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Badgirl
Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 364
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, May 26, 2007 - 05:00 pm: | 
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Ok, so you all know that me and mine are still pretty new and naive to this. I want him to take it further, but so far it's basically been just erotic spankings.
We had a really good talk about this yesterday, and we realized that neither of us knew why the Top was into it. :D
As a bottom, I like relinquishing the control, knowing someone cares enough to take responsibility for me.
But as a top, what's it about? My boyfriend feels like it's about needing to feel in control of me, to assert himself. And that makes him uncomfortable.
So to all you tops, or bottoms who can ask their tops, when your OTK for a naughty deed, what's the top thinking?
Thanks! |
Petergrimm
New member
Username: Petergrimm
Post Number: 9
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, May 26, 2007 - 08:37 pm: |
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Ok so this is my personal take and even that is a generalization.
For us spanking is purely erotic with no elements of discipline - we are D/s as well but spanking has never been used as discipline, punishment, or even in a "role play" discipline scene. (That is not to negate that activity in any way, simply to make clear that those issues are not in MY head during spanking activity.)
80% of my spanking occurs spontaneously - most often in the kitchen using anything at hand or my hand. It is rare that I can pass throught the kitchen when she is there without some sort of spanking going on. This is only a few swats at a time and is strictly playful - basically it is part of the power exchange driver that premeats our entire relationship, but it is mostly playing with her sexual response - keeping her aware of me - the promise of future activities - keeping her aroused - and of course telling her that I am aware of her and desire her as well. Basically it is a combination of keeping the D/s and the fires burning. Plus I just love making her react, dance, yelp and wiggle. Plus I love touching her and spanking is just another touch right? lol.
2) the other 20% is part of our sex-life. There the big turn on for me is the control of her reactions - sort of like playing a musical instrument - part of the challenge is to draw out of that instrument all it can give.
Spanking is just another tool for that purpose. In our case she will argue up down and across she is not masochistic, but it ain't true - at least not when aroused. Spanking, with the incredible range of sensation possible with various implements and intensity is good for matching the sensation to her current level of tolerance as that blossoms with her arousal. What starts out as submission to light spanking leads to arousal which leads to a strong sexual response to pain which leads to stronger spanking or more, and kablamo!
Apart from the control aspects, I am a little sadistic - I like pain myself and I like to share - I get off on her moans and whimpers partly because I can but partly because I like doing it.
And that leads to the final reason - despite her claims not to be masochistic, she does react strongly and does derive great pleasure and satisfaction from kinky sex. Over the years I have learned not to point this out after the fact; we blithly ignore the bruises and sore muscles and other evidences of her passions under duress so to speak. But the fact remains the best sex we have is strenuous, painful, and violent. And I love to please her. It is after all one of the principle rewards for her submission and service to me.
Oh! and did I meantion the great sex that I get out of all this? And you wanted to know what I'm thinking!
Regards,
Peter Grimm |
Badgirl
Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 372
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 28, 2007 - 02:29 pm: |
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Thanks Peter!! I'll make him read it tonight. |
Petergrimm
New member
Username: Petergrimm
Post Number: 12
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Monday, May 28, 2007 - 08:12 pm: |
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I noticed that while I attempted to answer your specific question, you refer to another issue in your original note – and that being the conflicted feelings of your top ***My boyfriend feels like it's about needing to feel in control of me, to assert himself. And that makes him uncomfortable. ***
There are many places on the net where these issues have been addressed, probably even here if one dug back in the archives, but I will give you my take on this.
I suspect your top is a kind caring sensitive guy – somebody with a moniker “badgirl” probably wouldn’t put up with anything else lol. He has probably been taught from birth to be PC – respect women, treat them as equals or better, hide the caveman impulses, generally not be a Dominant. Now comes along a smart, fun, independent, and strong woman who says “I would like to be dominated, can you oblige?” Well yes, love to, but got twenty or more years of preconditioning to deal with first.
Firstly, for many Dom’s, its not “feels like it’s about needing control” but IS about being IN control. Note we dropped the “feels” and “needing.” My basic personality is “take over, take charge, mentor, and protect”. I am not saying I do this well, just that is what I do for better or worse. I don’t think I am unique – a lot of Doms have a basic take-charge drive. So it helps if the pre-wiring is there.
Even if someone is not naturally “dominant” they have a brain; It is a state of mind that can be entered into as a role as easily as we all can act submissive – I myself switch and enjoy being a bottom occasionally (but would make a lousy submissive long term). How well that works and how happy that person is in that role will depend very much on the person. I know at least one top fairly well that is a “natural” submissive who Dommes quite proficiently because that is what her partner needs her to be!
For me as a Dominant I can act more in line with my impulses which are not as PC as they ought to be by today’s mores. Fortunately my wife is equally far out on the submissive side of normal so we make a great team. And that’s the first thing your BF needs to know – the two of you make a team even when in total D/s mode – He can only be Dominant if you are being submissive, and you can be submissive only if he is being Dominant. Anything else isn’t a team and it isn’t D/s but out of balance and dysfunctional. And My take is if it is in balance then it ain’t broke and is within the acceptable behavior my mommy taught me.
Note this can be a hot topic if some pure one-or-the-other gets their knickers in a knot and decides I have slighted their code by implying it take two to tango. So I’ll clarify I’m not saying the D/s have equal say or power, but they are balanced if things are going to work.
Second point is even more likely to get me flamed. You want him to top you. You are consenting to be topped. And I don’t think you plan on going so deep that you intend to or will lose the ability to revoke that consent. So while he may be a little concerned about letting the caveman out of the cave I am assuming you intend to retain enough self- identity (at least when not in a scene), to ensure things don’t get beyond what you are comfortable with overall. (Inside a scene, things can get pretty distorted which is why you both need to be comfortable with where this goes.) Keep in mind there are those whose stated intentions and even their reality is to become so enslaved as to not have the ability nor the will to say no. If this even interests you then the BF definitely does have cause for concern, and had best sort through this very carefully. If you do intend to retain some level of control – that of saying “no” or “stop” in some form, then you are consenting to his dominance and that certainly makes his actions easier to reconcile with what his mommy taught him.
Lastly, despite what you find all over the ’net, there is no “One Right Way.” Not mine, not bethie’s, not kaya’s (both of whom will agree) You need to find what works for you – blatantly steal ideas, pilfer scenes from the fantasies and stories you read, take what feels hot and toss what’s not. Try things and find your way. We found our way before there was an internet, with no idea there were terms and words for what we were doing, no knowledge of the immense variety of what is done, and definitely without any network of people to talk to. This certainly affected how we have come to be where we are, and how painful it was to get here. In that you are lucky this is all available now, but it also means pressure to be what others tell you you should be, and that can be a curse as much as the information is a blessing.
Regards,
Peter |
Rawhide
New member
Username: Rawhide
Post Number: 25
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, June 02, 2007 - 02:47 pm: |
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Badgirl,
Here is my take on what the top is thinking or at least what I think. It is very erotic for one, increases the sex life and is great for a role play. There are all kinds of role plays you can use. Stretch your imagination! I think it can be used for punishment but that falls into the category of a role play again. I never use it for punishment. Role play is my favorite and just fooling around like fore play is fun too.} |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3250
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 02, 2007 - 08:48 pm: |
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After Peter's very thorough explanation, I will only add that there are as many stories as there are couples.
I personally like to relinquish, but don't consider myself submissive, I guess because I am not one who is very compliant. It is all in the use of definition though. Any one of you will have a different definition for the words relinquish and submissive, as well as a tolerance for their use.
I read once that people who have more responsibility, are more likely to enjoy being in a "powerless" situation. Please read that word in a positive sense, I don't truly mean without any power, only letting someone else drive for a while. Spanking is a great power exchange and stress relief and I think it is pretty obvious that none of the bottoms who post here are wallflowers.
I am not into intense anything, I don't even like amusment parks, so it follows that I am not into intense spanking or sex. My husband enjoys the erotic aspect of spanking (even if it is considered a disciplinary spanking) and I admit that I do respond well to all aspects of being spanked. And yes there are just those times that I need it and no explanation is required.
I like to see someone I love enjoying themself and I believe that is true for the majority of people. Once you point that out to your boyfriend, maybe he can see that spanking to you is not about being controlled, just doing something that excites you.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Midnytedreams
New member
Username: Midnytedreams
Post Number: 29
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 05, 2007 - 12:43 pm: |
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As a Dom what is in it for me. I truely enjoy the knowledge that my little one trusts me with this part of her that desires disipline and only me. I give her what she needs and it is returned a hundred fold daily.opposites do atract and stay together happily. |
Badgirl
Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 391
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 06, 2007 - 06:31 pm: |
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Do you think I could just say "because I want/need you to" and we could leave it at that?
I didn't think so. |
Buenaventura
Advanced Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 663
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 06, 2007 - 10:10 pm: |
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Sure Badgirl!!We,re in constant dialogue and I came into this just liking to have a girl over my knee with her panties down and slapping her ass playfully mostly. Since then I,ve discovered a whole new world.For instance she likes more than any thing else to be verbally chastised and it took me a long time to get into it.For me it,s just sex but for her it,s much more and I,ve learned to give her what she needs and have started getting off on it. I find that as I sternly tell her why she,s getting spanked I,m getting more excited than with just the spanking.Go figure. |
Rawhide
New member
Username: Rawhide
Post Number: 26
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, June 07, 2007 - 12:03 am: |
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Great comments from everyone but we all have our own perspectives on what the top is thinking. I for one being the top like a woman over my knees and spanking her with her underwear down. But, over the years things have changed. My girlfriend and I would set up a role play and then act it out, some with great intensity and great sexual satisfaction! I would get wet spanking her and she would get so turned on that I had to put a towel on the floor to soak up the juices. The more I spanked her the hornier she got! Then we would switch (no pun intended!)to implements, some harsh, stingers, marks and a real red bottom! She would always try to pull away from me but I pulled her hand behind her back and crossed my leg over hers for no escape! She would wiggle, cry and scream to stop but I knew she did not mean it. She wanted more. We never have had to use a "safe word" because she can take so much! She loves the belt and the bruises. We never used spankings for punishment except for ONE time when she cheated on me and I gave her the belt with tremendous force and over 100 times! But, when I was done and she was crying I knew it was useless because she loved every minute of it! She had several orgasms during that spanking so it was a lost cause! I did not have sex with her for days and she promised not to cheat on me again. We never used that one for a role play either because it broke my heart.
I must say that there is a certain "Power" thing in spanking a woman. I just feel more in control of things as long as we understand each other. Plus, I know she wants to get spanked and often. We have a blast going into the toy store to find more painful and interesting implements to use.
Another thing is I think that 90% of the women I have spanked have been in higher authority jobs and are really stressed out and when they come home they want to be submissive than be in control like they have been all day long. Spanking to them is a GREAT stress reliever!
Erotic spankings are great for foreplay. I love doing them just for fun and the sex is out of this world! We would tease each other about an upcoming spanking not knowing whether she was going to get it or not. It is the excitement that builds up and the "Anticipation" if she gets spanked and of how I am going to do it. I get very creative in several different positions, tied up and spanked for instance is a turn on. Catching her off guard in the kitchen with a teasing wooden spoon to give a playful hint of what "might" come and it usually does. Once the spanking seed is planted it grows into a full blown spanking!
She was swearing up a storm one night on the way to a carnival and I got ticked off and spanked her bare ass naked behind a dumpster! We never made it to the carnival. We had to go home and do a wild, crazy spanking session!
So, there is the spontaneous spankings also that are turn ons.
So, Badgirl I guess if you want a spanking, just ask. You don't need a reason and your Dom should know you} well enough that you mean business!
I hope you enjoyed my point of view!
Regards,
Rawhide |
Blushingbride
Spanko
Username: Blushingbride
Post Number: 106
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 07, 2007 - 08:25 pm: |
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For my "vanilla" husband, he originally had no interest in this on his own. He was spanking me because I had asked him to, and the only thing he really enjoyed out of it was the way I reacted.
However over the last year or so, that has started to change. Now he says he enjoys the look, sounds, and feel of spanking me. He definitely enjoys the sex, as well as the stress-free me that is easier to live with. And he still loves the way I react to the spankings. He likes to change things up a lot, to hear me gasp and squeak, and wimper. He loves to surprise me with switching implements, how fast/slowly he spanks, how hard, etc. to get different sounds and movements out of me. (Sometimes I feel like he thinks he's a musician the way he talks about this.)
For my husband, control over me is not really a part of the equation, because that's not really his thing. Even when it's been more of a disciplinary spanking, it's been more about me letting go of what occurred.
And as an aside, he is definitely not vanilla any more by my standards, but doesn't feel ready to admit that in so many words just yet. I'd call him "Tin Roof Sundae" myself. (Vanilla with chocolate covered nuts) |
Badgirl
Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 394
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, June 07, 2007 - 11:34 pm: |
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Thanks everyone for your input and advice! It's funny -- I didn't think this would be so hard, but it really is.
And yes, I know the key is good communication, but I am tired of all the talking. It takes some of the fun out of it, you know.
It's funny. I started this thread as a result of a conversation we had had, mostly thinking it would help us. But he hasn't read any of them!!!
Grrr. 
He will though. Oh, he will. Even if I have to use the most powerful weapon at my disposal -- the pout! Right Shylah? |
Monkeymomsc1
New member
Username: Monkeymomsc1
Post Number: 9
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, June 17, 2007 - 09:51 am: |
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i'm going to email this thread to my hubby. i think all dom's should read this. thanks  |
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