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Neoserenity87
Spanko
Username: Neoserenity87
Post Number: 284
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 10:05 am: | 
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Ok, I know this may sound stupid but I really do want to know. I mean this isn't a topic generally brought up while dating (or is it?) I have no clue how to go about this. Maybe some insight from experienced Subs could help? I don't know but I'm sure there's a lot of you guys who are better at this than I am. Help!?
Kuwait here I come!!!
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Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 807
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 12:57 pm: |
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I met my Dom thru a site very like this one Neo. We became friends first, then began e-mailing and eventually calling each other. It was quite a while before we actually met in person, but because of the amount of communicating we did beforehand it seemed as if we had always known each other when we finally did meet.
I'm not into the Tops/Doms who only want to be disciplinarians, nothing more. I've always been uneasy with men who just enjoy bringing a woman to tears without friendship or affection. They claim to be there to help you with your problems, but are they really? Make friends first...whether thru a website like this one, a chat room, a spanking group that meets regularly, etc. There are lots of options out there.
Just be wary of the predators, they are out there. A Top/Dom should want friendship as well, be affectionate with you, listen to what your saying. He should want to help you with your goals, improve your self esteem. It should never be just about discipline...playful, fun spankings or "good girls" should also be part of what you do. This is a relationship you will create with this person, be sure you know what you want before you start looking. Good luck. 
wolfie loves Steve more than anything else in the whole world...even more than chocolate and lobster!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.
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Poofette
New member
Username: Poofette
Post Number: 33
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, December 02, 2005 - 01:11 am: |
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Good luck! It's a pickle I've has a taste of...sigh. Here's the thing, if you go looking for a "top" you're bound to find one willing to yank down your panties in a heartbeat. If that's all you're looking for, then you won't have any trouble finding it. If on the other hand, you're looking for a relationship with some "playtime" as an added bonus or even the D/s scene, go looking for the relationship FIRST. Wolfie, you're one of the lucky ones, congratulations on finding your mate, that wasn't an easy task, I'm sure. It's hard as hell to bring up your sexual quirks with a vanilla date but it harder to find a top with your exact same level of interest or quirk. I'm not being too clear here... For instance, I met a man from online. We hit it off well chatting both online and on the phone. Even went on a few dates. He was all ready to jump into a sexual relationship but wasn't willing to put in the time, if you know what I mean. I also discovered through lots of talking that he was far more interested in bondage then spanking. Personally, I have no issue with bondage but it's not my hot spot. I found it unnerving when he tried to press the issue, talking about our first time together being a "bondage scene” it made me "poof" literally. Glad I did because he ended up being a bit nutty, took to stalking me for a while. A few dates are not enough time to build the trust necessary for that level of involvement. I may be a bit of a kink monster but stupid I'm not!! I'd much prefer to be alive and deprived then a grim statistic. I also had a problem I've run into again and again in my dating life. If I start up a dating relationship with the man knowing what I'm into sexually it stays on the sexual level and doesn't seem to progress past that. When I date in the vanilla world the opposite seems to be true. Men think that to "win" a woman they have to be sensitive and kind and all hearts and flowers...true to a point but I'm far more interested their ability to "top" in the bedroom and keep a check on the control freak outside of the bedroom. It can be rather fun dating in the vanilla world with a "spanko's brattiness"...the look on their face is pretty priceless when you tell them you'd rather they bring a paddle then a box of chocolates to the next date. Wow, this was pretty wordy!!! Geeez, can you tell this is a point of interest for me??? Bottom line, Neo, it's far easier to corrupt a vanilla guy who's interested in exploring sexually then to tone down a toppy top. Meeting people already in the spanking scene seems like a good idea but (sorry guys)men have a tendancy to tell you anything you want to hear to get you into bed or in the corner, or over their knee. I'm sure you've experienced that in the vanilla world, it's true in this one too. Be careful and go slow. And one more thing listen closely to what Wolfie said...know exactly what you want before you go looking for it. Experimenting with someone who loves you for you is a lot better then experimenting with someone who loves the fact that you love experimenting. Make sense?
Poofette |
Ftopinmichigan
Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 212
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Friday, December 02, 2005 - 07:40 am: |
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Poofette, I agree with all you've said. Too often when a spanko meets a spanko, they are narrow focused on getting down to business, and many times, for many of them (both tops and bottoms), they are only focused on the fun, and have little concern for who that may be with at the time.
If you're seeking a "relationship"...it's very tough out there, for Spankos, and it really doesn't matter if you're a submissive/bottom or a Top.
With regards to many men (again tops and bottoms), you'll find them to be married. Many married men aren't fortunate enough to have figured their kink "before" they got married, or they thought they could put it aside for their spouse. They seek an outlet for their enjoyment, and while I don't blame them, I wonder what they think when they contact a single lady that is clear about her desire for a "relationship."
I have actually had married men tell me they too were seeking a relationship, in spite of still being married. I will no longer enjoy a married partner, as their ONLY focus is their self satisfaction. They can't care or commit to another woman...they already have one.
There are spanko sites for Personals, but again, most are married.
There are spanking groups, in many areas, but again, most participants are married.
There are posting groups, with personal sites, or message boards, but again, most members are married.
It had gotten so dissatisfying for me, that I even started my own BDSM related Singles group. And yes, I'm sure you can guess,...even married folks tried to get in there too.
There's no easy answer to finding a partner. (Oh how I wish there was!)
Wolfie wrote some good advice! I'm actually surprised more haven't offered some tips too.
Don't let anyone push you to do something you don't want to do, or push you into meeting or playing, until you are ready and willing. Do what's best for you, and follow your gut. ALWAYS use a safe call when meeting someone, and as Wolfie said, get to be "friends" first. Someone that cares for you, will....well, they'll care for you.
There are some wonderful men out there, but sometimes it's just a bit hard to find them. Sometimes....  they find you!
K |
Neoserenity87
Spanko
Username: Neoserenity87
Post Number: 288
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, December 02, 2005 - 11:24 am: |
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Thanks for all the really good advice guys. I'm finding that for how embarrassing I thought my kinks were, my bf actually thinks it's pretty cute. I guess it helps that we talk quite openly about our sexuality. The only thing that makes it difficult is the fact that I don't believe in pre-marital sex. Weird for someone my age I know. But all of you advice is very helpful, and I am in fact having fun "exploring" w/ my "vanilla" boyfriend.
Kuwait here I come!!!
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Hunny
Spanko
Username: Hunny
Post Number: 787
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, December 02, 2005 - 01:06 pm: |
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I met my boyfriend like any normal person would. When we first started dating I had no clue that he was into spanking. I don't think he knew it either! It was just a normal day in my house when he gave me the usual playful swat before our date. He told me that he thought we should just stay home tonight instead of going out. I quickly agreed because I knew what that ment! For about an hour we watched a movie on t.v. then he said that it was getting late and that I should be getting home or my friends would start getting worried. (at the time 2 of my best friends were living next door and came over to have a few drinks every night) I didn't say anything, but I snuggled in closer to him. "Victoria Elizabeth get up right now!" he said as he pushed me off of him. I stayed layed down and he got up. I was laying on my stomach so he just placed his hand on my back and gave me a few swats with his hand! I was so confused so I went home. Now we have a happy relationship that involves spanking. |
Celticbratt
Junior Spanko
Username: Celticbratt
Post Number: 117
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, December 24, 2005 - 02:17 am: |
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Well, I'm posting about the opposite angle- I was widdowed last January- It was a long time in coming, so I grieved for him while he was alive- I felt ready to date after a few months....SO- I knew what type of relatinship I wanted- I DIDN'T want vanilla- ever heard that saying? "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man?" Well, I went into it LOOKING for a spanko man- found a LOT of them, being a sub, I sort of had a VERY markatable commodity- did I meet JERKS? hell yes.I had a very intense relationship with a man- talked to him 10 times a day at LEAST-, only to find out he was indeed married (BAD BAD situation, I might add..)But I did find the "ONE"- at one point I was dating 4 different spanko men- they were all into the lifestyle, to varying degrees..But I fell HARD in love with Big G-, eventually dumped the others, and eventually got collared and pierced by Master....I've never been happier, to be honest.And if things don't work out with Master (TOO HORRIBLE TO THINK OF), I will go searching in the spanko pool only- teaching vanillas is too much work, if you ask me...you might be lucky, and hook up with someone who has a latent hidden kink, but I do feel, that if they aren't spankos, you will never truely turn them over to our way of thinking... |
Neoserenity87
Spanko
Username: Neoserenity87
Post Number: 294
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 05:01 am: |
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Thanks for such good advice guys, I did just recently reveal my kinks to my bf....we'll see how that goes. I think he finds it intriguing because he's never met a girl with my taste before you could say. Anywayz, he does seem open to it, but in small doses. The only thing that really seems to be stopping us is that he doesn't want to "hit" me. Isn't there any way to help him understand that I like it???? I dunno, any one else out there have experience
"training" a vanilla they wanna talk about?
.....dang, back to Iraq again.......oh well, watch out Iraqis! Here comes Rudy!!!!
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J1234
New member
Username: J1234
Post Number: 12
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 04:59 pm: |
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In my case, encauraging with words and sounds really helped, and telling him how much I enjoyed it. Things were very light at first, and I did not push it, but little by little things got a bit more "stingy". lol. When a man sees that he is really turning you on, it is usually a great encauragement(if you are interested in sensual part of all of this, of course).  Good luck, I hope this will turn out well! |
Pinkwench
New member
Username: Pinkwench
Post Number: 7
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 28, 2005 - 09:36 pm: |
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I met my husband just like most people do anymore -- at work. This goes back a few years, when everyone thought that Leisure Suit Larry was the hip game  . Anyway, there was some type of text based game/quiz, about your sex life, really detailed, and actually asked about sexual preferences, like bondage or spanking. I hadn't taken it yet, so we installed it on my computer, and I emboldened with a few glasses of wine, answered some of these kink questions in the affirmative. That lit up Jake's eyes, and he responded appropriately. So that was what got the ball rolling and soon we began down the road, starting with corsets and stockings and please tie me to the bed, to full fledged exploration of what implements we/he could find to "torture" my body with. 
That was years ago, and we have had ups and downs, but always end up returning to the play/fun that we enjoy. |
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