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Tmichellebrat
New member
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 4
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 06:54 pm: | 
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}Since I am new to the Den let me tell you a little background so you all know where I am coming from. I have been in a D/s relationship for the past ten years and it has not been fun to say the least, very abusive and my self worth and self esteem have suffered due to it. I am now getting therapy and doing better with it, I have stopped all D/s play/discipline ect. in my marriage and currently trying to get my life togather so I can file for divorce. Now here is where it gets a little complicated...For the last six years I have been chatting with this great guy online...he is a Dom ...at the time I started talking to him is when I was going through the abuse and problems with my husband, I was just very unhappy and I guess at the time trying to escape to the online world. But what I wasn't anticipating is falling for this man ...and fall hard I did. He is aware of my whole situation and circumstances and has been very supportive and been there for me every step of the way. We have met in person twice and after chatting with him on the computer and phone for the past six years, meeting him was just the next step and it felt like we had known each other for a lifetime when we did first meet. Now here is the problem that I am having and I am hoping for some advice from everyone here. He has already spanked me twice, both discipline spankings ...but because of the abuse I have endured he has a hard time spanking me ...it bothers him because he knows the details of what I went through with my husband. The very first spanking that he gave me was more like an erotic spanking than a discipline one ...he later told me why, the scars I have don't help matters. I am trying to be understanding but it bothers me at the same time. I love this man very much and I need the spanking in my life, and I won't give the spanking up either and he is aware of that. But how do I help him to know that I trust him and I trust his judgment while discipling me? You would think that I would have the trust issues due to the abuse I went through with my husband, but I don't ...I trust this man completley and that has never been the issue. I am just very frustrated becasue I can brat, brat, brat, and he ignores me in turn making me feel that he does not care when I know he does. Another problem is we live over 1100 miles away from each other so that complicates matters too. He visits every three to four months but it's still hard being so far away from him. But to sum this up ....How do I make him feel more at ease about discipling me? And how can we make it consistent when right now we live so far away from each other? Any advice would be appreciated because I am at my wit's end and ready to pull my hair out  |
Babyj4
Advanced Spanko
Username: Babyj4
Post Number: 883
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 07:10 pm: |
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that is a hard question to answer. 1st let me say a long distant relation ship is very difficult, options for that are move closer to each other, or make the effort to visit more often. As for the abuse I completely understand, I was abused not by a spouse, but by a boyfriend, and my parents. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, It has taken that long for him to even begin to be comfoprtable spanking me. The best thing I could tell you is to keep talking to him about what you went through, how you feel about it, how spanking is still an important part of you, and tell him exactly what you want him to do. I hope this helps, good luck be safe and welcome to the den.
Babyj- worlds cutest little brat!
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Tmichellebrat
New member
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 5
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 08:33 pm: |
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Hi Babyj, thanks for your advice. Yes we do plan on moving closer to each other it's just all a matter of time with both of our lives being somewhat complicated right now due to circumstances....well mostly due to my personal circumstances, not his. Your advice about telling him exactly what I want him to do...I wish I could be that open with him but I find myself not being able to express how I am truly feeling and what I want ....and I know it's just because of my own insecurities  |
Babyj4
Advanced Spanko
Username: Babyj4
Post Number: 887
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 08:37 pm: |
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Try your best to tell him in person what you want, but if you just can't possibly bring yourself to do so another good way is to write him a letter. I wrote one to my husband and was able to let out everything I was feeling and wanting. It opened up the flood gates, and we were able to talk to one another more easily. The bottom line is communication, lots and lots of communication. good luck.
Babyj- worlds cutest little brat!
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Tmichellebrat
New member
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 6
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 09:03 pm: |
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Thanks again Babyj...yes your right communication is the key and that is what he keeps preaching at me too LOL...you would think I would get that by now. yes writing letters/emails is a good idea, I have done that in the past with him with other issues that have been bugging me so I will have to try that approach again. |
Babyj4
Advanced Spanko
Username: Babyj4
Post Number: 888
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 09:48 pm: |
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I'm glad I could help, let me know how it goes. Also i wanted to tell you something that helped us is that I explained the difference between what had happened to me in the past, and what I was asking him to do. We just recently started discipline spankings, and they are not enjoyable, but they seem to get the job done. The 1st week I got spanked 3 days in a row, and then 2 days later. After that I have to say i really strived to be better, and it has been about 2 weeks since the last discipline spanking I recieved, so he agree's that it was the best idea we've tried yet. Just keep talking and things will get better.
Babyj- worlds cutest little brat!
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Master60s_pet
New member
Username: Master60s_pet
Post Number: 23
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 16, 2005 - 10:54 pm: |
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I don't have your problem as I am not in a physical abusive relationship with my husband. I do have this problem needed a spanking and not being able to get one cause of health issues that I have. They think it is cruel to me to add more pain, but yet that does not take my need for spanking away. It mainly just makes me frustrated. Master spanked me Saturday for some infractions, but to be honest I was just glad to be able to get some release. The past few weeks have been very rough.
Maybe you can talk to him about a safe word. I he agrees to spank you, you promise to use the safe word. Just an idea. Or the stop light system. I use it with my top in the U.K. Just like BabyJ says keep the lines of communication opened, that is the most important. |
Ftopinmichigan
Junior Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 51
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 17, 2005 - 09:01 am: |
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Hi, Michelle. I'm someone with moderately severe (although improving) issues with trusting others (in general, as well as in the scene). There are many factors that have cause this, but it takes quite a long time for me to trust others, and even then, I'm always 'on guard.'
Now, to turn this around a bit, it appears that "you" have found trust in this man.
Here's a thought....how about, since you've opened up to him, and may have told him everything regarding your abusive relationship, as well as expressing your own issues with trust, that he is not about to jeopardize what you already have together. If he pushes you, or gives you the spanking you seek, at this stage in the relationship, he fears "hurting" you, not only physically, but maybe more mentally.
I've never thought about how my own issues of trust...or more appropriately, my "lack of trust" toward others, would actually effect them. My holding back, initially, may cause them to hold out even longer. They may be refraining from moving forward, until I make the move, or suggestion, or whatever it takes to make them understand that I have found the "trust" in them that I need.
Don't forget that he (probably) knows your entire situation, and his holding back may be a deliberate defense of him, toward you...just not to push it yet.
With it being long distance too, he may not have the opportunity to see that you are functioning well in your situation now. Perhaps the time you spend together isn't enough for him to KNOW that you trust him, even thought he tries to feel that.
Just a guess.
The best thing to do is to address this directly with him. Ask him the same question you posed here.
K |
Tmichellebrat
New member
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 11
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 12:49 am: |
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Ftopinmichigan....thanks for the advice. Yes your right I need to communicate more than I have been. I sometimes find it hard to be open with him about what I want and how I feel. I think the reason why I have a hard time telling him of what I want or what I need is because I am afraid of rejection....so instead I hold it all in and I am miserable when I do that. And yes he is afraid of "hurting" me emotionally and mentally because of the past abuse I have been through with my husband. I will take your advice and address this to him directly.
Master60s_pet....yes I know what you mean by being frustrated. I have some major health issues myself and my Dom ignores the little things and it frustrates me to the point where I feel very out of control and I don't like that feeling. Thanks for your advice about the safe word and the stop light system ..I did discuss that with him finally ...after alot of apprehension and we didn't really come to an agreement but it's now out in the open so that is a start. And being that we live 1100 miles away from each other it is harder so alot of this we just discuss but never have really come to a full agreement one way or another ...I guess he is waiting until he moves closer to me which makes sense.
Thanks to everyone for all your advice. I really appreciate it and glad that I have some place to go to post my questions now...because before I found this forum I was alone in all of this. Thanks again ...Michelle |
Shylah
Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 106
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 07:49 am: |
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Listen sweetie, your story sounds almost identical to mine. I was in an abusive marriage for 30 years and can't begin to count the bloody noses, broken nose, ribs, jaw, have lost 2 teeth, not to mention the black eyes, bruises...the list goes on and on. I met my guy, a Dom, in a spanking chat. I was in the states and he was in the UK. Talk about long distance! He helped me get the courage to leave, get divorced and stand on my own two feet. We are married now. And, like yours, he has problems with spanking me. He doesn't want to hurt me and says he loves me too much to hurt me. So...I just tell him..."Do you think I would LET you do anything to me that I wasn't consenting to?" Then I tell him to "get over it and get on with it". Sometimes, YOU have to take the control. And I did find leaving letters, notes to him easier than sitting down and talking about it. Let us know how you get along sweetie, I care.
I DIDN'T DO IT!! I'm innocent I tell ya!! INNOCENT!! TRUST ME!!!
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 1485
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 08:08 am: |
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Michelle, the most important thing right now is that YOU understand and truly accept the difference between abuse and spanking. I work with abused woman and most of the time it takes a lot of work for them to understand that abuse is totally different than loving discipline. As you feel more compfortable with the concept, it will be more apparent to your dom. It always helps to have that safe word, not so much for your sake as his. This way he will know if and when you are taken beyond your comfort zone. It takes time and patience and a whole lot of trust on both partners.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Tmichellebrat
New member
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 12
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, October 21, 2005 - 09:44 pm: |
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Shylah...thanks, I appreciate your advice and it makes me feel better that I am not alone in this type of situation. My husband abused me physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually for ten years ....at the start of our marriage he was not this way, in fact I was in a loving D/s relationship with him and then the abuse began. Then I met this loving, caring sweet guy online ...a Dom ...and he helped me to see what I was going through was abuse ...because in my mind I just thought it was simple "discipline". This man also helped me to get the courage to get out of the situation. We are working on dealing with this issue ...because I have told him that "no spanking" is not an option at all. The whole situation is just very frustrating to me ...but with therapy, the advice I get here, and his help I know I will get through it. Thanks and I will keep you all informed to what is going on.
Fanny....yes I now know the difference between abuse and spanking ...but sad to say before I didn't ....I was very young when I married my husband and I totally trusted him and that gave him the power to manipulate and control the whole situation. Thanks for your advice. |
Shylah
Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 168
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, October 22, 2005 - 09:21 am: |
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No sweetie, you are NOT alone. Finding others that have gone thru that situation and how they coped is sometimes better therapy. Although I don't have the physical abuse anymore, the mental abuse I received is taking longer to overcome. My hubby would NEVER do that but I find myself becoming defensive over the smallest things. And sometimes if he raises his hand, just to brush away a hair from his eye or something, I will duck. It's not easy overcoming 30 years in just 4. Give yourself time, one day at a time.
Peace is not something you wish for; it's something you make, something you do, something you are, and something you give away! Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and resolve.
Keep in touch hon, I care.
I'm just a lil angel..innocent and sweet...BECAUSE I SAY SO!
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Tammynx
New member
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 26
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, October 22, 2005 - 05:38 pm: |
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I've known shylah for a long time...she really did go through hell and back. She made it..and now is happy.  If she can do it anyone can!!! Just know that you are not alone!!! We are all here to listen and we all care!!! |
Shylah
Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 176
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, October 22, 2005 - 05:46 pm: |
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yeah!!! what tammy said!!
I'm just a lil angel..innocent and sweet...BECAUSE I SAY SO!
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Tammynx
New member
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 29
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, October 22, 2005 - 09:10 pm: |
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Tmichellebrat
New member
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 13
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 23, 2005 - 02:41 pm: |
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Shylah...thanks again for your advice. And it's good to know that I am not alone ...although I would never wish what we have gone through on anyone...not even my worst enemy. For the most part I trust my Dom ...because I know he is nothing like my husband and could never be nothing like that either. To be honest what frustrates me the most is when he doesn't discipline me and just ignores it because of his issue with the abuse and the scars I have that bother him. I am trying to understand where he is coming from ...and I try not to Top from the bottom but I sometimes find myself doing that and that is not how I want our relationship. Today him and I had a discussion online that was very upsetting to me ...I have an eating disorder that I am fighting and going to therapy for ...my therapist has contributed that the abuse triggered the eating disorder. I tend to skip meals alot and not eat for days sometimes...at first he was correcting me for not eating ...by giving me writing assignments but now he thinks that it's not helping me because he stated that I have no control over this eating disorder, and if I have no control then discipline in any form is not going to work and actually it's going to defeat the purpose. So when he told me no more discipline I took it as he was cutting it off completley as a way to force me to get on track with my physical health issues in turn this made me very upset because he knows how important it is for this to be a part of my life. What do you think? I am really not sure what to think.
Tammynx....thanks for your advice ..I am glad I am not alone and glad I have here to come to when I do feel all alone and needing advice. Thanks again and I will keep in touch. |
Tammynx
New member
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 31
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 23, 2005 - 05:03 pm: |
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Tmichellebrat I know from experience that my husband won't use discipline if he thinks it won't help. I once said that I didn't care about something...I don't even remember what it was...but he said.."If YOU don't care then there isn't much point in my spanking you for it". I was like you..I was devestated that he meant all spanking. He didn't, what he meant was that if it wasn't going to do any good or if I just didn't give a damn there wasn't much point in spanking me.
What your on line friend needs to be reminded of...and this is just my thought here, is that spanking in NO way is abuse. If you feel like discipline WILL help with your eating disorder then tell him that.
Just my thoughts on this...hope it helps some.
 |
Shylah
Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 207
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 23, 2005 - 05:38 pm: |
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OK...yes, I too have..had?...an eating disorder...bulimia. Whenever I thought my hubby wasn't giving me the attention I thought I should be getting, I would regress back to it. He told me that he would not spank me over that. He said that he was not going to be blackmailed..."if I can't get what I want, I'll hurt myself". Well, he was right. I've never done it since he said that.
Think hard...IS it a way to get his attention? IS the eating disorder a way to blackmail him into spanking you? If you can't HONESTLY say to yourself that it isn't, than stop doing it. Start treating yourself right. Eat properly and stop using forms of blackmail to get that spanking attention you want.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but I've been there...done that...wore out the t-shirt.
What you need to understand to yourself and he needs to understand as well, that sometimes you have to love them enough to discipline them. Set some ground rules. Make a missive of things you do to warrant a spanking. Set a certian number of swats to each one. Then, MAKE IT STICK. He will need to follow thru with the spankings and you will need to accept consequences for your actions. You both will need to make a commitment to keeping to the list. And as well as you needing to see that you are using the eating disorder as a "tool"...he needs to see that the spankings are therapy you need. Until he can accept that he is not abusing you further, you can't do much to change his mind. It is something he is going to have to come to terms with. Stop using self destruction as a manipulation to get a spanking.
As I said, sorry if that seems harsh but sweetie, I've been there and I know what you are feeling...thinking and wishing for. You have a lot to overcome. It's an uphill battle and sometimes you have to fight a battle several times before you win it.
Keep in touch with me hon. I'm here for you. *hugs you tight*
I'm just a lil angel..innocent and sweet...BECAUSE I SAY SO!
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Tmichellebrat
New member
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 14
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 23, 2005 - 10:59 pm: |
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Shylah...yes you are right ...I am using this eating disorder for "attention" ...and it's not fair to him is what I have realized. And don't worry about seeming harsh ...I needed to hear this from a woman's point of view, because frankly hearing this from my therapist who is a male just irritated me. I go to a therapist who specializes in dealing with D/s and Bdsm ...so I can be truly open and honest to what is going on with me concerning the abuse I have been through and how it has really affected this relationship that I am now in. But I have found that I have regressed back to my eating disorder which is also Bulimia ...because of lack of attention...and I feel that he doesn't care or love me if he is ignoring me. It is just one of my worst fears because of what I went through with my husband. But I will take your advice and I will stop the self-destructive behavior because it's not healthy or good for me. The one thing I don't want to do is try to force him to spank me for any health condition because I don't want that for this relationship. I am just not used to being on my own without any kind of guidance...so this frustrates me more. He now lives over 1100 miles away and we see each other every three to four months ...so it's hard right now ...and it has been a big challenge for me. Thanks for your advice and concern...and I will keep in touch for sure on what is going on with this.
Tammynx...yeah I talked to him again about what he meant by no more discipline because as you did I also took it as none at all and that upset me miserably ...he explained to me that because I have no control over this eating disorder that he will not discipline me for it....but the way he worded it to me I took it as he was taking it away. The one thing I thought he was doing was using my eating disorder for his excuse not to discipline me because of the issues he has about it...I told him that this is what I thought and he said no that isn't it, but to be honest I have a hard time believing him and I told him so too. The only thing we both can do is communicate and work the issues out as they come I guess. Thanks for your advice too. |
Ftopinmichigan
Junior Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 76
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 24, 2005 - 07:22 am: |
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Michelle, as someone with diet issues (although on the other side of it all), I think that it should be "you" that has the power to make the changes that will benefit you...not your Dom. IMO, no amount of spanking from your Dom will change your behaviors, in fact it may fuel the bad ones. It sounds to me like you've found a wise man!
I wish you well with your life changes. Give yourself the power to enjoy life, and not be totally dependent on another for your happiness...or for you success.
Words are easy...I know, but you have the power, and all you need to do is take hold of it. It's within you, but it is sometimes hard to find.
I know from where I speak, as I found my power...found me, earlier this year. Sounds silly, but I lost myself for a while, and the problems of the past, and life in general took over, preventing me from enjoying everything. Sure I existed and got things done, and lived...but now, I'm doing it happily, with a smile and new vigor that I don't think I've ever had before. Life is good, and now that I've found this wonderful place, I feel I'm able to share myself with someone now too. (definitely not meant to be a personal ad)
I wish you well!
K |
Shylah
Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 225
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 24, 2005 - 10:44 am: |
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I can understand your insecurities. I was almost terrified when I found myself alone. I did live alone for a time after I got divorced and before we had moved in together. Then after a time, I said to myself...what am I sitting here moping about? I was FREE to do what I wanted, when I wanted and I didn't have to answer to anyone, defend myself for anything and all I was doing was sitting and being insecure and afraid. I got up...got dressed up...went out and had the best time of my life. I forced myself to get out and walk for exercise, I didn't take the bus when I knew I could make it. I started to enjoy my freedom. I started to stand on my own two feet. Made my own decisions. It took time. I was petrified at first!! I had never been on my own. Never lived alone.
So...I got a cat. And we shared the apartment...she lounged and I cleaned up after her but did it gladly because she was good company. Her purring was like therapy...it was like she sensed I needed the comfort.
Like Ftop says, you have the power inside you to enjoy life. Empower yourself. Stand up and tell yourself that it's time to put the past behind you and get on with living and live it the way you want. Nobody will ever again control you. You control yourself.
It is so hard to do. It took me a long time to get to that point but I made it and you can too!!!
Once you make the decision to be happy, you will be. And I think once you get to that point yourself, your Dom is going to loosen up his hangups as well. Being happy is infectious.
I'm just a lil angel..innocent and sweet...BECAUSE I SAY SO!
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Tammynx
Junior Spanko
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 54
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 24, 2005 - 02:18 pm: |
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Communication is SO important, all you can do is keep the lines open and be honest about your feelings!! |
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