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Bobbi_lynne
New member
Username: Bobbi_lynne
Post Number: 2
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 - 06:05 pm: | 
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I was engaged and we had discussed and agreed on a DD relationship. It was my suggestion and I was the sub. Well, 4 years into the relationship he became physically abusive. He had been emotionally and verbally abusive most to the relationship. That is why I had suggested DD, I would rather be physically disciplined than hollered at and verbally attacked if I did something wrong. This seemed to work better for about 2 years. He would still holler but he would also spank me when I deserved it. He stated after he physically hit me that he saw no difference in hitting me with the belt and popping me in the head. Well, his "popping" me in the head left me with a black eye on 2 occasions and a floater in one eye for several months. I moved two hours away. We are still on talking terms and he wants to work things out. You can imagine where my trust level is. He keeps promising it won't happen again... but for me 3 times was enough. All this explanation brings me to my true question. Is there a way explain to a partner that you would like a DD relationship and not have it become physically abusive? |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3150
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 - 07:09 pm: |
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I'm hate to be so blunt, but in my book, three times is three times too many. Your physical well being is not worth the risk.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Badgirl
Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 195
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 - 07:14 pm: |
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Wow. It sounds like you had a really rough time. I am so sorry. Congratulations on getting out of it as well as you did.
I can only speak for myself here, but there is a huge difference to me between a spanking and a beating. I never feel during a spanking that I am being abused. And I think that if I did, I would no longer trust the person doing the spanking.
For me spanking is a form of communication and erotica. Abuse is just the opposite.
I think that once someone is abusive, it is very hard for them to change. I leave open the possibility, with therapy and a lot of hard work, but a promise to be different just isn't good enough.
Abuse is about domination, causing pain, and uncontrolled anger. Once he learns to deal with all that, maybe there could be chance, but that's a big maybe.
As for your question, you shouldn't have to explain to your partner the difference between DD and abuse. I think if he doesn't see the difference between consensual and not, there's no way to make it work.
If I can be so bold as to give you some advice, admittedly, without knowing you well enough to do so, walk away while you can. This time it was a black eye. Next time it might be a broken nose, arm, leg or worse. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you enough to want to make sure that he doesn't hurt you. You deserve better.
Sorry if this was strongly worded, but I worry. Type A and all. |
Bobbi_lynne
New member
Username: Bobbi_lynne
Post Number: 3
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 - 07:39 pm: |
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I posted this question here because it is not a question I can ask of someone who does not understand the desire to be spanked. I feel I somehow "gave" him permisssion to hit and he just took to further then I meant. The uncontrolled anger and control issues are right on the money though. |
Blushingbride
Junior Spanko
Username: Blushingbride
Post Number: 79
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 - 08:17 pm: |
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No, you gave him permission to SPANK you, not to hit you. You did not make him do this, he decided to do this. Your desire to be spanked is his way of justifying it to himself and to you, but that does not make it accurate in any way.
Similar to what badgirl said, spanking is about communication and respect, but giving you a black eye on multiple occasions has nothing to do with either thing.
In my opinion, spanking and DD work beause both partner are aware of the dynamics of trust, and that both have agreed to the parameters of the situation. It works because one is submitting to the other, of their own free will but with the full knowledge that the submission could (and should) be revoked at any time if anything gets beyond when the sub is willing to deal with. From what you wrote, had you tried to stop a spanking in the middle of it for some reason (injury, needing to pee, just too intense, etc) he wouldn't have complied.
It appears from what you have written that while you understand this, he doesn't and possibly never did. I applaud you for getting out, and would encourage you to keep walking away.
As for your original question about if it is possible to have a DD relationship without it becomming abusive, many of us do live in exactly that kind of relationship. But with this particular individual, who has already been abusive, I highly doubt that it would be possible. I wish you much luck and strength in a difficult situation, but hope that for your safety you stay away from this abusive man.
Hopefully next time you will find a man that understands the difference between DD and abuse and cares enough for you to respect your limits. |
Downunder
New member
Username: Downunder
Post Number: 5
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 - 09:39 pm: |
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Sorry to hear that your relationship has turned to abuse, because that is what is happening. Spanking between two consenting people should involve RESPECT, TRUST & communication. Any person that hits another the way he has hit you, shows he does not respect you.In answer to your question about having a DD relationship without abuse. The only way I can think of is to communicate honestly with each other of your needs. Best of luck in whatever happens in the future & I hope you find the person you are looking for ... hugs |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1389
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 10, 2007 - 01:02 am: |
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You stated, "He had been emotionally and verbally abusive most to the relationship. That is why I had suggested DD, I would rather be physically disciplined than hollered at and verbally attacked if I did something wrong."
I hate to sound harsh, but you should never have entered into a DD relationship with someone who had the tendency to be abusive. Domestic discipline involves love, trust, and respect, and it's a two-way street. An abusive person does not feel those emotions for their victims.
More importantly, you cannot replace abuse with spanking and call it discipline! He said he saw no difference between the two so he was definitely the wrong man to have a DD relationship with; he didn't "get" it. Those ugly emotions that cause someone to abuse cannot be disguised as caring discipline. He might want to call it that in order to continue the relationship and make it acceptable in your mind, but it simply isn't true.
I've been in DD relationships and all discipline was given with love and genuine concern for me. It wasn't something I feared because I trusted my partner completely and I never felt abused in any way whatsoever.
The bottom line is that there is no room in a DD relationship for abuse and if a relationship deteriorates to the point of abuse, you need to get out immediately. A dominant man is not the same thing as a bully, remember that when you're searching for someone new. I really hope you stay away from your ex and find someone who can truly care for you the way you deserve.  |
Zin
New member
Username: Zin
Post Number: 16
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 10, 2007 - 01:10 am: |
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Unfortunately, abusive is abusive no matter what form it takes. The best way I can describe it is that there is a difference between hurting someone and injuring them as well as wanting to cause physical pain and wanting to cause injury. Any injury, whether emotional or physical, is wrong. He needed help, and it's just a sad fact that you will never be able to help him by being his punching bag. In DD relationships, the spanker either wants to correct bad behavior or to provide arousal to him/herself and his/her partner. Either way, he/she wants the best for his/her partner. He wanted to hurt you, and that is never right. Good luck. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1757
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 10, 2007 - 03:26 am: |
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First of all Bobbie, bless you for having the courage to get away from that situation.
I was in an abusive marriage for 30 years. I got out just 6 years ago. It was never a DD relationship. It was all about control, abuse and keeping me brainwashed...sometimes it was physical and sometimes it was mental. If something wasn't his idea of what I should be thinking, something I should be doing that was HIS idea of having fun, then I didn't think or do it. I could only have friends he wanted me to have...and those were very few. I could only see my family if it was something to make it look like we were the perfect couple with children. I lived with black eyes, bruised ribs, broken jaw, broken nose...etc. Each time someone saw these...it was always put down to me being "clumsy".
It was all about control...his desire to inflit pain and justify it because in his mind it was always something I did to "make" him do it.
Well, I got away from all that. He tried several times to get me to go back. Promises to stop...promises to be better...emotional blackmail (i.e. I'm gona kill myself)...now that was a promise I could have lived with. He finally stopped that when I told him to please go ahead and do it. I ceased all communication eventually. I saw no reason to keep listening to it. It was done and over with. Kids were all raised and on their own so no reason at all. I had no obligations to him.
I met another man that shares my love of spanking. He's kind, considerate and only spanks. NEVER in a million years would he ever think of hitting me outright or trying to control me. I am free to be ME. I think what I want to think, can talk, walk, laugh, and I can do what I please. If it's someting he isn't interested in that's fine cos he does things I'm not interested in. I can go to my little craft room and paint or sew and he can go to his workshop and play with his saws and stuff and we are fine. We talk and have long conversations. We agree to disagree.
So you take what time you need to put this relationship behind you and find that man that will be what you desire. Because he IS OUT THERE. You just haven't found each other yet.
That person is not the right one for you. Not now, not later. It won't get better. He can promise you the moon but it will always be that way. He justifies it in his mind and you can't get in there.
You walked away so stay away.
If you want to talk more either here or you can PM me and we can talk privately. It's not like there is a support group you can go to for abused spankos like the alcoholics and victims of abuse can go to.
Stay strong and STAY AWAY.
Stay alive.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Bobbi_lynne
New member
Username: Bobbi_lynne
Post Number: 4
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 10, 2007 - 07:54 am: |
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Thank you to everyone that posted. What has been said are things that I have come to realise since being out but it is great encouragaement to read what I thought being reafirmed. I have had moments when I feel it would be easier to go back then to continue to struggle on my own where I am but now when that weakness creeps in I can just re-read the above. Thank you all for your encouragement and caring. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1762
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 10, 2007 - 01:07 pm: |
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Just remember Bobbi...we are here for you if you need us.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Brennarose
New member
Username: Brennarose
Post Number: 8
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, April 22, 2007 - 10:49 am: |
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I, also, was in an emotionally abusive marriage. And I agree, the screaming and yelling are worse than being physically corrected. However, I know that all these people are also right. DD is not about any kind of abuse. My new husband and I are in this type of relationship and I have never seen my husband lose control of his temper ever. He never spanks me because he just wants to hurt me. He does spank for fun sometimes and for discipline at other times. He does not demean me verbally or physically and he is always caring and supportive. I learned from him what it is like to have someone really put you and your best interests first. I applaud your courage to walk away and I wish for you to find someone special to share this part of your life with. It is worth the wait! |
Tmichellebrat
Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 146
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, April 30, 2007 - 02:22 pm: |
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Bobbi...
All the ladies here are right on the money. What he has done to you is ABUSE you. I was in a very abusive DD relationship for ten years ...it's not worth the pain that I have had to deal with years later and I am still dealing with alot of that pain...I applaud you for getting out as soon as you did. I am now in a healthy DD relationship with a wonderful man so it's possible to find that special someone who will respect you enough to not abuse you. Good luck to you. |
Spankette
New member
Username: Spankette
Post Number: 8
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 01, 2007 - 03:37 pm: |
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Bobbie, you have had some very wise counsel from the ladies here.
However, I know how hard the emotional pull and what is perceived as loneliness can be to deal with.
You will have times when you fall of the wagon and cry, bemoaning your alone-ness. This is normal. You are grieving something you THOUGHT you had. This is just as hard as grieving a death or other loss. I have learned this from experience. Well, I am still learning this, to be honest. It's very difficult. Your top priority is to take care of yourself right now. Whatever you need to nurture yourself, do your best to give it to yourself. Rebuild your strength and self esteem.
Don't EVER let ANYONE hit you. Spanking is an entirely different thing.
Don't EVER let ANYONE degrade you or emotionally abuse you. A scolding with a spanking is another entirely different thing.
You do not deserve either of the above, not for one minute. You must prize yourself before someone else will prize you.
You and I can both hope that there is someone out there for us.
Be strong. |
Monkeymomsc1
New member
Username: Monkeymomsc1
Post Number: 17
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, June 23, 2007 - 11:01 am: |
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my 2 cents worth: there is no need to be on speaking terms with this mean hearted monster. you need to cut all ties as fast as possible.
spanking is loving, damage to your body for months at a time, or to your mind is UNFORGIVABLE! you can be safe and spanked. but NOT WITH HIM! |
Csheriff
New member
Username: Csheriff
Post Number: 6
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, June 24, 2007 - 05:01 am: |
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I totally agree with Monkeymomsc1 this Guy is not a spankophile. We and I hope I'm speaking for all here, know the difference between a loving spanking or a spanking for dicipline. But anyone that strikes a partner leaving a black eye or bruise is sick and has a seriouse problem. Don't ever let this be Your problem again. Take some time get over Him and find yourself again. Once You feel good about Yourself and remember who You realy are. You can find a good guy with a spanking fetish. Heres a little secret. A lot of guys have spanking fetish and never find a like partner. When they do and you make Their fantacy life come true, You will be the queen of Their world, and will treated as such. As it should be!
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