| Author |
Message |
    
Lisamarie
New member
Username: Lisamarie
Post Number: 2
Registered: 07-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 05:49 pm: | 
|
I do not even know how to begin...I have looked for someone who understands my choice of lifestyle for a long time. They seem to start off that way but then become submissive to me. I am a supervisor for a trucking company so I deal with having to be on top of my job. But, my husband says my requests are perverted and he goes back to sleep on the lazy boy. Can someone please give me some advise without critisim...is a real problem for me. |
Naughtypants
New member
Username: Naughtypants
Post Number: 19
Registered: 06-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 - 11:08 pm: |
|
Is your question whether or not you should stay with vanilla as you stated in your subject line? Or some constructive advice on how to obtain what you want? |
Lisamarie
New member
Username: Lisamarie
Post Number: 3
Registered: 07-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 04:57 pm: |
|
The latter please Naughtypants |
Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 1391
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 06:24 pm: |
|
"my husband says my requests are perverted and he goes back to sleep on the lazy boy"
Hi Lisa....I put your quote on top because this is what I wanted to talk about. **Don't worry, no criticism**. If you were to glance thru some of the older posts here in the den, you will see that MANY people have addressed the issue of getting a husband/partner to either spank them in fun, or for discipline. The common response by most of us is....communication, communication, communication. This could be face to face, an email, a letter....etc...But I think the difference here might lie in the attitude or belief of the vanilla. Your hubby sees your request as "perverted", and this is unfortunate. Is there a possibility of having a serious discussion about this topic with him...say...sitting at the kitchen table (not when he is in the Lazy Boy)? Maybe you could tell him how important this is to you, how it would make you feel...things along that line.
This is a very sensitive topic, and I can understand your frustration. Maybe you are giving your husband TOO much information about wanting to be a sub....how about starting with playful spankings and go from there?
Good luck...and keep us posted! 
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
|
Petergrimm
New member
Username: Petergrimm
Post Number: 40
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 10:52 pm: |
|
Firstly Following Pinkcheek's suggestion, there are also some threads on what's in it for him, and also on why it is OK to do some of these things that in other context would not be acceptable.
Secondly I expect you are exploring the den and know where your needs fall in the range of what some of us get up to... On the one hand it sounds as if you do have some experience and have been aware of what you what for some time, yet on the other hand it sounds like you are in a strictly vanilla marriage. Is this an awakening thing for you since you have been married or a longer term thing that you tried to live without and now question that decision? Is what you want well defined or are you still feeling your way? Sometimes it is hard to discuss these things with a partner if it is not even clear in one's own head!
Finally, in relationships, there is vanilla like the filling in a vanilla Twinky and then there is vanilla like Creamy French Vanilla Capachino. Personally I get up to Butterscotch on a good day, some here are into Rich Dark Chocolate 24/7... You don't say what your requests are, but can you get any of your lifestyle needs met? Like, are you at Creamy French vanilla and want Butterscotch or at Twinky vanilla and just want Creamy French? Perhaps it is more a question of limits of how far he will go or is there no give at all? Do you think what you are asking for is being rejected as "perverted" from the view of exceeding a limit or simple disinterest in anything but Twinky vanilla??
Lots of questions and no answers for you!
Answer only if you are comfortable, but it is hard to give much useful advice (worth every cent you pay by the way) without knowing the situation better.
Regards,
Peter Grimm |
Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 1393
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Friday, July 13, 2007 - 06:41 am: |
|
wow Peter.....your response was simply DELICIOUS!!
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
|
Lilsoresub
New member
Username: Lilsoresub
Post Number: 24
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 09:18 am: |
|
hello Lisamarie. I am in a similiar situation as yourself. Back in June I posted I needed advise here in the Den, and the advise helped me a great deal(it is in the archives jan- jun 2007 under caption Advise Needed.) The advise helped me to get started mostly in the area of communication with my husband (as vanilla as they get) of 21 yrs. I found it was better for me to get all out in a letter and give it to him so no thoughts that I wanted to express would escape my mind. So I did it. I explained that I wanted and desired for a long time an erotic spanking. I wrote about how he would be the only one I could trust and would want to do this and that no other would be able to fill this desire for me. I tried hard not to come off as if he had not given me what I desired or needed for all the previous years we were married. I did a great letter to him. I explained how a spanking would make me feel all my very personal details and included my favorite spanking story I wrote in the Den. My biggest fear was as you explained him coming back with your a pervert. Any ways he read the letter and smiled and said that he really liked my letter (the first time I wrote anything to him in this matter.) Unfortunately no action has happened to date; however, thus far our communications have improved dramatically.
You did not mention what kind/ type of spankings you are really tring to obtain. Be it DD or erotic. For me I wanted any type to begin and really desire a more DD lifestyle. I read all the advise and did my research. I found many good articles from googling Taken in hand and DD.
For me I found that taking baby steps and being patient (not to reveal all my research/ desires etc at once but a little at a time) has its benefits. So to date, I have taken steps to reconnect with my husband in a different way. I try to communicate better all my thoughts on a daily basis. The first thing I did was to improve my own communications and his naturally followed. The second thing I did was try and work on my ownself for example, my attitude. I killed him with sweetness. I began to be more sweeter and even more domestic on my own. After just a few months he is more domineering in the way he expects the sweetness now and for dinner to be started. Although i have not yet obtained that spanking, our intimacy improved a great deal. As well as our communication.
Lastly, we had a house full all summer with college kids home from school daughter and her friend that stayed with us. Plus the younger kids are always around with friends during the summer as well as my mother in law. That is ending this week. Mother in law is on her way home and kids go back to school soon. Any ways I am going to reintroduce my first letter and move towards getting that first spanking. Previously if you would have asked me I would say that I had no hope in achieving my desire; however, today I have my hopes up and I am sure he will oblige me sooner or later. I want it to be on his terms and time. I believe he will oblige me because of the way I went about getting him to spank me by being patient and communicating in an effective way. I dream of the day to post my success and feel fairly confident that it will come. My first move after having him read my letter again will be when he is sitting in a chair is to lay myself over his lap and tell him i just want to know how it feels to be in this position. I plan to have a short skirt and no panties on. I know I have his mind thinking he has a couple of time swatted my butt when I was doing my domestic chores. He had never done that before. I have been carefull as to not get my expectations to high but I have resolved to take baby steps and lay the proper ground work for him to initiate a spanking on his own. I hope this helps and keep trying the communication. We'll get there. I to get very frustrated at times but I readjust my own attitude and kill him with sweetness. I am surprise but I feel it is really working. I have not obtained that first spanking but it is coming I am sure. Please keep me posted on your progress let me know if you find a technique that worked for you. It sounds if we may be in the same boat. |
Buenaventura
Advanced Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 736
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 10:07 am: |
|
You,re a very intelligent woman and I,m sure you,ll get what you want.Most women would just be complaining and thinking of changing partners.I think you,ve written a manual for spankees living with vanillas. |
Lilsoresub
New member
Username: Lilsoresub
Post Number: 25
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 11:24 am: |
|
After thinking more on the subject, I wanted to add a tid bit that also helped me. In my research I found that articles on submission, being a submissive woman, and ways of getting in touch with my more feminine side is what made the most difference and gave me the wording to more effectively communicate with my hubby. It is true I feel very frustrated when I get no acknowledgement not even "good girl" and it has not been perfect; however, it is true working on myself, my attitude and behaviors, towards being more submissive has made a profound effect in the way my hubby has been thinking in regards to ME lately.
Buena, your too kind. But I do have to mention that I was not so intellegent as to not being able to communicate with my hubby for nearly 20 yrs. Yes I write stories, ariticles, and other material very well for an accountant. Also, complaining and changing partners has never done me any good. As Peter (in which I appreciate any advise from) asked Lisamarie in the above comment if she is still feeling her way? For me I had at this time felt my way it just took soooooooo long. When I found this group and gotten the advise I did it just came together for me. I sooooooooo appreciate all the advise I received and want to extend a special thanks to Bethie for her work on this site and her blog. I hope soon to have the experience to win one of her contest I really want one of those implements. Y'all are the BEST. |
Bratattitude
Spanko
Username: Bratattitude
Post Number: 105
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 01:11 pm: |
|
I think everyone here has said what i will back up -- figure out what/where you are at, decide what level you want to get to and if it can be obtainable with yoru current partner.
I am now off in search of something creamy and frosty thanks to Peter!!!  |
Cherrybrewer
New member
Username: Cherrybrewer
Post Number: 22
Registered: 07-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 05:05 pm: |
|
Hi Lisamarie...
I can't help in the area of the spankings and communication. BUT... (finally!!) There is something I can tell you, maybe something that may be an issue for him.
I used to feel the same way…I felt this was perverted. I couldn’t understand why someone wanted to be “spanked” A grown woman, I didn’t get it AT ALL!
However…what I had come to find out, wasn’t that the lifestyle or the activity was perverted or even distasteful. It was how I felt about myself… I felt that it made me weird. That it made me a person by “social conditioning,” a bad person... After all, women are equal to men, they were in no way to submit to men. In fact, we (men) are supposed to give them a “pass” even if not deserved… That hitting a woman made me an abuser, a mean, uncaring, selfish bastard; that I had been trained my entire life NOT TO BE! These people (that hit each other) were to be prosecuted and taught that hitting was never acceptable. I spent many hours in psych classes learning what damage is done to someone that is hit and abused. For the longest time, I felt SHE was weird and perverted, and all the time it was projected feelings, sideways anger and frustration… Before I worked out those issues I HAD, it made no sense to me.
Don’t give up, PLEASE!! I would like to believe, that you can explain to him, in some way, or have someone else, to help him understand. It may be similar to me and how I felt, maybe not... Think about what you have to lose, and what you have to gain…
Many here are very wise and experienced. I think they can tell you I have been struggling with this issue since I have come to UNDERSTAND it better. Now, I want so much to be a part of it.
(Message edited by fanny on August 08, 2007)
Dreams are born in the heart,
Limits are only there because of your mind...
|
Cherrybrewer
New member
Username: Cherrybrewer
Post Number: 23
Registered: 07-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 09:52 pm: |
|
Lisamarie…
Maybe I can explain a little more about how the “vanilla” perspective thinks, or worked in my case.
The thought, idea or suggestion of my mate offering up her derriere to me, in any way, be it clothed, nude or otherwise, was great… Then, if she were to ask me to massage her back side, WOW! Home Run!! Most men love the idea of checking out the rear. I’ll bet these same things appeal to him as well. Seeing you…your back side; in a provocative, seductive, intimate manner, would be totally arousing…
Now…this switch is flipped in my/our minds…
My lady wants me to hit her… You say to us, “I would like you to spank me…” But, what happens, what we hear, even though you didn’t say it, she wants me to “hit her” Not just hit her, but “HIT HER!” Not a smack, but continue hitting her…until she is red, squirming and then, MAKE HER CRY…
Can you image…what goes through a “vanilla” mans head, when he loves the woman he is with, tries to provide and care for her (in the way society teaches…), love her in a gentle caring way, and something happens, in normal life, and he makes her cry… Forgetting an anniversary… Saying something derogatory or insulting about clothes, cooking, or family… She gets upset, her eyes well up, and tears begin to fall… What happens is we feel so bad for HURTING you… It’s the last thing we ever want to do, is hurt you… We think of love as Protecting! Holding you, and making sure the bills are paid… Looking after things like insurance, the car, and Christmas. To us, loving and caring for you is a gentle thing, not a violent (in our mind…), scolding occurrence... When there is an issue or a problem, we want to “talk about it…” so it doesn’t happen again. The idea of “giving you what you have coming…” is totally foreign. The idea of you getting aroused by us being “mean” (once again, in our mind…) to you, short circuits our idea of intimacy…
Now, take it a level deeper… “she wants me to hit her…not just with my hand…but now, with a board…AND… a stick!?” OH MY GOD!!! I know they are implements… A paddle, and a cane…that’s the name that is used to describe them…but to us, It is…a board and a stick… ”…WEAPONS…” It’s all semantics…and what ever you want to call them; it doesn’t matter… To us, they are what they are…a board and a stick. She wants me to hit her, with a board and a stick…repeatedly… What happens when you swat a fly? What happens when you smack a mosquito?? Although it is different, the idea is the same (to us…) you hurt, even kill, what you swat, smack, or hit… To us this is not intimate, it is violent…
But…all of this…this way of thinking…is born from ignorance, and can be changed… I apologize for going on so long… I could have gone ever deeper… But I hope this explains a little about “us…” The guys that spank, may not understand why we think the way we do… You act and think, what you are taught… An old dog can learn new tricks. I did…
I will keep my fingers crossed for you!
Dreams are born in the heart,
Limits are only there because of your mind...
|
Diamondgal
New member
Username: Diamondgal
Post Number: 8
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 10:14 pm: |
|
PeterGrimm - you are making me very hungry!!! |
Lilsoresub
New member
Username: Lilsoresub
Post Number: 29
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, August 05, 2007 - 08:21 am: |
|
Cherrybrewer, I have to say that your post was very helpful to me. I never thought of those feelings my man could have. And you probably hit upon a good stumbling block for him and me. So I have to ask If I may...... How was it you discovered the issue, worked thru the issue, and what was the one trigger that brought it all together for you to overcome society's conditioning? You did give a good example with the back massage. I'm in the stage where I have told him what I would want now I'd love all the ideas that will as you so put it ..... Flip the switch in his mind. Thank You for your insight. It is exactly the type of experience I need to hear. |
Cherrybrewer
New member
Username: Cherrybrewer
Post Number: 24
Registered: 07-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, August 05, 2007 - 03:54 pm: |
|
Hi Lilsoresub...
I can't talk about it here in this post, can I? Isn't that hijacking? Forgive me, I just don't want to step on any toes, or break any "RULES" Bethie knows, I've done enough of that already... To quote someone here, that is very wise and to darn quiet, my advise is "worth what you paid..." But I would be happy to elaborate on our skewed way of understanding/thinking anytime, anywhere.
Let me know, guys/girls if you are interested...
Cherry (now you know why I picked that nickname...)
Dreams are born in the heart,
Limits are only there because of your mind...
|
Lilsoresub
New member
Username: Lilsoresub
Post Number: 30
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, August 05, 2007 - 05:09 pm: |
|
Hello Cherry... I'm sorry I really did not try to start a hijacking.... I'm new to this. I would never/ or assist anyone in breaking RULES nor stepping on toes. So shall I start a new trend... "Elaborate Please?" This girl is interested. |
Cherrybrewer
New member
Username: Cherrybrewer
Post Number: 25
Registered: 07-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, August 05, 2007 - 08:32 pm: |
|
Lisamarie...
May I ask how, and what you asked for?
Maybe I can offer up a reactionary thought or feeling that he may have had, like I did. Maybe we can offer possible ways of addressing his feelings or fears (does this seem to personal?).
I feel weird saying that… The way I think now, is completely different from the way I felt before.
Everyone here will tell you over and over that communication is key in this lifestyle; the most important thing. However, if you don’t get inside the boundaries of that “protective” wall that shot up, the second his ears, heard what his mind said (not what you said), the communication stopped. His mind shut down, and the negative seed was planted. It will grow… I promise you. He will look at you different; he will wonder things; and all of the years that you two spent, building trust and love…can be torn apart by just ten minutes of suspicion. His mind will start to twist things and try to protect him from being “bad.” He wants to be immune from being someone unacceptable (once again, in his mind).
Communication is a two way street. It requires listening, thinking, feeling, and responding…from both parties. He is shutting down…you have to find a way to keep that from happening.
Am I going to far here? My intention is not to scare you or cause anyone to stop working towards their goals. This is just a little bit of how a vanillas mind (not all, I’m sure…) can start to twist things. But, you can stop it. You just have to find that one little thing that makes his ears begin to listen to YOU again. Lilsoresub found a way in…at least she has started to get to a point to where he is listening to her.
But, he is still scared… The reason I know he is scared, is because I am… He has never done it for her because even if she tells him what she wants, he has no idea how to DO what she wants…
I can elaborate on this issue as well, if you wish
From a vanilla… Cherry (hint)…
Dreams are born in the heart,
Limits are only there because of your mind...
|
|
Spanking Discussion Area