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Tplayer
New member
Username: Tplayer
Post Number: 2
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 03:03 pm: | 
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My husband really does not want to spank me. We've tried it, but he'd rather not. I've met someone through Alt.com. My husband knows about it. What is anyone's oponion about going outside marriage to fulfill this strong need? |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 81
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 03:59 pm: |
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He knows about it, but what does he think about it? Will sex be combined with spanking? Do you want it to be? Are you romanticallly interested in this guy or could you be?
Cheers,
Victoria
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Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 390
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 04:08 pm: |
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You know...every couple is different. Some men have no problem with the idea that their wife is being spanked by someone else. But you asked for an opinion right?
I can't see myself going outside of my marriage. "R" and I have been married over 30 years (yeah...we are part of the baby boomer generation), and we have only been spanking for about 3 years now. "R" would have NEVER thought to spank me - I was the one who initially introduced him to D/s and BDSM - he did things because he knew I enjoyed it - but it was not his "cup of tea"..........until spanking was introduced!! At first he was an erotic spanker (and always asked me if I was ok - was he spanking too hard...etc)...but as time passed, and we talked about how it made the both of us feel......well, he has become quite the paddler 
I could not see myself draped over someone's knee other then "R", but like I said, every couple is different. If you are open, honest, and sincere with each other - and no one gets hurt in the process...then, best of luck 
PS....Victoria brings up a lot of good questions too!
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Tplayer
New member
Username: Tplayer
Post Number: 3
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 04:10 pm: |
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He doesn't like it, but he says he understands that it's a strond desire for me, and he doesn't want to stand in the way. I'm not romantically interested, but I am attracted. There would be some sort of sexual gratification for him, but I can get sexually gratified at home |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 82
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 04:34 pm: |
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Tplayer,
Since you asked, I'll give you my honest opinion. I think that you will be putting your marriage at risk if you start getting spanked by that man. You are attracted to him and will be sexually gratifying him (does your husband know that part?). This is a recipe for an affair to start b/w the two of you or for your husband to go elsewhere for attention. I know some people are able to work out such arrangements, but it's a serious risk.
Of course, since your husband refuses to attend to your important physical needs, it may be just as well if you move on to a new relationship. You deserve to be satisfied physically and emotionally.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
(Message edited by victoria_wood on May 10, 2006)
Cheers,
Victoria
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Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 391
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 05:13 pm: |
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mmmm...I worry about that "sexual gratification" for this man. Would this be supplied by you? Does hubby know that? Is he ok with it? I gotta agree with Vic on this....big risk here. Have you and your husband been married long?
Ultimately, the choice is yours....but I see a lot going wrong, as opposed to a lot going right. Especially since you said your husband does not like the idea....quite a dilemma here - keep us posted *we are here to help if we can
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Gypsygirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Gypsygirl
Post Number: 263
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 05:31 pm: |
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I think under the circumstances it would be best to find a different spanker, one who didn't expect sexual gratification, one who's gratification would be the act of spanking you. As has been mentioned here many times, check out the different meets there are and you may eventually find someone suitable there who you can have this 'seperate' relationship with without putting your marriage at risk. As far as I can tell there are several marriages that conduct this sort of arrangement and I wouldn't advocate the need to leave your husband over this point if he says that he is willing for you to do this elsewhere. The fact that you talked to him about it and he is ok with you going to someone else shows that you have a strong marriage and that is not something to be thrown away lightly.
I foresee spankings........LOTS of spankings
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Beachley
Advanced Spanko
Username: Beachley
Post Number: 366
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 05:42 pm: |
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Spanking is one thing and that alone may work if you and your husband are in agreement. But add in any sort of sexual gratification for the spanker in my opinion is a recipe for disaster.
And I have to add, if the man doing the spanking has the privilege of spanking you with your husband's consent, he should be happy with just the opportunity of spanking.
You like to be spanked, he likes to spank. Why should you owe him anymore. It seems to me like you or he feels that some payment is needed for the spanking, and that payment is in the form of sexual gratification.
That is absolutely ridiculous. If he was really into spanking he would be happy with the opportunity to spank you and leave it at that. In my opinion, it sounds like he is using spanking as a means to get sexual gratification and that is not what spankers do.
Sorry if my opinion is not what the main stream would accept.
The Spice of Life is having my OWN WAY!! A spanking would be nice.
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Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 84
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 05:47 pm: |
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Also, I just want to add, that even if no sexual gratification is involved, I still think it's a huge risk. Emotions might very well develop b/w spanker and spankee. Plus you will be turning to someone else for the thing that is most important or at least very important to you. That has to create a wedge.
Also, you say your husband doesn't like it. Does he really understand, as in he's really OK with it? Or is it a grudging acceptance? Also, are you angry at him for refusing to spank you? I would be.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Tplayer
New member
Username: Tplayer
Post Number: 4
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 07:03 pm: |
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I really appreciate all the input. Keep it coming! I have passed your comments on to my husband. I'm not angry at my husband; I just have an overwhelming desire to be spanked! I've been married for 19 years, and don't want to jeopordize my relationship. My husband knew about my desire before we got married; I just think I was not bold enough to make sure he knew how strongly I felt about it. That was my bad. You all have really helped me get things straight in my head. Thanks |
Subbie
New member
Username: Subbie
Post Number: 22
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 08:55 pm: |
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I can only see this as a disaster waiting to happen, emotional affairs can be just as damaging as sexual ones.
My ex was not a spanker either but I was willing to live without it and that was not the reason our marriage ended, it was he had an affiar, best of luck to you both, hope you can work it out
i am so good, so spank me and make me bad
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Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 87
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 09:13 pm: |
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My ex was not a spanker either, even though I told her on the second date how important it was. She spanked me until we moved in together and then that was it. It killed our sex life. I was willing to live without too, thinking I have many desires, not just that. Thank G-d she cheated on me and we broke up. I would never live without it again.
This is not to say anything about what Tplayer should do. 19 years is a long time.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 818
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 09:42 pm: |
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I'm sorry but I don't think going outside your marriage to satisfy this need with this man is a good idea at all.
First of all, you say your husband doesn't like it but is willing to go along with it. I'm not sure that's a good sign. If he's not happy about it and you go ahead and start going outside your marriage to satisfy your needs, how is that going to make him feel in the long run? If he didn't mind it would be different, but he does mind.
Secondly, you say: "I'm not romantically interested, but I am attracted." Now you're playing with fire. If you weren't married that would be fine...but you are!
Plus this spanker you've found wants sexual satisfaction after spanking you. Now that's just wrong! He knows you're married, right? I think you need to be more concerned with your marriage than with getting spanked by this man.
You need to work out some kind of understanding with your husband before you try to find another willing spanker. After 19 years of marriage that you don't want to jeopardize, I think you should try and figure out some solution.
One more thing, I would be more careful if I were you about who answers your ad. There are men out there who would be happy to spank you and find the spanking all the gratification they need. But then there are the guys who see this as an opportunity to get what they want with no worries because you have a husband to go home to. Those are the ones to look out for because they're more interested in getting their own needs meet than taking care of yours.
Good luck! |
Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 393
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 06:00 am: |
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Great points Bethie!
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 88
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 09:08 am: |
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Tplayer,
What are your husband's reasons for denying you the spankings you want and need?
Cheers,
Victoria
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Tplayer
New member
Username: Tplayer
Post Number: 5
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 09:13 am: |
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I agree with Pinkcheeks. Great points from Bethie and the rest of you. I got my husband to read through the posts last night, and he says he will really think about these and "get back to me"! Hopefully it'll be with his hand!! I'll keep you updated |
Redhinney
Advanced Spanko
Username: Redhinney
Post Number: 424
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 09:38 pm: |
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OK Spank to us is so connected to sex thatthere is no way that it can be outside of our marriage. It is way to sexual even when we do discpline spanking. The every act of seeing you with your panties around your knee/ankles is sexual.
I agree wit Bethie. reda he rpost again and thinka bout it and than read one more time jsut to make sure you got everything.
Just my 2 cents
Love can't always be seen or heard but will always be felt with your heart
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Pagan
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pagan
Post Number: 433
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 09:56 pm: |
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Without meaning to be confrontational, I don't think that our partners have to meet all of our needs, or that they're depriving us when they don't.
My husband is a vanilla. He has come a long way since I came out to him for 'real'. I made a few halting requests early in our relationship that he did not take seriously, and didn't make a more strongly worded request until 12 years has passed.
Long enough to have gotten married, bought a home, and made three children together. Woven our lives tightly together.
He was ok with the idea, but concerned about hurting me. Most men are conditioned from an early age to not hit women. It isn't intuitive to them that this is different.
We are asking them to behave in a way that is contrary to their own self-image. I think that fact gets minimized, sometimes.
Our needs as spankos are not, IMO, more important than their needs. What if our partners asked us to do something that we truly felt was abhorrent?
For the sake of argument, let's say my hubby told me that he's a cross-dresser. Ok, he wants to wear women's underwear sometimes. I'm fine with that. Then he says that he'd like to dress in women's clothing sometimes around the house. A little funny feeling to me, but ok, as long as the kids aren't around.
If he said that he wanted to dress as a woman when we were making love, and have me tell him what a pretty girl he was...I just couldn't do it. I'm not a lesbian...I want a MAN to make love to me. Preferably in a dominant way. If he gave me the 'you'd do this if you loved me bit', I would be not be impressed by him attempting to emotionally blackmail me. (I am in no way suggesting that's the situation here).
Now, there's not a thing wrong with cross-dressing. It's just not my thing, which is fine. I'm not under the impression that the World According to Pagan is the model.
My hubby told me from day one that he would only do this in play. If I asked him to discipline me he would be genuinely uncomfortable (and likely be put of spanking afterwards). He would NOT do it - the concept is just distasteful to him. Would that mean that he's let me down? I don't think so. He's gone as far as he can, and no one can ask more than that.
There are two things at stake here - spanko needs, and shared history/love.
If and only if spanking is more important than the life you've built together would I ever consider stepping out.
Given the choice between having my loving partner and getting spanked...I'd go back to getting spanked only in my head. NO question. I'd choose love any day. Would I miss spanking? Absolutely. I've been a spanko since I took my first step. But losing him would be far worse. I love him to death.
There are lots of single spankos out there looking for partners. They may find someone to spank them, but stories like Bethie and Dan's are the minority, from everything I've read. If the marriage is over, it's one thing. But if you still love each other, be careful you don't sacrifice what you have reaching for something you don't.
You only get one life, and you have a right to be happy, and to be who you really are. Only you can decide what the right answer is for you.
Just remember that your husband has the same rights. He isn't a bad guy because he doesn't want to do this.
I think it's unrealistic and unreasonable to expect our partners to meet all of our needs. Nor do I think it's what they signed up for.
And if they say, "Go ahead with my blessing, Sweetheart" it's one thing. But if they have reservations, and you go there, you are risking your marriage.
If my husband said he wanted to swing, and I said no, I would expect that to be the end of it. I'd try to meet the need another way through fantasy or role play, but in the end, no means no. I don't have to have a good reason to refuse. If it's way outside my comfort zone, I expect that to be respected.
If he said, "Well, if you won't, then I'm going to need to do it do it on my own, because it's important"...I'd tell him not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out, and call my lawyer.
I stood in front of all of our friends and families and said "...and to be faithful to you alone". I meant it. My husband has come to spanking events with me, and has given his permission for me to spank or be spanked by others. Because he is there. In the room. If I went and did it without him, it would not be ok. He would view that as an infidelity, and I don't blame him. It is an intimacy, IMO, whether sex is involved or not.
Not trying to offend anyone here...but sometimes I think the partner gently refusing gets demonized a bit, and I think that's unfortunate.
Best of luck, no matter what you decide. |
Tom6789ca
New member
Username: Tom6789ca
Post Number: 14
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 12:13 am: |
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I think Pagan is right on here, and I applaud her understanding of the "partner gently refusing." Spanking, hurting a woman, making her cry -- all that goes contrary to a lifetime of social conditioning for men. It's not easy to get through that barrier, even for men who have a strong urge to spank. For a man who doesn't have that interest, I can imagine it would be hugely difficult and stressful. As Pagan says, the needs of the person who wants to be spanked are not more important than those of the partner who doesn't want to spank. I don't think men should be made to feel less worthy as husbands just because the woman has discovered after years of marriage that she wants something that, let's face it, isn't part of the usual pre-nuptual agreement.
Sorry, I don't have a quick fix to the OP's dilemma... but whatever the couple works out must, I think, as Pagan says, grant equal respect to both partners. |
Blistering_blonde
Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 56
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 01:04 am: |
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Paga Your advice is straight forward AND to the point ...
you give reasons and plots ..to other possiable senario ...Your advice was wonderful....
AND your right ...those who do want stuff SHOULD respect the limits imposed by partner ...and not be demonized for it |
Fireman_chris
Spanko
Username: Fireman_chris
Post Number: 114
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 02:09 am: |
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Very well said, Pagan. Even though my wife and I knew each other as spankos before we ever got married, we know plenty of spankos who are in relationships where their spouse isn't into it. Some are more understanding than others. I've known a few who basically had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and others who loved to hear the details, but didn't want to give the spankings themselves. And yes, I've known a few who only grudgingly allowed the spanko spouse to play with others, and even a couple where it was done in secret.
Obviously, any sort of secrecy like that in a marriage can have very bad consequences and open and forward communication is best, but then again, each person has to make the decision of what's best for his or her own partcular situation, and I'm not about to judge someone.
I'd like to think that I'm open enough that if my wife was into some kink that I'm not into, that I'd let her explore it with others if I couldn't fulfill that need. I know she loves me, and I love her, and I know that regardless of anything else, she'd be coming home to me. I have no problem with other men spanking her too. We know what works in our relationship, and as long as we're both OK with that, its a good thing.
As you slide down the banisters of life
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Old Irish Proverb
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Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 398
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 04:31 am: |
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Well said Pagan
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Shylah
Advanced Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 893
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 05:39 am: |
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It's not easy to get a vanilla partner started in the scene. Being open and honest is a good beginning.
Speak to him about a "trial" spanking. Tell him to try spanking you without holding back. Then sit (if you can) and discuss it with him. Have him tell you his feelings on how the spanking went. Then tell him your feelings. Let him know how much you appreciated it and needed it.
Who knows...he might just like it!
Good luck.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 823
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 05:51 am: |
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Good points, Pagan, thank you! Especially your point about the partner who gets demonized. It happens and it's not fair.
Also, folks, don't feel like you need to apologize for your thoughts or opinions. We're all at least a little different and that's not a problem. It's what makes discussion interesting.  |
Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 92
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 08:45 am: |
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I think Pagan makes some excellent points. It has to be about compromise. For example, if one person wants DD and it offends the other person's core beliefs, then perhaps role play might be a compromise.
And I think that this is a very hard issue when a spanko is already married to or falls in love with a vanilla.
But, that said, IMO, and this is just my opinion, when someone pledges monogamy and fidelity to you, you have a sacred obligation to satisfy that person's sexual needs. That person has forsaken all others for you, and so you have to take your conjugal duties to him/her very seriously. And if spanking is at the core of that person's sexuality, his/her sexual orientation is spanking, then that needs to be included.
I also think that if the person is so opposed to it, perhaps he/she doesn't really understand what spankophilia is about. (I would say the same thing about transvestitism too, btw.)
Sexuality is central to a full life and it's essential for health and happiness. I don't think it's fair to expect someone to do without that. To be cavalier about someone being forced to repress his/her sexual desires is cruel and degrading to human dignity.
"I don't want to" or "it doesn't turn me on so I'm not going to bother" is not a legitimate excuse in my book.
(Message edited by victoria_wood on May 12, 2006)
Cheers,
Victoria
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 901
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:20 pm: |
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Well said Victoria
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Tplayer
New member
Username: Tplayer
Post Number: 13
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 06:30 pm: |
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So do I acknowlege and try to fulfill my need, or do I continue as I have |
Pagan
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pagan
Post Number: 434
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 12:21 am: |
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T, I don't think anyone here can answer that for you. It's a decision you have to make for yourself, while (IMO) keeping your husband's feelings in mind, assuming you wish to stay in your marriage.
It sounds like he tried for you, and just can't. It's not clear whether you're asking for discipline, or erotic spanking. Not that I have any stats, but I think it's easier to have a vanilla mate come to appreciate spanking you erotically than it is to have him assume a dominant r/l role he may not want.
For many of us with vanilla partners, we content ourselves with the movie in our head, and devouring everything we can see and find about spanking.
I think the internet has been both a blessing and a curse to people like us. A blessing in that we realize that we're not alone, and that we have the opportunity to talk to others like us, ask questions, learn about what is possible, etc.
I think it's a curse in that it increases our expectations, sometimes unrealistically. We read about wonderful spanking relationships people have. Some truly are blessed in that way...some are not. Some things written as truths are actually fiction. You can't see what's real and what's not, and that's the problem.
If you're like me, and you like reading spanking erotica...well, that's even worse. I write as well, and I can tell you that it's a lot easier to create an ideal fictional mate than it is to live and grow with the one you have.
Don't be seduced by visions of what isn't real. I have a strong marriage and a good spanking relationship with my husband. Is it perfect? Of course not. Does he follow the script in my head, and spank me precisely when and the way I'd like, while saying exactly the right things? Of course not.
Some of us can be content with the glass half full, and fill in the gaps with fantasy. Some cannot, and absolutely cannot be happy without making spanking a 'real' part of their lives.
There is no right answer. Only one that's right for you. |
Tplayer
New member
Username: Tplayer
Post Number: 36
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, June 04, 2006 - 02:10 pm: |
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I apprecite everyone's imput. The input has helped me with deciding what is right for me in my life as it is. Thanks so much!!
It's all a matter of perspective
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