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Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 379
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 31, 2005 - 09:13 am: | 
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This is the place where I can talk about everyday stuff, right? I am feeling like a complete failure at this moment. I failed the South Beach Diet, I failed to keep myself healthy, I failed as a daughter and now I have failed in my parenting skills. My husband and I are raising his nephew along with his niece and our own four kids. The nephew was scheduled to graduate high school this weekend, and today I received a call from the school that he had failed English, so he will not be graduating. How could I have not seen this coming? This kid is a bright boy who had a difficult childhood. I have been working so hard trying to help him and reach out to him. I just came back from a meeting with the principal and found out he has not done most of his assignments this past semester. I know that this is his own fault, but why didn't I stay on top of him? Okay, granted I have been a bit occupied fighting leukemia, but haven't the last two years I have been his mother counted for anything? What have I failed to do in trying to get him to accept responsibilities?
So now I sit here, not as slim as I would like, feeling very middle aged and past my prime and wondering what the heck is going on with my life.
"Queen of Innocence""
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 206
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 31, 2005 - 02:04 pm: |
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Oh, honey, don't beat yourself up over this. You've been through so much lately you need to try and focus on what you have accomplished. You're getting better and that alone proves what a fighter you are.
Is the school going to let your nephew at least participate in the ceremony? I hope he gets his diploma or ged. My neice had some problems in school and didn't graduate. Her mom felt awful about it, too. But once my neice was ready, she went off to Job Corps, got her ged, some training, and has a good job now. It was a blessing to us all because we were all worried her. She just had to find her way.
You're a good person and I appreciate your humor and support here. I hope things settle down for you soon.  |
Highwayman
New member
Username: Highwayman
Post Number: 17
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 31, 2005 - 02:36 pm: |
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Isn't summer school an option? Then you will have 3 months to sit on him and monitor his progress. I assume that his other classes were fine, grade-wise...
Maybe you didn't see it coming because he hid it well from you...
You are a very fine person, Fanny. Your wit brings alot of sunshine here, and I'm sure it also does in realtime. And tomorrow is another day that you can take another step forward toward your goals.
*smooch
Alas, he was the Highwayman
The one who comes and goes
And only the Highway Woman
Keeps up with the likes of those...
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Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 382
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 31, 2005 - 02:38 pm: |
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Thanks Bethie, I just needed a shoulder to cry on.
No, my nephew cannot participate in any of the graduation week activities, including senior class all nighter or the prom. If he takes an English course at a community college this summer he will get his diploma mailed to him in August. It just makes me sad that he is missing out on the memories.
"Queen of Innocence""
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Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 383
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 31, 2005 - 02:47 pm: |
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You are absolutley right, Highwayman, as much as I tried to monitor him, a 17 year old boy can hide a lot. The rest of his grades are fine and he is taking honor classes. I think he just thought he could get away without doing his English assignments. You know the attitude "I have it all under control, everything is caught up" I think the reality is hitting him now, a bit too late though.
Thanks for the smooch, I appreciate it.
"Queen of Innocence""
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Bluepencil
New member
Username: Bluepencil
Post Number: 6
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Friday, June 03, 2005 - 06:41 am: |
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Hey Fanny, don't beat yourself up over this. I went through four children (2 biological and 2 steps) and will tell you from experience x 4 that you can't micromanage the kids' lives. At 17 he's old enough to realize there are consequences for actions (or inactions). If English is the only major problem, you should be giving yourself a pat on the back. |
Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 442
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Friday, June 03, 2005 - 08:01 am: |
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That is a better way of looking at the situation, Bluepencil. Thanks
"Queen of Innocence""
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Smartnnaughty
Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 104
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Friday, June 03, 2005 - 04:41 pm: |
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As women, we do seem to blame ourselves for stuff. I try to remember that it's the other person's life and they are responsible for it.
Easy to say, harder to do.
Sassy Sassy Sassy
No one can be as Sassy as me!
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Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 17
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 08, 2005 - 06:42 am: |
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hey !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a pity party..........
wonderful... i read that mess you wrote...and i am really disappointed in you... it's awful.. out of all that garbage i didn't find anything that i could call your fault... dam, you aint superwoman,,,, not houdini, nor the great dunninger {mind reader},,,,,the only thing i can find to heap insults and fault and guilt trips on your head is the fact that you are a mom and you care........shift yall,,,,,, i guess the pity party is cancelled.......
love you can not possibly tend to all the things you have assigned to yorself... a 17 year old kid is a full time job for any mother,,, and all the minor things like the leukemia take a back seat... kinda like unreasonable there......
back up ,,,sit down,,,,,,take a break,,,,, ease up on yourself.... quit beating yourself,,, that's my job as resident grouchy ole fart.
all you can possibly do is take care of yourself and give help when requested you can not force yourself or your ideas on anyone else,, including your children. he will survive, he did that to himself, not your fault.
sit down, unbutton your pants loosen your floppinstopper take a deeeeep breath, and tell the world that you are in time out ,,,,,,
no one will starve, all the tragadies and calamaties that you have assigned yourself to monitor will wait until you check your eyelids for cracks for a few minutes... these is orders kid. from the domhead,,err head dom... |
Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 491
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, June 09, 2005 - 07:15 am: |
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Yep, Bigfoot that was what it was, a pity party, all of my own. I do believe that it allowed on an occasional basis, so don't be disappointed in me. I am only human and carry all the emotions that come with that. I am also doing quite well with my "minor thing" of leukemia. I have refound my strength.
"Queen of Innocence""
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Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 24
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 11, 2005 - 12:02 am: |
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Yep, Bigfoot that was what it was, a pity party, all of my own. I do believe that it allowed on an occasional basis, so don't be disappointed in me. I am only human and carry all the emotions that come with that. I am also doing quite well with my "minor thing" of leukemia. I have refound my strength.
disappointed in you ????? not even a little bit. you are a brave and tough lady. keep on keeping on.... you have lots of new friends here and we are the best kind, we don't show up on your door step wanting to bum a cup of money. er, sugar. |
Fanny
Advanced Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 529
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 11, 2005 - 08:44 am: |
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Disappointed in me was your choice of words, Bigfoot, actually it was "and i am really disappointed in you... " (cut and paste)
No hard feelings though, you are right, I am a tough lady and I have found many new wonderful friends in this Den, and I hope I can consider you one of them.
"Queen of Innocence"
"oooooo", she says!!
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Biggirl
New member
Username: Biggirl
Post Number: 23
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 11, 2005 - 12:35 pm: |
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Fanny:
You are just being a good hearted female soul. That is something most men just don't get.
You weren't really pitying yourself. To me...if you were then you would have "held it in" Thats what I do. Instead you turned to where you know you will get an empathetic (sp?) "ear" (via the follow-up support), you gave yourself a release of some kind by just logging in & sharing your feelings. I think that is something lots of women do & it seems emotionally healthy to me.
Please don't stop sharing. A close male friend of mine told me that when his son was born with health problems it was the most humbling experience of his life so far. He said "I can fix anything....I can do great tatoos & even owns his own shop (I'm proud of him) but none of that matters when there is something going on with your kid. He said that the physical feeling of the emotions of being a parent in that context are emotionally overwhelming. Much more intense then he ever thought it would be.
Seems from what my mom friends have shared with me that when anything happens (negatively) to your kid that sometimes it is even harder on the parent then the kid themself. They describe it like......the negative thing happened to them, they want to comfort the physical or emotional wound anyway they possibly can (and really emotionally struggle), the seem to also want to really "protect" their kids from the sad feelings they are experiencing at the time. It is heartbreaking (to me) to listen to them discuss an event. The mom's heart is deeply wounded by the event, it seems to me, when we are sharing/chatting with each other.
That is what leads me to believe (again I am not a mom) that it is just a nature thing. Something inside a woman that literally intensely experiences a childs negative experience. So it seems to me if moms didn't talk to each other & their support group.....man that would be bad.
I think you were "getting the intense emotion out" & cudos to you for doing so is such a healthy way. You could have turned to the "food in the fridge" for comfort but you didn't. You got it out here. I am PROUD of you for that.
Those are my thoughts. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings Bigfoot....it was not my intention at all.
Brightest Blessings,BigGirl |
Fanny
Advanced Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 535
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 11, 2005 - 01:01 pm: |
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Thank you BG, you really hit the nail on the head. You are very insightful. Being a woman is a complicated fete. It sounds as if you are a wonderful friend and very understanding.
No-one is trying to hurt each others feelings, I think we are getting to know each other enough to know that all our words come from the heart.
"Queen of Innocence"
"oooooo", she says!!
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Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 26
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 11, 2005 - 04:00 pm: |
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most of the time when i try to post a message here i get a cannot find page error... grrrrr
biggirl,, my feelings are not hurt,thank you for careing,,, ms fanny figured out that i was being sarcastic in my post , and i was,, she is a tough lady and smart too, i know about leukemia,
ms fanny i am still trying to answer your email... hang on i am not ignoring you.. |
Biggirl
New member
Username: Biggirl
Post Number: 24
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 12, 2005 - 10:05 am: |
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Fanny:
Thank you so much for the wonderful compliment. I just have a way of being able to "feel" the emotions of others when we are sharing. Sometimes even with strangers. It happened once on the bus. Being overwhelmed with the intensity & enormity (sp?) of the mans emotional pain. It gave me a migraine type headache for a few days afterwards.
It is why I am considering going back to school for nursing. I have a kind of....something...that
I know would make me a great nurse. It is being able to manage my own empathic experiences that has held me back. I needed to "come into it" but now that I am older & more experienced I believe I could manage even a clinincal enviroment in the nursing profession.
When my Aunt Betty was in the hospital last weekend....she fell on her bad leg (25 year bone cancer surivor) again I was right there. The woman in the same room as her was a former nurse. (I LOVE how God/dess works) She didn't have visitors the times I was there. She would talk to me & she said "You wouldl make the most wonderful nurse....you have the natural human instinct (sp?). I got the shivers because I had been thinking of nursing school ever since I found out about Aunt Claudia's lung cancer.
Brought up the memories of helping my Uncle's die. (Both from smoking....I am smoking still) A couple of other "passings" I have been present for. Helping a few friends while the were in labor & delivery. I seem to have a "instinct" for that as well. The last time I was a doula it was at Magee women's hosp here in Pgh. It is the leading women's hospital for our area. My friend was a high risk delivery because of her pre-
gestational weight. DElivery day she was 311. (I am not saying that from meaness) She was an emotional pregnancy risk as well. Her Dr & I discussed that a week prior to the birth which he hadn't even been unaware she was under psychiatric care. Thankfully he was the delivery dr. Post delivery....he said that I was the best doula he had worked with in 20 years & if I wanted to become certified he would recommend me to his pts. I think that was a HUGE compliment. I have zero "academic" delivery training. I just do what I know needs done & it is one of those "empath things" that I don't know how I know just that I do. I actually avoided an ER Csection for her. Babys heart rate dropped almost instantly to almost nothing. Everyone in the room was "in the zone" & I just...I don't know....I just said "That will NOT be neccessary" We helped momma up on hands & knees & the heart rate shot right back up...I advised her to just breathe & not purposely push thru the next 2 contractions & then the Dr couldn't believe when she crowned. (They were still grabbing things to prep for the Csection) They didn't have the time to get the mirrors down & the bed in "properly per textbook" position & she was drawing her first breaths. So profound. I had forgotten the diffent appearance of birth blood. The vibrancy of its color surging with the energy of the divine lifeforce. It is completely different from the apperance of blood at any other time. I swear it is. Has anyone else ever noticed that?????????????????????
This happened 3 1/2 weeks after helping my Uncle Bill die. It was a amazing month for m spiritually. But it is also why the Dr's compliment fell upon deaf ears. I was reeling from the loss of my Uncle Bill.
But now....it is coming up on 2 years (next month) & I just "feel" it is what I am meant to do. To help. To give true comfort thru medicine, herbs & most importantly LOVE. To work in a hospice or preferrably home hospice nursing.. To help those present handle the experience of the "passing" To work also....somehow manage it..
so I can also doula. Asst souls enter & leave this releam. I feel as though I am being pulled.
Wow I just totally went into that chatty place that is so easy for me to to do.
Bigfoot: I am so relieved I did not offend. Email can be so tricky....things can read with a "tone" that was never intended. I try to be so careful.
Brightest Blessings,BigGirl |
Fanny
Advanced Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 547
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 12, 2005 - 11:24 am: |
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BG, thanks for sharing this with us. You are absolutely correct, the two most awe inspiring moments are at the first breath of life and the last. Being present at either of these two moments makes you understand the whole concept of the life force. You have the natural ability to understand the words that are not spoken along with the words that are, a rare gift. Go with your feelings, they always have a way of leading us down the path that fate has intended for us. Only someone as compassionate as you can truly be of help to those in need. Listen to your inner being, and you will never go wrong.
"Queen of Innocence"
"oooooo", she says!!
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Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 28
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 12, 2005 - 11:41 am: |
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Bigfoot: I am so relieved I did not offend. Email can be so tricky....things can read with a "tone" that was never intended. I try to be so careful.
don't worry about offending me love...... if you do you will know it by all the screaming,foot stomping,squalling and sniffling... that will go on, and besides that i will punish you by holding my breath until you turn blue... that will fix you.... so there.....
have a happy day. |
Jodima
Junior Spanko
Username: Jodima
Post Number: 58
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 12, 2005 - 02:39 pm: |
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Hang in there, Fanny. As others have said, take a break. This isn't your fault. *hugs* Be easy on yourself. |
Fanny
Advanced Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 550
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 12, 2005 - 03:34 pm: |
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Thanks, Jodima, I am doing quite well, but going easy on myself will never come easy. I am just too emotional. Excellent advise though!
"Queen of Innocence"
"oooooo", she says!!
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Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 29
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 12, 2005 - 08:25 pm: |
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Thanks, Jodima, I am doing quite well, but going easy on myself will never come easy. I am just too emotional. Excellent advise though
how about another approach....
it appears that going easy on yourself is not something that you wish to do at this point.. so..ok be tough on yourself but ,, look at all the circumstances and see just how much you control and how much you don't ........
a 17 year old has a mind of his own.. he chose not to do the homework in english.... did he tell you that he chose not to do it? i think not.. so beating yourself over that one is not reasonable... he chose... not you chose... he hid it from you... you don't get the credit for that one ... so scratch it off the list...
on to the next one.. i failed as a daughter... that's interesting,, i have one of those critters and i could not think of any way that she could fail as my daughter... so an explaination is in order so for the time being cross that one off your list too until you justify your idea of failure as a daughter..
next... i failed to keep myself healthy... hmmm ok just out of generosity on my part i will allow you to chastise,castigate,and beat yourself unmercifully on this one... no one i know of has ever met that goal... so you can have that one... did you see the movie airplane when the woman became hysterical and all the passengers lined up to chastize her? we are lining up for you..
next ,,,, the southbeach diet.... it is a failure to start with,,, if you follow it you will be unhealthy,,,, so failing that is a winning in your favor... so off the list it goes.
you have had the worlds best advice on eating habits on this den.....
so looking logically at all your failings.. we have your terrible,,, awful,, ugly failing to keep yourself healthy..... that's the only one that you deserve to keep.... hmmm
what ever will you do now.......
love,,,, i understand your position....i think i know why, i have been there, i found out and you will too that we are only responsible for those things that we can control...
you can not fail as a daughter you can only fail to measure up to your.. expectations, of you as a daughter, which probably are unreasonable anyway.....
you and yours raised your nephew as best you could.. he has a good mind and the key is he,,, chose to not pass english,,, he chose,,,
you can lament the conditions now but it is not something that you had direct control over.. it was his choice to make and he,, made it...
i have a friend whos then 14 year old daughter was molested by her now dead step father,,, now 20 years later she told her mother about it.. now mama is cursing and blameing herself for not knowing what her daughter deliberately hid from her..... not reasonable.....
Fanny:
You are just being a good hearted female soul. That is something most men just don't get.
biggirl.... this one does... |
Fanny
Advanced Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 555
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 12, 2005 - 09:39 pm: |
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Bigfoot,my pity party is over, it was a bad day and I have worked my way through it. It's done and I have regained control over my emotions.
I think it is safe to assume that you have never been a woman or a mother, so although you make very good points, you have't walked in those shoes. I am not lamenting, I have moved on since my original post on May 31st. I allowed myself a day of misery and posted in a forum I felt safe with opening up in. It is over, so we can let it go.
"Queen of Innocence"
"oooooo", she says!!
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Sdhrts
Junior Spanko
Username: Sdhrts
Post Number: 78
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, December 01, 2005 - 09:48 pm: |
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Not the end of the world hun, though it does seems like it. He'll be fine in his own time. Take care of your self, k? Prayers out to all of you.
Is IT Better To Give Than To Recieve?
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Katie_spades
New member
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 7
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 01:08 am: |
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Hang in there and try not to be too hard on yourself... then again, easier said than done.
So naughty
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Everyday Life