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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 592
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 11:40 am: | 
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NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third is even better. For those of you who may
have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!
They actually have a chili cook-off about the
time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You
will likely want to read this behind closed
doors because, if you are like me, you will be
howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children
I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great
kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
______________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible
to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch
is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at
the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. |
Nexus
New member
Username: Nexus
Post Number: 5
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 02:17 pm: |
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I'm partial to HOT chili myself...but not that hot.  |
Butterfly84
New member
Username: Butterfly84
Post Number: 50
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 08:26 pm: |
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I am just about dying reading this. My dad would so be judge number 1...he loves hot stuff. Me? I'm all about being able to, you know, TASTE stuff?! LOL, freaking hysterical though!
~*butterfly*~
Nobody suspects the butterfly...
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Buenaventura
New member
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 48
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 08:53 am: |
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Damn that was funny,I cried from laughing during parts of it.Coarse having lived in Guatemala and Mexico I got used to Chile peppers years ago but they have a few (like chile manzano)that everybody has to be careful with.Eating them raw is impossible but cooked in a sauce are pretty tasty. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1043
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 11:39 am: |
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MMMMMMM...hot chili and beer.
I could do that.
Easy.
VERY EASY.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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