for everything to stop if I use it. If I say "Stop!" (which is not the safeword) he will usually pause and then give me another to see if it really is too much. If I don't say anything, then he continues (usually harder) if I say I need a little break then he will usually give it to me but he decides when it is done. And I better not reach back and rub my butt or he ends the break right there and starts whipping the backs of my legs or my back.
Then when we are done (either the next day or that night) I will usually sit down and write him a letter on what I thought about it. What I felt went right and what went wrong. What satisfied me and what didn't. What worked for me and what didn't. I tell him then if I feel like I got enough or if I am still antsy and need another one that night. I talk about the intensity and all that. It helps him to have it in writing so he can refer to it and it helps me to write it because I can see and think about what I am saying. I can really think about it and sort out the feelings. Plus since we are doing it after the spanking, he can usually tell just by the attitude of the letter whether I had enough and I am not all worked up so it is rational and a better analysis of what went on than if we talked about it right after. Then he knows what I really didn't like so he can use that for punishment and what was intense at the time but left me feeling really good, so he can use that for fun. Also, I can tell him which parts really made me feel sorry and which parts didn't. Since it is the next day, the memory is still really fresh but I am not so emotional and worked up about it so I can think about it logically. Then he can use it or not as he sees fit. The more information he has the better decisions he can make about everything. That's my part of the deal.
I don't like to control it. I don't like to have any say in it, except to tell him when it is getting overwhelming or when I can't deal with it. I don't even like to say "I need a spanking" or "no that's not enough when he asks" so I usually let my smartmouth run and that gets the same thing accomplished. Needing more usually activates my attitude anyway, so it's not like I have to really think about it, it mostly comes naturally.
For us, it's not that he is against topping from the bottom, I don't like to do it. I like to feel like he is in control and he is doing what he wants or what he thinks is best. The more thorough that control feels, the more satisfying it is for me and for him. He likes that I feel I can trust him that much and I like knowing that he is that trustworthy and that he takes that trust seriously.
That's what works for us.
"It was something magic out of something frightening. That's how I live my life, I take it as it comes. In my mind I see the rocking horse inside the tree." -Sara Evans
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Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 335
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 03:51 pm: |
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I agree with Otter in that every couple must find their "happy medium" - be it topping from the bottom, or the S/O having total control.
I was the one who was interested in DD, D/s, and mild BDSM long before my hubby. I was wayyyyyy to embarrassed to say anything (for fear he would think I had lost my mind all together!!). I gathered as much info as I could from REPUTABLE websites, and presented to him LITTLE by LITTLE.
Hubby was a "vanilla", but open-minded enough to ask questions, and experiement. That was 3 years ago. Since I was the one who was "more exerienced", he did not mind that I "topped from the bottom" - but I did it with love and respect. I gotta agree with Pagan too - the term "topping from the bottom" has gotten a bad wrap.
I enjoy the feeling of submission and hubby's control in certain situations too - but he nor I have any problem with me saying what I would like or not like in other situations.....guess it all comes down to what works for individual couples
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 336
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 03:52 pm: |
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btw....this is a great question Tom - and I am sure we will get lots of interesting, insightful responses 
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Tammynx
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 370
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 04:18 pm: |
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We don't have a safe word....we've never needed one. My husband is the one who decides how much how long...all of it. He knows me...he has NEVER gone overboard....or anything like that.
I think it comes from knowing your partner and knowing the needs. He just knows when it is enough. I trust him completly so it works. |
Louiseoc
New member
Username: Louiseoc
Post Number: 15
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 04:39 pm: |
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My husband decides when to stop. He always says the colour is the most important thing "the proper sequence" as he explains "is white, pink, red, white again. The second layer of white is very important". I sometimes slither off his knee during spanking and sit on the floor, whimpering, when this happenes he says 'get back here instantly' or something similar, and I always do. He has said, however, that if a time ever came when I just couldn't get back there, he wouldn't try and force me. It's never come yet though. I don't want to be able to stop him, I like him being in control, but it is reasuring to know that if I ever felt I really couldn't take any more, he wouldn't try and force me. |
Redhinney
Advanced Spanko
Username: Redhinney
Post Number: 414
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 05:03 pm: |
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It depends on what type of spanking. we practice DD so for discpline spankings he decides on everything including what's being used. But for those wonderful GG spankings I can ask for a certain toy but he has the final say. After 25 years of this he relly knows my body almost as good as I do. He generally can tell when I had enough and when no more really means "please don't stop it may sting but I want more"and the famous "no that means yes"
Even for punishment spankings he doesn't look for color of the skin only to make sure that hteir are no bruises so I don't understand the color sequence thing.
Love can't always be seen or heard but will always be felt with your heart
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 775
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 01, 2006 - 10:00 pm: |
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A note about safe words, I think everyone should have something to let their spanker know something isn't quite right and the spanking needs to at least pause for a check. It can be a phrase or word.
I have a phrase, "I'm serious!" Followed by whatever it is that's causing a problem.
This is not about your spanker knowing your limits, it's about this being real-life. You never know when you're suddenly going to get a cramp, pull a muscle, bite your tongue, or something else just as romantic. Also, a toy that felt great last week may suddenly feel horribly wrong because you did one too many lunges during your workout and you're courting disaster by going on with the spanking using that implement.
When your spanker is used to you saying "Ouch that really hurts" or "Stop, wait, hey!" they may not clue in that you're serious and need to stop. I mean, really folks! We're talking about spanking here, the most common words out of our mouths don't always make it sound like we're okay.
Safety is a priority for spankings to be a good experience so don't overlook the need for a safe word or phrase. You don't ever want to be in the position of ever being resentful that your spanker didn't know you really meant it. It's as much for you spankees as for you spankers. |
Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 6
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 12:30 am: |
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Again, thanks to all of you, for your very helpful insights. I guess the difference I'm seeing between my situation and all of yours is that you are in steady relationships, and that has given you the time to develop and fine-tune the spanking part of the relationship. As a single man, I'm still exploring where spanking fits into my life and what part I want it to play in my next relationship. And I have to say it's not easy meeting women who are in the same place -- wanting to be spanked, but willing to give it time to develop. That's what I meant when I said I often get the message that I'm not Dom enough or strong if I don't assume total control right from the start -- and the brush-off quickly follows. So it is encouraging to hear (from Pinkcheeks, and others) that some bottoms have stuck with men even when, at the beginning, the bottom was more experienced and leading the way. |
Louiseoc
New member
Username: Louiseoc
Post Number: 16
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 01:38 am: |
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My husband seems to enjoy observing the changing colour of my bottom during spanking, he has a very good eye for technical detail which is probably why. I don't get different kinds of spankings, there is only one and it's always punishment, which is what I love, 'good girl' spankings don't appeal to me at all. I like to feel that they'r the real thing. |
Poofette
Spanko
Username: Poofette
Post Number: 76
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 02:03 am: |
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Hey Tom,
Not all of us are a part of a matched pair. You're are totally correct though, topping from the bottom intially should be a a part of a "new" relationship. Don't know the "subs" you've been with nor your expectations but I think what you're looking for should be clear in any new relationship. Do you want to be a pure dom? Into DD, bdsm, M/s, or simply find spanking erotic? Makes a difference. I, for one, would be on the run if some guy I was seeing and I didn't have the same expectations about what we're looking for in this arena. Since I'm into erotic spanking, a pure "dom" would NOT suit me. Pulling that "I'm the dom and you'll do as I say" stuff would turn me off. Respect, clarity, and consideration in any kind of new relationship is probably your best bet.
Poofette |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 776
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 03:13 am: |
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Louiseoc, do me a favor and please don't make statements like this one: "I don't get different kinds of spankings, there is only one and it's always punishment, which is what I love, 'good girl' spankings don't appeal to me at all. I like to feel that they'r the real thing."
A lot of us don't do punishment spankings and we feel like our spankings are "the real thing" too. Be considerate of your fellow spankos, just because we don't all practice the same kind of spankings doesn't mean anyone's preference is any better or more "real" than anyone else's. |
Louiseoc
New member
Username: Louiseoc
Post Number: 17
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 04:19 am: |
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I mean that I get a personal feeling of satisfaction out of feeling that it is 'real' punishment when I get spanked. I never found being spanked purely for erotic reasons at all satisfying. It is nothing to do with what other people experience, I am talking about my own feelings of satisfaction. I am expressing my personal feeling, which is that I need it to feel 'real' in order to find it satisfying.
I am sorry that you find my point of view offensive, I asssure you I will trouble this site with my feelings no longer. Why should anyone give a damn what I think about anything anyway? |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 56
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 09:00 am: |
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Louiseoc,
Oh come on. Why do you have to take that attitude? All she did was ask you nicely to be careful how you phrase things.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2227
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 02:35 pm: |
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Louise dear, we try to take an attitude here of not offending anyone, and you appear to be offended by that. Don't be, we are all on the same spanking ship, and are entitled to our opinions, we just try not to speak for everyone.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 8
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2006 - 11:57 pm: |
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Poofette, good points (and good to know there are other unattached spankos in the den....). You raise an interesting point about the importance of being clear about what we're looking for, though the same "labels" seem to mean different things, or imply different attitudes and expectations, to different people. For example, "S/M" sounds heavy and extreme, but some people seem to consider erotic spanking a kind of S/M. I find administering a good spanking sexually exciting -- does that make me sadist? A "sensation player"? A Dom? A Top? A vanilla with a little bedroom kink? Half the problem I think single people have in connecting with other spankos on sites such as SIN or bondage.com is how to describe oneself. Anyone else feeling confused? |
Gypsygirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Gypsygirl
Post Number: 230
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 03:08 pm: |
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Blistering Blonde - "I think it should be up to the top ..as its THEM who decided we need it .. "
That's not always the case. The original question asked if 'subs' always wanted their Tops to decide when to stop which indicates that the decision is something usually taken by the Top, but the thread also mentions labels and this is where it makes a difference. I'm not a sub, inasmuch as I know what a sub is; I don't think I'm really a Bottom either as that still implies that I take my lead from my Partner and I don't do that either, rather we do it mutually in the areas that we both excel at. For the sake of putting something on my Profile, I called myself a Dominant Bottom, by which I mean that if I want a spanking I will say to my partner "I want a spanking and I would like it now" and he will comply, as it normally leads to bedroom activity, he's more than willing. I will also indicate when I've had enough (but then being typically female, want to change my mind again 5 minutes later and re-start activities  ). Some people do feel the need to have their spanking partner decide as I suppose it would add to the feeling of submission (at a guess?), maybe others like it because it makes them feel good knowing that they can trust their partners to get the amount 'just right'. Maybe these are things that 'subs' feel, I really don't know, but for those of us who cannot label ourselves quite so freely - and why should we need to? - it's hard to fit into what 'ought to be' because at the end of the day, we each have different needs.
Also, Tom said "Allowing, or even inviting, a bottom to top from the bottom a little, especially at the get-to-know-each-other phase, seems respectful and giving to me. But some bottoms seem to resent it -- and consider the top "weak" and not a "real" Dom. "
This comment, in my opinion, shows an excellent attitude for a prospective 'Top' to take, as it would be impossible for anyone to know the limits or read the signals for when someone has had enough if they haven't interacted with that person over a period of time. I would even say that the Bottoms who resent his 'inexperience/ weakness' aren't being realistic at all and have a fictional idea in their mind of how a 'Top/Dom' should act (pointing out once again the illogicalness of labelling) and are disappointed when instead of finding a 'real Top' they find a 'real Man' - one who is prepared to be accomodating and tread cautiously. A worthy find in anyones opinion.
I foresee spankings........LOTS of spankings
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Blistering_blonde
Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 53
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 07:15 pm: |
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Gypsygirl
****Do subs always want the Top to decide when it ends? (apart from obvious safe-word emergencies)*****
That is the statement that is ontop of this conversation ..
BUT since you quoted me PLEASE do the WHOLE qoute as safty implies with it all.
****.I think it should be up to the top ..as its THEM who decided we need it ..
But there is a limit .....as when she is really sorry and her body languag says she has learned ..(such as going limp and just accepting ) *******
I was NOT talking erotic ....to me that can go ON forever ....and has
and i stand by it ...I do not think a bottom should decide when the punishment ends ....BUT ...on CLOSE watch of her / his body language ..EVEN the leaste experienced Top can tell when its too much.
((((Also, Tom said "Allowing, or even inviting, a bottom to top from the bottom a little, especially at the get-to-know-each-other phase, seems respectful and giving to me. But some bottoms seem to resent it -- and consider the top "weak" and not a "real" Dom. ")))))
as THIS quote was NOT posted till after my reply post
I HAD no response to it
heck i am good ..BUT not that good that i can predict the future...i leave that up to the Gyspys ;)
...INFACT that quote did not even appear UNTIL many posts after mine that was posted April 30th.... his one May 1st ..... |
Poofette
Spanko
Username: Poofette
Post Number: 78
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 07:55 pm: |
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Tom,
Yup, I have the same problem making myself clear about what I want. Labels can be and often are confusing because of their different meanings to different people. My "label", the one I think describes me fairly well is erotic submissive but it isn't all that I am nor does it describe everything I'm after. Spanko suits a part of it but not all. I know I don't like some things, don't even want to try other ones, I also know I love some things and would be delighted to have them be a regular part of any day, night, month, year. There's lots between though that either I'm interested in trying or would at least consider. And that's just the erotic part of me, haven't even delved into the rest of my psyche!! Those kinds of erotic needs/wants conversations are extremely hard to bring up in any new relationship or at least they are to me. Maybe a "bottom" or a true submissive would think a "dom" who was allowing her some say would think him weak. That's not how I would view it. That type of approach would be exactly what I would be most comfortable with. It isn't important in a relationship to match exactly but it is important that quirks mesh. Better to find that out early on by talking about it. It is hard. Most of us aren't all that good at expressing ourselves in an intimate relationship for fear of rejection but trust is an important aspect of any relationship. Only way to build trust is time and communication. Damn, I'm getting long winded again!! I guess your questions touched a nerve in me. Keep trying what's comfortable to you, when you find the right woman, your approach will be exactly what she's looking for. So in answer to your intial question Tom, no I don't think every sub wants the Top to decide when to stop. I think it depends on the sub, the circumstances, and your relationship with her. |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 58
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 08:28 pm: |
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I don't mind the first few sessions with a new Top to be not about domination but just about learning what we both like. But after that ... in general I think most people don't want a Top to say things like "Is that too hard?" or "do you want me to stop now?" That is not hot (IMO of course). LOL
(Message edited by victoria_wood on May 03, 2006)
Cheers,
Victoria
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 785
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 10:57 pm: |
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Blistering_blonde, ummm you didn't say you were talking about punishment spankings did you? I don't think anyone said what type of spankings we were talking about and you were assuming we'd know you meant punishment. That's why Gypsygirl was saying that approach wouldn't work for her.
As for that quote from Tom, I think Gypsy was just responding to him and not a continuation of her response to your post.
Let's try keep it civil okay? |
Otter
Spanko
Username: Otter
Post Number: 58
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 10:57 pm: |
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I think it all depends on what you consider "topping from the bottom". I don't consider telling my husband what I want topping from the bottom. I consider that part of any normal relationship. When you add in spanking (as someone else pointed out, the very things that come out of your mouth that usually mean you are enjoying it might sound like you are being tortured to the uneducated observer. I can't tell you how many times I have told my husband I was glad he didn't stop even though I was crying pitifully.), communication is even more important. No one's partner is a mind reader. Also, a lot of tops are not switches or masochists so they don't really have a good point of reference for what one might like, if you know what I mean.
I think of topping from the bottom as trying to manipulate your partner and get him to do what you want without letting him know it. I would consider bratting with real disrespect to fall under this heading.
And about safewords, we have one, but I have never used it. When I really need it, I can't remember it. So now, it just comes down to the fact that he knows me and he knows what I normally say and what I don't.
That, however, is the luxury of a long term relationship. When my husband and I started spanking we had been together for 10 years. At that point we knew each other pretty well so that I knew that if he overstepped something, it would be a mistake or a misinterpretation and I knew that our relationship could weather it. The only thing that would be in danger is whether or not we would continue with D/s or with spanking. I knew him and I knew he was not capable of doing something that would make me afraid of him. That is how I got from 4 hacks with a wooden spatula to multiple hundreds with a spline flogger in less than two years. I have no qualms about putting anything into his hands and knowing that he will not abuse me.
That simply wouldn't be the case with a new relationship or even a casual relationship. It is a whole different ball game when you have that level of trust and when you don't.
"It was something magic out of something frightening. That's how I live my life, I take it as it comes. In my mind I see the rocking horse inside the tree." -Sara Evans
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 786
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 11:09 pm: |
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I think Otter has it exactly right, it is a whole different ballgame in a new or casual relationship. It's not topping from the bottom when you're feeling each other out, seeing what works and what doesn't.
This is especially true for you newbie spankos. Just because you hear about those of us who play hard and take alot of spanking doesn't mean you can, too. We're all different. I don't know how many times a newbie has contacted me because they just got their first spanking and it hurt...really hurt!
Feedback is a good thing! |
Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 9
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 11:43 pm: |
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So much honesty and frankness and goodwill going on in this thread I don't know how to respond, except to say thank you all for your openness, ladies. Gypsygirl, and Poofette, it's wonderful to be validated as a "real Man" when so often the implied message I receive (before the line goes cold) is that I'm not a real Dom..... Victoria-wood, yes, asking sheepishly "was that too hard, dear?" certainly would kill the mood, wouldn't it? I wasn't thinking of giving her THAT much leeway! LOL... Otter, your marriage sounds amazing, and it's encouraging to hear that you and your husband were together 10 years before you started spanking.... (I'm curious to hear how and why you made the transition... but maybe that's another thread, or has already been discussed before I joined.) But I think Otter makes an important distinction: that manipulating from the bottom is not desirable: certainly, that's NOT what I'd be happy with. But that's very different from the bottom communicating her/his needs. Does it always have to be verbal communication by the bottom? Has anyone worked out non-verbal cues to communicate from bottom to top? I think it would be interesting to try, for example, establishing that placing an object in one place in a room means "I can handle a hard spanking tonight" but placing it another location might mean "My pain threshold is low tonight, but I'm still open to being spanked." Your thoughts? |
Blistering_blonde
Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 54
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 01:35 am: |
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Bethie ..
actually my whole post was about D/d......hence the coment about reading her body language and when she is really sorry to stop...
I even mentioned a sever spank that left me bruised ..
I did keep it civil ....by pointing out what was missed from being qouted ...top decides by reading body language..a safty issue |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 787
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 02:44 am: |
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Blistering_blonde, you never said anything about discussing D/d until now. We're not mind readers and so many people play so many different ways that you need to be clear about which kind of spanking you're talking about so you don't get misunderstood like this.
Can we please get back on topic now? |
Poofette
Spanko
Username: Poofette
Post Number: 79
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 02:49 am: |
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Tom,
Not exactly non-verbal clues but not as mood killing as "is that too hard".....he tells me to do something, if I do it promptly without too much wriggling, everything’s good, if I defy him and don't do it, then harder it is. Slow obedience meant ease up a little. Body language takes some time to learn, everyone’s is different and it can vary from one night to the next with the same woman. I like the idea of putting an object in different places signaling what you want or can handle. I think a variation of that could be in the choice of object, for instance a more intense implement for a heavier night and a good girl spanking implement for a gentler night. I think that would work very well.
In my last relationship I was pretty fond of texting him a number (of spanks) on his cell phone. No one else needed to know what 50 was for now did they? He certainly knew what it was about.
Poofette |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 789
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 03:04 am: |
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Poofette, texting a number is a pretty good idea! That way you both knew what you were up for.
Tom, I'm glad to hear you're willing to take some cues from your spankee and work at making it something that can't be misunderstood. Being misunderstood can be a problem in any relationship but in a spanko relationship it can be even worse.
As for the labels, as you can see making your spanking desires crystal clear is a must. It's not enough to declare yourself a top, you have to say what kind of top you want to be and what kind of spankings you are most comfortable with. There's lots of ways to play and lots of players. You have to be clear. |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 62
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 07:54 am: |
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Tom -- I actually have two friends who reportedly asked their spankees, "Is that too hard?" repeatedly. LOL
Otter -- you make some great comments. Certainly any spanking or bdsm relationship is really about both parties being satisfied, even if the sub is satisfied by satisfying the Dom. So you are right that simply communicating desires should not be condemned as "topping from the bottom."
Like you, I have been happy that M hasn't stopped when things got heavy. For example, I don't cry during spankings, but one time I was told I was going to have what at that point was a large number of cane strokes, 80, and I didn't think I could take it. So I alsmost started to cry and she could hear it in my voice as I counted the strokes. So she stopped for a moment, came over and made me look her in the eye. She said "you know your safeword, right?" I said "right" and she went right back to the hard caning. She knew I would have been very upset if she had stopped at that point. But yet checking in with me was really great from my perspective. I asked her what she would do if I started crying. She said it is OK for me to cry but she still wouldn't stop -- and that is the right answer.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 458
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 04, 2006 - 11:07 pm: |
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Sometimes I wish I could stop the punishment but yes, no I can't. Jake goes until her feels the punishment has been learned... this was a really great thread with some good stuff.
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 10
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Friday, May 05, 2006 - 10:47 am: |
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Poofette, I like the texting idea, very discrete, though I'd have to ask my bottom to leave little yellow (pink?) post-it notes all over town, as I don't use a cell phone......
As for objects as cues, I was actually thinking of ordinary house-hold objects, not implements you'd have to hide when the in-laws come over. For example: a wine glass on a shelf in the living room: right side up could mean "I'm fine, it's your call, as hard as you'd like"... upside down glass could be a caution: "feeling fragile, please go easy." Or something like that... |
Poofette
Spanko
Username: Poofette
Post Number: 81
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, May 06, 2006 - 02:10 am: |
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Tom,
Oooooooo...feeling fragile. What a nice way to say that! Appropriate prop too. No cell phone??? Are you from the middle ages or something? I've had tons of fun with cell phones...lovely way to brat your way into playtime. "Guess what I just did...or I'm wearing the red lacey number, wanna play?" It was a lot easier for me to text then to ask for plainly face to face but then again that's how I came by my nickname.
Poofette |
Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 11
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, May 06, 2006 - 02:18 am: |
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Poofette,
Not the middle ages, the "colonies" ... which I suppose to you Londoners amounts to almost the same thing, eh? ..... Sorry, missed the nickname explanation: "plainly face to face"? Is that London-speak for topping from the bottom?
TOM |
Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 12
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, May 06, 2006 - 08:58 am: |
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Poofette .... not only do I live in the middle ages, but I'm geographically challenged. Don't know why I thought you lived in London -- must be someone else on this thread. Sorry! .... please do explain the nickname story. |
Poofette
Spanko
Username: Poofette
Post Number: 82
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 01:37 am: |
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Tom,
poofette = feminine version of poof as in a puff of smoke gone when a breeze goes by. It's a real life nickname I got from a friend for being...ummm....a trifle elusive. 
Poofette |
Lawafc
New member
Username: Lawafc
Post Number: 1
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 09:29 pm: |
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totally
as far as i am concerned my top should always decide if i have had enough. if you trust someone enough to confess your needs, strip off and go over their knee for a spanking, you have to trust them enough to know when enough is enough |
Butterfly84
New member
Username: Butterfly84
Post Number: 25
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 12:30 am: |
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Looks like I came into this a bit late, but oh well, gonna toss my two cents in anyways. 
I've never been in a dd relationship, though that is what I would be interested in. In a punishment scenario, I would expect my dom to set the limits. I can't help but think that (barring emergencies), if I told him to stop, it would be less effective as a punishment. As for a play/erotic spanking, I don't mind "topping from the bottom", at least a little. I mean, if it's an erotic spanking, and I'm not enjoying it, what's the point? Like most of you have pointed out, after a long-term spanking relationship, a top can usually read a bottom pretty well. But communication is key in any aspect of a relationship, including spanking.
Hope this made sense and wasn't offensive to anyone...
~*butterfly*~
Nobody suspects the butterfly...
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Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 17
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 12:33 am: |
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Not offensive at all, Butterfly. Don't you why you think it might be..... I'd be interested to hear how you top from the bottom, in an play/erotic spanking. And has it always been welcome from the top, or have you had mixed reactions? |
Silverfox
New member
Username: Silverfox
Post Number: 9
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 01:01 am: |
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Body language is sometimes tough to read. I tanned Liz's ass this evening for about an hour with my hand. Then I spanked her insanely with a medal ruler. She was almost hysterical with laughter - the endorphins were really flowing tonight. Then I switched to a plastic curtain rod. After about 40 good strokes - nearly full arm swings from a 220 pound guy - her back arched back and her breasts heaved skyward. That's the way my hottie normally signals supplication. I backed off, and she immediately started gyrating her hips - and that always tells me she is begging for more.
What does she think I am - a mind reader! It would really help if you subs would get your act together! |
Blistering_blonde
Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 81
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 05:58 pm: |
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hey now Silverfox just cause it hurts does NOT mean we want it to stop *S*
I have had some hits that made me climb the wall ...but left me purring for much much more |
Butterfly84
New member
Username: Butterfly84
Post Number: 33
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 11:48 pm: |
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To Tom:
I've only had 2 guys that I've "played" with and since they were both less experienced than I was, it was a learning experience all the way around. I don't even know if you would consider it "topping from the bottom", but I don't have a problem with saying "Ok, HARDER" or "Stop for a second" to have a little breather.
BUT, if I was with someone that I really trusted, and he didn't want me to have any control outside of a safeword, I would be perfectly fine with that. *shrug* It comes down, I suppose, to each couple and each situation. Hope this helps you some!
~*butterfly*~
Nobody suspects the butterfly...
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Czechchick
New member
Username: Czechchick
Post Number: 6
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 12:33 pm: |
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Oh dear! I read Victoria Wood was spanked for 45 minutes and Blistering got 500 smacks with a hairbrush! I think after 10 minutes I am ready to surrender and crying like a a baby and cannot take more. Does everyone have such long and hard spankings or are some more like me? |
Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 590
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 12:57 pm: |
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Czechchick...my husband doesn't count the number of spanks nor does he time them. He just knows how much is enough. I don't think your alone in your feelings!! Not everyone gets such long spankings |
Blistering_blonde
Advanced Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 137
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 01:25 pm: |
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Czechchick.
DO NOT fret ..your spanks are NORMAL ..that hairbrush one ..was the MOST sever I EVER got .it was due to NOT responding ..
If I had given in at anytime ..or stopped swearing at him , and sassing him ...it never would of been so long.
I got ONE HELL of a stubbron streak ..and NOTHING makes it stop
normal can got from 5 smacks to 200
A HOT RED butt is the sign of LOVE and trust
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Ladygator2904
Advanced Spanko
Username: Ladygator2904
Post Number: 140
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 02:55 pm: |
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Ten smacks with the frat paddle and I am done with! I think it is because of the force of impact, G uses both hands to hold the paddle. I could NEVER go 50+ spanks unless there were muliple breaks in between. I did last longer with a belt and/ or strap. hm.. maybe 75 but who counted <g>>
A woman`s heart may be filled with an ocean of secrets but mine have all been released and I have a sore bottom to prove it!
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2440
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 03:28 pm: |
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Spankings change with the situation with me. At times 6 or 10 are enough to get my attention. Other times my stubborness will get me into several sessions. It is never a matter of number, but more the change in me. Usually, it does not take a large number to get me right where I need to be.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Mistydawn
Spanko
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 71
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 03:44 pm: |
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In my usual several opposing opinions, It has to be the top who says when it ends. If its me then well what was the point I feel he gave in and negated the punishment. Saying that if I really did need him to stop that would be fantastic as I finally would have reached a point where he had full control. Thirdly we also believe in feedback, is this too much, too little" ,we may know each other well but spanking is a whole new ball game we have to learn.
Also for punishment it just doesn't really work or only kind of. It does bring me down sometimes but although it hurts I now just see at as well this is what it feels like. My brain says yep I know this feeling and accept it.
I'm also reading this thread scaring myself. It scares me that I'm abnormal in how much we do. It does hurt but I can go for hours sometimes it doesn't even stop hurting. I think we must be doing something wrong because he's hit me several times well over a 1000 and still I feel that we haven't started or that it's just not enough and each time it happens I can take more . So many unanswered questions perhaps I should start a new thread I just don't know what question I really want to ask.
When should it stop ? for punishment I would say less than 100 cos they do hurt, more than that and it stops being as effective.
For pleasure I would say until I collapse in bliss(of course that aint happened yet but we live in hope!)
--------------------------------------------
MistyDawn
--------------------------------------------
Learning to love and loving to learn
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2441
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 04:05 pm: |
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It is my personal belief that due to the body's automatic preservation factor, after a certain amount of pain, we just go numb. So I am in agreement that anything past what is necessary for discipline is no longer effective. That is when additional forms of punishment can come in helpful.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Victoria_wood
Advanced Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 152
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 04:10 pm: |
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Misty,
I'm like you. I can go on indefinitely and it never stops hurting. I have never gone numb. I am able to take increasing levels of pain do to endorphins, but I don't stop feeling it. That is scarey.
Besides I wouldn't say you are abnormal just b/c your experiences are different.
If you can go 1000 strokes and for hours and it's not enough, I have to ask: What implements are you using? Maybe you need something more severe.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Mistydawn
Spanko
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 73
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 05:22 am: |
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Why after reading your post Victoria am I sat here wincing? I think the thought is sometimes worse than the deed. As I think I've said before our arsenal of bought items is low. We have a crop and belts and the window blind rod plus of course his hands. Other things are what comes to hand! hairbrushes, coat hangers and a wooden spoon a couple of times. I think on a previous thread someone mentioned wood hurts more, we don't have a paddle yet so maybe that will help. You see how crazy this is, searching for something that will hurt more!!!
I don't even want it to hurt more I just want to FEEL more. I think i'm a 'feeling/sensation's junkie. In an argument I push until I feel that connection, the force that can flow when emotions are high. Sex is the same. If it as always applied to other area's of my life I shouldn't be suprised it's what I need from spanking.
To the original post I suppose the ideal for me would be- the spanking should stop when my "feeling'ometer" is full.
My friend who rides a horse as promised me a whip for my Birthday in a couple of months , I would think that would fill my meter pretty quick. Do you think I should leave the country now.
--------------------------------------------
MistyDawn
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Learning to love and loving to learn
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Victoria_wood
Advanced Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 154
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:08 am: |
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The hairbrush has gotta hurt and the plastic rod. Ouch!
I'd recommend an 18" wooden paddle with holes, also a lexan paddle. Check out Hanson paddles. Also a prison strap and a leather paddle from London Tanners. If you are really up for pain, check out the viper on that same site. And finally rattan canes from schoolcanes.com. You should feel those.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 497
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 06, 2006 - 08:23 pm: |
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Victoria,
This is one site Jake doesn't read and for this I am glad... you would make him privy to way too much information that he doesn't need to know.
The Princess of Spanking
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Victoria_wood
Advanced Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 177
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 06, 2006 - 10:59 pm: |
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I'm grateful M doesn't read any of my posts!
Cheers,
Victoria
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Katie_spades
Supreme Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 511
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 01:22 am: |
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LOL Victoria... some of my posts get me into trouble which is often a problem for me, but you're lucky... I'm just banking on the fact that he wont see this because sometimes he is on this site and sometimes not, and is really busy now with work and applications, whereas I only have apps and don't have a job, so we'll see... ; )
The Princess of Spanking
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Sarahsbrat
New member
Username: Sarahsbrat
Post Number: 13
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 15, 2006 - 05:52 am: |
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Spankings end when Sarah ends them. She told me once that she looks for a certain *thing* and she knows its been enough.
Not just any naughty brat...Sarahsbrat
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