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Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 167
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 21, 2007 - 12:41 pm: | 
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I am not sure if this is the proper place to post this question for some advice but I think it is, and since I haven't posted in awhile I am not sure if I will even get responses but I am going to try.
My boyfriend and I have been living togather for five months now and things are great with us EXCEPT for sex. We have had our fun with erotic spanking and lots of playing around with toys and stuff like that but no sexual intercourse 
I was very aware of this before we even got togather and I thought I could handle not having sexual intercourse at all. He is older than me and has issues with sex, physical ones.
It's not even about the sex, it's more about what I tie the sex into. It's about how I want to feel loved, wanted, and needed that is really bothering me. I have weight issues and I feel that if I were "thin", then we would be having sexual intercourse.
I am in the process of losing weight and I am so obsessed with losing the weight that I have reverted to diet pills, and some unhealthy ways to lose it My self-esteem , and self-confidence is not that great (due to an abusive past relationship) , so this is taking it's toll on me emotionally
I am embarrassed that I even feel physically attracted to my boyfriend, and that is because of how I was raised therefore I can't even communicate my feelings to him about this and that makes him feel terrible especially when he sees me crying and I won't communicate why I am!
I tend to withdraw from him at night in bed alot, and turn over and cry myself to sleep, I do this about three nights a week and I know it frustrates him, and it bothers me I feel somewhat a little angry towards him as well but like I said I knew about his physical sexual problems coming into the relationship so I really have no right being angry towards him.
I guess I just don't believe that he has sexual problems, I believe it's more because of my weight because he did tell me that he is NOT physically attracted to me but what he fell in love with was my personality, genuine kindness, and spirit, and because I love him!
It's all very complicated and it's taking it's toll on our relationship and my emotional health. Can anyone offer any advice on how I can deal with this? I have tried to just accept the fact that we will never have sexual intercourse but when I think about it I end up crying and I know it's because I want to feel that connection with him, and feel loved by him and sexual intercourse is the way to feel that close intimacy that every couple has. I do love him very much so leaving him is NOT an option, I just would like some advice on how I could deal with this and as a whole be happy in the relationship! Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!
Note: We have a very good spanking relationship, and no problems there. We lead a D/s , with a combination of DD lifestyle! When I need disciplined I get it, and I also get the good girl spankings as well, so no complaints in this department! |
Petergrimm
Spanko
Username: Petergrimm
Post Number: 62
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, October 21, 2007 - 07:09 pm: |
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Whew! You are right it is all very complicated - too complicated for quick answers.
It seems to me you need to work through some major issues of your own with someone with experience helping people with these sorts of things. Then there are some issues with your partner and your relationship... The good news is the hardest part is already in hand - you have started trying to do something about it and it seems all the parties have good intensions and will support you.
Have you ever considered talking to a professional counselor? They do have a lot of experience with the sorts of issues you mention - you are definitely not alone feeling as you do!
One concern I have reading your note is the implicit equation that sex = intercourse. Sex and sexually satisfaction does not have to mean intercourse - and it seems you are missing the non-intercourse part. There is no "physical" reason he can not provide the "want to feel loved, wanted, and needed" part. That part is missing due to mental and emotional barriers which may be all on his side, or entirely on your side, or a combination of both.
I am sure this situation would be a whole lot better if there was free and easy communications between you but from your note that is obviously a difficult thing for you. Some strategies for communication that have worked for others:
- 1) Maintain a private journal where you write down FOR YOURSELF things you feel, why you feel that way and what you would like to say to other people involved if you could. This helps get a handle on things and helps clarify issues. It also develops your communication skills - kind of "practice" without risk.
-2) Write notes to him - not deep soul searing notes but little light-weight things - compliment things he did you liked, tell him what you are thinking, and tell him how you would have liked to have done something. Gently push your limits on telling him your feelings but don't try to bare it all. The point is to get a flow of notes going then as confidence is gained by how he receives these notes you may be able to open up more.
One other thought I had that works for some D/s couples is to ask for his help on the weight issue by tying it into the D/s dynamic. Will he help support a healthy weight loss regime for you by adding D/s or DD elements to add incentive and augment your own willpower?
Hang in there. I really feel for you but it is not clear how to help. |
Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 168
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 21, 2007 - 08:54 pm: |
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Hi Petergrimm,
Thanks for your advice on communication. I do have lots of issues with communication and it's due to my past and I am trying to work on that but your advice helps.
I have been to a professional counselor but stopped in the middle of therapy because of finances, it did help me alot and I am thinking about starting up again since my fiances are back on track now.
He has been kind of helping me on the weight issues by using DD BUT he is not consistent with it which just frustrates the heck out of me I know I must communicate this to him but it's hard for me!
I think our age difference is some of the problem to why I have a hard time with communication. It's a little intimidating! He is 59 and I am 33. I love him so much that I am willing to do anything to get help with this.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post and thanks for the advice, I will definantly take it!! |
O4mstrsnee
New member
Username: O4mstrsnee
Post Number: 41
Registered: 08-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, October 21, 2007 - 10:24 pm: |
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hi Tmichellebrat. I have a problem with something you wrote in the opening post. He told you he is not attracted to you, then in the next breath says he loves you. I feel you are both in need of a counselor. He should be building you up and you should know you are worthy of love. I was in a may september romance for twenty years. There are many activities you can engage in to show you are loved, cuddeling and kissing. Believe in yourself and in your relationship. One other word of advise, the bodies we wear are only a vessel the real you is in your heart and soul.Be happy with yourself, which I know is not easy the rest should follow. Good luck to both of you |
Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 170
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - 02:07 pm: |
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Hi O4mstrsnee,
Thanks for your comments on my post. Yes I agree with you both of us need some counseling and I have to get brave and communicate with him about all of this so we can move forward and get some help. Thanks again for your comments. |
O4mstrsnee
New member
Username: O4mstrsnee
Post Number: 42
Registered: 08-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - 10:52 pm: |
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Hope it works out for you. I have been there thinking you are less then you are. But you are worth more then you think and have much to offer. |
Buenaventura
Supreme Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 831
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, October 25, 2007 - 06:40 pm: |
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It,s a difficult age for a man(looking at it from our point of view)erection problems come up(no pun intended)and a man can become very insecure about his manhood.Libido is also a problem.I found that I liked sex too much to give it up just because I couldn,t perform as I had for most of my life.I found that foreplay could last for hours and be almost as much fun as with an erection.Just giving pleasure is a huge turn-on.Then with viagra etc.coming along I found that there is a life after impotence so now I,ve got the best of both worlds very long foreplay (althoughI gues it,s not fore anymore)and some times I getlucky!!! No matter what it,s all great fun.Wish he could read this so he,d know it,s not just him. |
Badgirl
Supreme Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 581
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 25, 2007 - 09:07 pm: |
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Hey Michelle,
It's hard to add anything to what's been said. You're in a rough spot, and no matter what we say, it's not going to be suddenly better.
Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy, espescially over something as meaningless as weight. I mean think about your friends. Think about the people you admire. Why do you like them? What do you admire about them?
I bet you that nowhere on your list was their weight....
Lack of sex sucks. In no way do I mean to belittle that. But his ability to perform is entirely unrelated to the way you look. TRUST US on this one.
My two cents? Try to keep the two issues separate. They are both hard enough to cope with on their own, without making them about each other.
Good luck. |
Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 172
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 25, 2007 - 10:10 pm: |
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Buenaventura...thanks for your comments, and I do see his side of it alot with his age and the sexual problems but I can't help but think that if I were 125 lbs then it would all go away!!
Badgirl ...Yeah your right , I do need to keep the weight and sex issues seperate, and I try...just easier said and done. Thanks for your comments and advice.
I just wanted to say thank you to all who have given me thier advice or who just simply commented to make me feel better  I am going to work on this and communicate more with him, and we will both get through it, I know this because we do love each other and they say love conquers all |
O4mstrsnee
New member
Username: O4mstrsnee
Post Number: 44
Registered: 08-2007
| | Posted on Friday, October 26, 2007 - 03:22 pm: |
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wait a minute I am not 125 and My Lord has no complaints about my body. He is older as well. Recently he said at his age that does not have a second go round in him, if you know what I mean. Anyway he was proven wrong in a nice way. Please do not let his problems bring you down about yourself. Yes, we would all love to be the thin young thing at times. But trust me Sex Kittens come in many shapes sizes and colors. Just think Mae West, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Mansfield none were 125 my dear and they were and are considered sexy. I think how we see ourselves is how we come across at times. Let your sex kitten out to play enjoy who and what you are. We are built for comfort at least thats what I have been told. |
Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 174
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, October 26, 2007 - 05:42 pm: |
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O4mstrsnee,
Thanks for your encouraging words! I will really try hard to not let this bring me down, it has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically and I am just miserable on an almost daily basis, it's not worth all of that! |
O4mstrsnee
New member
Username: O4mstrsnee
Post Number: 47
Registered: 08-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, October 28, 2007 - 12:06 pm: |
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Honey I just read your other post you are a young women and sexy as hell I bet. I am less then two weeks away from 46. It is hard to see ourselves as sexy sometimes. But I have been truely blessed My Lord never says negative things about me. I am starting to accept myself and you know what I am becomingmore willing to show myself to him and in turn it makes him hotter. men do not all want size two's. If I may make a suggestion. Start small he is a spanker flash him your bottom perhaps bend over with no panties on and an oversized t shirt or short skirt. I am willing to bet when you see his reaction you will have to feel better about yourself. You will gain confidence I know I did. |
Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 181
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 28, 2007 - 01:19 pm: |
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Hi O4mstrsnee,
Thanks for your compliments ...MG has always given me compliments on how beautiful and sexy I am but also a "brat" at times too LOL (which I love it when he calls me his "brat" so I take that as a compliment too). I guess I am just confused at how this man can say how beautiful I am , how sexy I am but yet he has no desire to have sex with me, but I know it's not his fault so that is why I was blaming myself and my weight problem BUT everyone here including you have helped me to see that I can't blame myself!
When I was in my 20's I was thin and that was my "safety" net, it was then that the male attention I got made me feel good but now I am learning that I have to feel good about myself and love myself, I can't have others do that for me. My mom always used to tell me that if I don't love myself then how can others love me, which is so true! Thanks again for your encouragment, and wise words! |
O4mstrsnee
New member
Username: O4mstrsnee
Post Number: 48
Registered: 08-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, October 28, 2007 - 06:51 pm: |
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I am glad you are starting to see your true colors. I know it is hard at times. Brat is a compliment isn't it. I sure hope it is because I get called a brat alot. |
Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 182
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 28, 2007 - 10:18 pm: |
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Yep brat is a compliment for sure I just melt when MG calls me a brat or his brat but when I am in trouble he also calls me a brat but in a very different tone! Have a great week!! |
Paranoidspankee
New member
Username: Paranoidspankee
Post Number: 12
Registered: 09-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 30, 2007 - 11:26 pm: |
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Sorry for focusing so much on weight in the following post, but I just had to say something about this issue. Please know that I'm not trying to sound obnoxious or imply that there is anything "wrong" with your partner or your relationship! Here goes:
- "My mom always used to tell me that if I don't love myself then how can others love me, which is so true!"
You are lucky to have a Mom with wisdom who shares it with you! I wish I did! How I envy you!
As a 46-1/2 year old who has been following this thread for awhile, I'm now delurking. I'm going to go out on a limb here and hypothesize the following: weight is not the issue. In fact, weight may not even be AN issue at all!
Of course, at 195 lbs I'm not exactly "skinny!" I wear sexy "big-girl" lingerie (I go to the gym to keep toned and fit) and my hubby (we've been married almost 20 years) thinks I'm VERY attractive; he LOVES to spank me (and yes, I have a LARGE, beautiful bottom!) and have sex with me.
In our case, I'm actually OLDER (by six years) than my hubby, and starting within the last year, he is also my Spanker/Dom/Master.
I'm committed to improving my overall fitness (I have an initial goal of 180 after having been as high as 218). This is being done for reasons of health and well being--and to make it easier to run away when hubby is chasing me with the wooden spoon, lol! (Don't worry, he'll always catch me, and I'll always end up "end up" over his knee!)
Please take good care, you are a good person  , thank you for listening,
- Ps  "Just because you're paranoid..." (- Unknown)
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Tmichellebrat
Advanced Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 184
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 31, 2007 - 01:45 pm: |
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Hi Paranoidspankee,
Thanks for your encouraging words. Thanks for making me feel better about myself. Yes I am lucky to have a mother who has always been there for me She is a blessing and I thank God for her everyday! I am sorry to hear that you don't have the same.
I am going to start focusing on the positive things about me and stop focusing so much on the negative, I believe that's a good start. |
The_housewife
New member
Username: The_housewife
Post Number: 2
Registered: 10-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, November 01, 2007 - 12:32 am: |
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Ok I am a newbie here, but I just can't help but respond to this post. I know I am echoing the sentiments of so many here, but weight is YOUR} issue, not his! It has taken my husband a lot of time to thump this into my head (if only he would really thump me!) but I have come to accept that the hang ups about my weight are completely one sided. I am a big girl, and my hubby has been with me through a wide variety of sizes. Real love knows no size limit! Communication seems to be the bigger issue to me. I am sure, if he loves you, he wants to please you. But he cannot read your mind. You have to communicate your needs to him. You might be surprised at how eager he is to reciprocate. |
Tess_1989
New member
Username: Tess_1989
Post Number: 2
Registered: 03-2008
| | Posted on Monday, March 03, 2008 - 06:49 am: |
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Hey Michelle,
I've read before that women hit their sexual prime in their thirties, while men do in their twenties. I'll admit that I went and took a peak at your profile, which says you're somewhere in the ballpark of 32. This is an age at which most women start to become comfortable enough and experienced enough with their bodies that sex starts becoming truly enjoyable. Indeed, this is true with women as they age I know <no underage references, please>. I think men function a little diffierently though because as you said, as they age and move out of their sexual prime, there are actual physical barriers that need to be overcome. In many cases, the psychological drive for sex diminishes as well. My dad and I maintain a relatively frank and open dialogue on sex (which is unfortunate for me at times), but he basically tells me that at 45, he only really craves sex once a week and sometimes, he's frankly not in the mood! I think with all the distractions of work, bills and all the other responsibilities that come with being an adult, sex starts to take a back burner on things. However, most men, if they love you, will make an effort to please you if they can. This is inherent for them I think because men don't like to think that they can't successfully please a woman. The reason that your boyfriend is reluctant to try might be due to the simple fact that he doesn't want to fail and he knows spanking satisfies you, so he wants to keep doing what works and not risk failing at what might now work.
If your boyfriend has difficulty maintaining an erection, there are other things that he can do that will help encourage that bond of intimacy that you crave. For example, he can use dildos, vibrators, his fingers or his mouth to pleasure you. I know that my boyfriend hits my G-spot a lot better when he fingers me as opposed to sex.
Physical limitations should not be a barrier to sex. There are many handicapped people that lack the ability to have erections or even move parts of their bodies, but that are able to enjoy full and active sex lives. After all, sex, like spanking, is largely psychological. However, if you are finding that his primary barriers to sex are psychological, he may need to get that checked out because a low sex drive might be symptomatic of other health issues.
In terms of your weight, I'm telling you, you should honestly not worry about it. He has no problems spanking you, which is obviously sexually arousing for him, so clearly, your physical weight is not a concern for him. Besides, everyone has their own preferences when it comes to body type, and the ideal body promoted by the media is not the only one that men find attractive. We all have our own body issues, (heck, I always wish that I weighed more, had bigger boobs and a bigger butt, so maybe my boyfriend would be more inclined to spank it,) but it's important that we don't let them control us because we have to trust that our partners choose to be with us for exactly who we are. Besides, if this is your natural weight and body size, losing weight using the methods you've described can have dire consequences. Your mood will most likely change due to starvation and you might find that the one thing you craved-more sex- might not be what you want anymore because your sex drive has decreased.
Ultimately, we all have insecurities about our weight, about being desired, and about being loved. However, it is important to separate and deal with issues about body image in terms of oneself and not one's partner. In the end, you know that if it is indeed true that your partner does not love you for who you are, you shouldn't be with him. But right now, it seems like his issues have more to do with himself and inadequate conversation. It is important for you to adress those issues at hand and not incorporate elements of self-hate in because most likely, that is not what he is thinking about.
All the best,
Tess
(Message edited by fanny on March 03, 2008) |
Laszlo
Spanko
Username: Laszlo
Post Number: 134
Registered: 01-2006
| | Posted on Friday, March 07, 2008 - 01:38 am: |
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i hate to over simplfy but i spank because it gives me sexual pleasure, spanking is the ultimate sexual pleasure, sex and orgasm go hand in hand |
Snake84
New member
Username: Snake84
Post Number: 4
Registered: 03-2008
| | Posted on Sunday, March 30, 2008 - 12:15 pm: |
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Hell i would never be able to take sex ot of it. My girl would never alow me to take sex away. |
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