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Gypsygirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Gypsygirl
Post Number: 260
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 08, 2006 - 07:35 pm: | 
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Couldn't think of a good title but it more or less fits what I want to ask. Maybe a few of you have already noticed that I've posted before that I don't do real punishment and I don't live any sort of D/D relationship but I'm curious about something. I've seen mention made of the fact that in a D/D relationship the 'sub' or 'bottom' will accept a punishment from their respective partner over infractions on rules/questions of health & personal safety/disrespect etc. What I want to know is this. What happens when you don't agree with what your partner considers a 'crime'? If what I am given to understand is correct then the Top will impose his ruling on any said event, but what happens in that one instance when he/she is in the wrong and you are in the right, even though it may be that on previous occasions you will have received a punishment for the self same thing? What recourses do you have? Maybe you agree to disagree on a point of view but how do you then resolve it if the idea is that he/she is the one in charge and makes the decisions on when a punishment is merited?
I foresee spankings........LOTS of spankings
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Tammynx
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 452
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 08, 2006 - 08:41 pm: |
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I don't think I've ever really disagreed with my husband. Sure there are times that I tried to SAY i didn't derserve it....but I always know that I do. We don't really have rules...but I do know what will make him mad and I do know what will get me spanked.
True we have had to agree to disagree...but never when it comes to a spanking.
I really feel that If I were insistant that I didn't deserve a spanking we would talk about it.
Yes he is the Head of the House....but what I have to say counts too.
Does that help? |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2283
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 08, 2006 - 09:25 pm: |
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We have actually listed the things that are considered to be self destructive. That said, if there were to be a situation that is in the gray area, it would be discussed before any action if taken. Fortunately we have yet to hit any of those gray areas. R is not the head of our household, I simply like to relinquish to him.
AND, if he were to be considered the HOH, that would make me the houlders, knees and toes, and that head it not going anyplace without the help of the other body parts.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Otter
Spanko
Username: Otter
Post Number: 69
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 12:01 am: |
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Like the mom said in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "The man is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck. She can turn the man anyway she wants." I don't believe I can turn my husband any way I want, but I do have a great deal of influence and he definitely listens to me.
I have never really disagreed on a punishment. If I did, we would definitely talk about it. I don't think it has ever happened. I have not understood why I was being punished and I asked and he explained it to me. If I did disagree, I can imagine a few things happening.
One, he might decide that he doesn't like it, doesn't want it to happen again and it would be a punishable offense. I would probably get punished that first time just to demonstrate how important it is to him (e.g. whether he thinks it is worthy of a severe punishment or if it is just a small thing where the punishment might be as much fun as punishment). That is how a lot of the things I am not supposed to do became punishable offenses, they just happened and it pissed him off. What can I say, I have that effect on people sometimes, even when they love me, LOL.
Another possibility is that it might turn out that he changes his mind that it's not worthy of punishment or that it wasn't intentional and then no punishment, though we would probably do a fun spanking, because once we talk about spanking, we usually have to do it,  .
A third possibility is that he will agree with me that it is not really a punishable offense but that this particular situation just pissed him off for whatever reason, then he will spank me anyway, to get rid of his anger. He has the right to do that (under the tenets of our particular relationship) no matter what he is angry for. We consider my body to belong to him and if he wants to vent his anger over anything by whipping my ass, he is welcome to do that.
Again, this has never happened. We have always been in agreement over what I have done that was inappropriate. Heck, my idea of what is inappropriate is usually more encompassing than his. If it happened that I felt I had been wrongly punished *after the fact* then we would talk about it and I imagine he would apologize for hurting me, even if he felt he was right to punish me. His authority is not more important than my feelings and he has never used that authority as license to disregard my thoughts or feelings, no matter how silly they might seem (and with my imbalances, I can get pretty irrational). I can't imagine he is going to start anytime soon.
That's how it works in our house, I hope that helps clarify a bit.
o*
"It was something magic out of something frightening. That's how I live my life, I take it as it comes. In my mind I see the rocking horse inside the tree." -Sara Evans
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Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 1658
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 12:44 am: |
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Steve has always been very good about telling me what is a spankable offense and what isnt. I accepted his rules at my collaring, and I know what will get me in trouble. I keep an accounting in my book of the times I break his rules and of the minor infractions I committ.
That said...Steve is wonderful about talking out our disagreements over discipline. I know when Ive broken a rule, but if I explain the circumstances and he agrees I had reason...he usually will let me off the hook. We even had a very in depth conversation for days when we disagreed about how a punishment should take place and if a safeword would be allowed...and we finally reached a compromise that satisfied us both.
Nothing is impossible with communication. 
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
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Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 374
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 07:58 am: |
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I believe that communication is the key..."R" does not spank in anger, nor will he spank me if I want to talk about it first. Plenty of times I have disagreed with a spanking, but he will calmly tell me WHY he is going to do it - and 9 times out of 10 I know he is right (I just like trying to get out of one  ) We do not have rules actually written down, but since we have been together for so long, I kinda know what will get me OTK right quick 
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Redhinney
Advanced Spanko
Username: Redhinney
Post Number: 423
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 10:55 am: |
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First Pinkchecks I love your little smiley's. Way cute.
For us it's very easy I don't do things that might lead up to a spanking after all I'm an angel but on those days that the angel left her halo home and I do get into trouble or a situtation that is a gray area Bill and I discuss it. After the discussion ifhe still feels it's spankable he will wait for a few hours and if he still thinks it's spankable over the knee I go of curse fussing all the way but and a big but here(besides my own)mot times he will not spank. I say this because I acn only think of one time that bill ever spanked me when I didn't think it was right and that time had to do with his sister. I thinkhe was just so worked up about the events of the day that he could'nt even hear me. I think in 26 years not a bad thing.
Love can't always be seen or heard but will always be felt with your heart
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Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 381
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 05:08 pm: |
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Thanks Red....feel free to steal them at any time
***congrats on the 26 years of marriage - not many of us can say that - "R" and I will be married 31 years on the 16th of this month.
That man can still "do it for me" 
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Beachley
Advanced Spanko
Username: Beachley
Post Number: 364
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 05:59 pm: |
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I have only been spanked seriously a few times and I can remember each and every one of them.
If I was spanked when I did not think I deserved it, I would be hurt emotionally, but it would not be devastating. I make mistakes, and Mr. B makes mistakes. So far it has never been in the realm of spanking and I do think he would listen to my reasoning first. But ultimately if he felt I needed to be spanked for something then it would happen when HE was ready for it to happen.
I know he would never injure me and we would work our way through any emotional turmoil. So I really don't worry about it much. It probably would never happen in our case.
The Spice of Life is having my OWN WAY!! A spanking would be nice.
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Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 471
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 03:15 am: |
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I have only been spanked for punishment when I deserve it and am cuddld and help afterward. We talk before and after the spaning to decide if we both agree I deserve it and if I do, we talk about ehy I got the spanking ad what I learned from it and how everything is okay again.
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 4
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 07:21 am: |
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I am mainly spanked because I need it. I try to submit to my husband in all ways but as I've always been technically the HOH it's difficult to change 40 years of conditioning. I'm only 40 but I think even as a child I never submitted to anyone and was always Head of everything. I submit to him spanking me for correction not because I think he's right but because he can . I have given him that right and I feel safe and cared for. ALso I so desperately want to change and to not have all the power. I'm in conflict all the time -as a strong woman 'how dare a man tell me what to do let alone punish me for not doing what he said' but I love submitting and being told what to do, every command, every whip turns me to jelly.
To try and be a litte more succinct.
It matters not if I disagree(& I usually do) it only matters that it's what he wants .
And spanking a punishment - only if it's less than 100 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2318
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 09:07 am: |
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Be patient Misty, you have been trying to make up for lost time. Change takes time and needs to be made in small steps. I am also an in charge person and have been living the DD lifestyle for a long time. Most days it feels natural, but other days you better not mess with me. I do agree that I like the idea of relinguishing, but I still need to remain in control in my public life.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 7
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 02:16 pm: |
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LOL Patient ! how did you know that was my middle name. Patience lets say is not one of my virtues .
As he he supposed to be in control we go at his pace which is very very very slow
Thus I am having to learn patience.
___________________________________________________
Can I also ask you about DD. I am really having a hard time with the concept. Don't get me wrong I have a hard time with most of this but I think it's the word Domestic and Disciplne. It harks of traditional marriage. I didn't change my name when we got married and I have always rebelled against discipline and authority. I know words and titles mean nothing ,hell I want him to be the boss and to discipline me but 'Domestic' it sends shivers thru me. When we first started this I found lots of DD sites and although I could relate to a lot of it the concept behind it of the man correcting his wife I couldn't go with. So we went to the master slave arena but although several of them are married it was a different ball game from different roots. I call Wayne Master most of the time when alone(along with lots other explitives) and he calls me slave-niether of which we are but somehow I feel more comfortable with that than DD. I know titles are just titles and each relationship attaches it's own meaning to those names. Could you please explain what you see DD as and what it means to you. I hope I don't seem rude, I am in no way saying it's wrong. It seems more close to what we are doing than any other stuff we have come across but I can't get away from the fact it feels wrong that a husband should disciple his wife. Me giving everything to him including being disciplened, I can deal with(well almost). Arghhh my head is spinning.
MDx
P.S My next post will be a one liner! |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 105
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 02:26 pm: |
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Hey Misty,
I don't practice DD myself, b/c its basic tenets contradict my personal ideals of companionate marriage -- equality and reciprocity. I would never allow someone to discipline me for real, when I can't do the same. Plus the idea of really being punished seems like it would feel terrible rather than good. But that is just me. I don't want the head trip.
Have you checked into D/s? It's less extreme than Master/slave and might be what you are looking for.
Or you can just have a playful relationship where you get spanked for bogus "offenses," which is what I have with M. Just do what feels right. Why label it?
Also, you might want to check out World Spanking Forum for an alternative approach to spanking from this site -- less DD, more BDSM.
(Message edited by victoria_wood on May 17, 2006)
Cheers,
Victoria
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Little_miss
New member
Username: Little_miss
Post Number: 6
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 03:56 pm: |
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with D/D it's kind of a trust issue. You have to trust another human with the right to discipline but not abuse you. In my relationship, if "A" thinks i need a spanking for something we discuss it. I'm welcome to have opinions but he explains what he thinks and the final decision is always his. We never rush into a punishment so there's never too little time to talk about it. Usually if i disagree(which I almost never do) "A" listens and lets me off with a warning. But if we both agree I deserve it or if he over rules me; I get whatever he decides is fair.
We always talk afterwards so if i feel that it was wrong or i didn't deserve it we talk about it again and either he or I (usually both) apologizes.
I think it's a lifestyle that only suits some people. You'd have to be a forgiving/ patient individual to be on either end of it because if you build resentment; all the trust will be lost.
"Lately it just seems to me like we have the letters ADD branded into our mentality"
~Reliant K
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 12
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 04:36 pm: |
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I trust him implicitly. We have both given up the right to lie or hide anything from each other. He would never ever abuse me no matter how much I ask him to!! I trust him with my life . I just feel and maybe I'm wrong that in DD it's the man who knows whats best for the woman. How can any other person decide what is best for another.... and yet I still do it. Giving up power is a total turn on both erotically and lovingly. I have given myself to Wayne to do with as he wants but it's to him despite him being a male not because he is a male .............. Can it be the other way round can the woman be in charge in a DD and for that matter can a feminist be a submissive ? Could I be more confused ?
Misty |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 110
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 04:53 pm: |
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Misty,
Yes a woman could be the Dom in a DD relationship or the couple could switch.
I think you can be a feminist and a sub. I am. I know this is controversial, but to me feminism is about gender equality in the public sphere, and submission is a personal choice.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2326
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 04:58 pm: |
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Misty, There are plenty of males subs and females dommes. It is all in the personality, whatever feels more comfortable. Victoria on this site is a lesbian relationship that includes spanking but not DD. Gender has nothing to do with it. We need to get some of our male subs in here to offer more insite. Gentlemen, speak up please.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2327
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 05:18 pm: |
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I neglected your original question Misty. My husband and I are both in the spanking lifestyle, we enjoy it and practised it way before we ever came near the DD concept. Spanking is part of our sexuality and personalities, I am preaching to the choir here with that concept.
R and I started DD when I was feeling so much in control of my entire world that I began to feel out of control. We do not have arbitrary rules and things that I must do, say or wear.
I happen to be a person that believes in accountablilty and responsiblity. I wish more of the world agreed with me. Personally I am a very responsible woman who can take care of herself, 6 kids, a job, 2 dogs and a good size household. I make all the financial decisions, and I fight my own battles.
That aside, I like the idea of having someone to take care of me. It took me a long time to understand this and accept it. R does not have the right to punish me, but I allow him to discipline me when he thinks it is needed. I am very responsive to a spanking and it is a form of intimacy to me. I am harder on myself than he ever is of me. If nothing else, a spanking releases pent up emotions and physically and emotionally drains out the negativity. The vast majority of my spanking are not disciplinary, but at times, a spanking really drives a point home with me. If you read some of my posts you can see why I have been disciplined.
My biggest issue is putting my own needs last and over doing to a point of causing unnecessary stress. If I can't see what I am doing to myself, I do appreciate him getting my attention. My own strong will gets in the way of my well being.
For instance, I will take on so many projects that I am frazzled, R has stepped in and said ENOUGH. Does he have a right to do that? Probably not, but am I grateful later on that he did. You bet. It might sound stupidly simple, but I know he loves me enough to help me when I need it.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 15
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 05:21 pm: |
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I knew the dommes and male subs bit it was the DD arena which interested me but now I do know and feel much happier it can be both ways round. God knows why it bothers me anyhow all I want is to bloody submit to and grow under his love and discipline
And aooh Victoria I love the gender quality in public and submission personal bit.
Misty |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2328
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 05:26 pm: |
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Misty, if all you want to do is submit and grow, forget about why it is bothering you. You are letting society dictate what you are programed to want. Sod it and dance to your own drummer.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 16
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 05:33 pm: |
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OMG Fanny. I really have found the right place and the right people to talk to. It was the terms that confused me. Not your last post but the one about your reason ....You have just put into words everything that me and W are about and you made me cry 2x in 24 hrs. He loves me so much and justs want to help me realize my potential without me and my daemons coming in and scewing it up. I can be incrediblty self destructive.(not a suprize eh) We are now closer than ever and the fact that we now have one hell of a hot kinky sex life is just one red hot glowing bonus.
Thanks Fanny
Misty
(Message edited by mistydawn on May 17, 2006) |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2329
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 07:03 pm: |
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That is what this Den is all about, Misty. Sharing and caring, and making each other feel not so alone in their feelings.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Sarahsbrat
New member
Username: Sarahsbrat
Post Number: 17
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 15, 2006 - 06:18 am: |
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Contrary to what most people think of Tops and brats, especially brats, these DD homes are usually based on equality. The Top is not always in the right and the brat is not always wrong. We have lively discussions and sometimes we argue over things. I don't get punished for opinions or feelings.
I have a friend who seems to think swearing is a big deal. She thinks everytime she swears she should get punished for it. I thought about this for a while and then laughed. First off she's 40 years old and should be able to swear if she wishes. What I told her was this, talk to Bill and see how he feels about it. In my home I can swear, I just can't swear at Sarah. That is disrespect.
If there are decisions to be made we usually talk about them as long as they do not include why I can't have or do something that she knows is harmful to me.
There are some things that there is no negotiating on, like meds, bed, foods that agravate my HG problem etc.
Not just any naughty brat...Sarahsbrat
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