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Justbeginning
New member
Username: Justbeginning
Post Number: 1
Registered: 02-2008
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 12:54 am: | 
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I'm brand new to the spanking world, after finally realizing my desires repressed for over 30 years! Have recently begun a wonderful new D/s relationship with a dedicated spanker; I realilze spanking for us will be both erotic and discipline, and that spanking will be evidence of his power/control, and of my submission. HOWEVER, I'M SCARED..nervous...and know it will hurt -- badly. He says he'll be using a wooden paddle with holes in it, and a tawses. Should I clench my bottom to lessen the impacts? He says I'll need to submit and resign myself to it, and eventually relax into it. I'm scared of the expected pain, but want to submit to him. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated! |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1811
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 01:58 am: |
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Hello and welcome to the Den, Justbeginning.
I'm going to be very honest with you now and I want you to keep in mind that I have your best interests at heart. Since you are new to this lifestyle, please make sure your spanker takes it slow and introduces you to spanking in a way that you are comfortable with.
Have you talked about a safe word? It sounds as though you've never experienced an implement and I have to say that starting with a wooden paddle with holes in it and tawses seems a bit extreme for a beginner. I know some people say that a safe word should never be used for a punishment session, but when you're new to this and it's early in the relationship, your personal safety is more important than anything else. You obviously haven't experienced this type of spanking and that concerns me. It just seems a bit extreme for a new relationship.
You need to discuss your concerns with your spanker. Being nervous is one thing, but if you are truly scared, you really need to talk this over with him. He's your dom and in order to keep your trust, he should be made aware of all your feelings.
Submission is a tricky thing. You can only give it to someone you trust completely and if you have reservations, you can't submit completely.
One more thing, a punishment spanking doesn't have to be the most painful spanking a spanker can deliver. None of the punishment spankings I've had have even come close to the physical intensity of the erotic spankings I've enjoyed. It's not about physical pain for me. It's all about the emotions involved when I know I've done something wrong. I'm always harder on myself than he ever could be. The spanking is cathartic and more of a ritual than it is about inflicting serious pain. It's all about the dynamic we have as dom and sub.
I'm not trying to rain on your parade, I just want you to be safe.  |
Justbeginning
New member
Username: Justbeginning
Post Number: 2
Registered: 02-2008
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 10:26 am: |
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Thanks for your concern. He says he'll be giving me "training" punishment spankings, since he realizes I'm new to this, in separate sessions, all the same night..first the paddle, later the tawses, and perhaps then his hand.
He has thoroughly discussed safewords with me, and has said he'll take care of me, even while he's punishing me, and that he'll talk me through what I need to accept. He did say that all punishment spankings start hard, and there will be no warmup. I'm not really "scared".."nervous" is more appropriate. Guess he's trying to help me develop submission to him, which is what I want.
Is there any way to lessen the pain upon sudden impact? Guess I should expect lots of tears? I know this is a huge step in our relationship, and I'm very willing to submit to him, but I'm nervous about the pain.
When does the pain become pleasure? |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3444
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 02:52 pm: |
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Justbeginning, I am a bit concerned about the speed in which your disciplinarian is working.
You REALLY need to start at a very slow and easy pace as a beginner, or it may be a disaster.
I am in complete disagreement with him, one cannot ever say ALL punishment spankings start hard. There is no rule about this, it is up to the couple after many, many experiences to make this decision. In my opinion, which is of course only my opinion, there should ALWAYS be some sort of warm-up.
You think he is helping you develop submission, which you think you want, but in reality will not know until you are actually in the situation. Even your feelings during the actual spanking may be different than the feelings you may have later that day or even days later.
Please do not accept he will "take care of you" so you don't need a safe word. I have been in a spanking relationship for decades and there are occasional times when I use a safe word, just because the time is not right for me. In order for a spanking relationship to work, there has to be consent. After a while, you will realize there will be times, that as an adult, you will not feel consentual. If you want the pain to become a pleasure, consent is the key, whether it is punishment or not.
No one can tell you whether to expect tears or not. Some of us are criers and some are not. I am not usually one who cries,I can take pain, but crying is a great emotional release and at times I cry because I need to.
Always keep in mind that you are a grown woman with many life experiences. It is always scary starting a new life style, but never give up or deny your individuality.
Lastly, I will say that I do not agree that a paddle should be the first impliment. You have no idea how your reaction will be emotionally or physically. If he really cares for you, he should start with his hand and work up from there, using your reactions as his guide.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Petergrimm
Spanko
Username: Petergrimm
Post Number: 79
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 03:16 pm: |
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Justbeginning, you are making me really nervous... I understand your new to this, what is his experience level? Personally I would not advise proceeding unless you are entirely comfortable with what has been NEGOTIATED between the two of you AND you trust him to NOT deviate from what you agree to.
What the hell is the hurry that you intend to start a new experience with serious implements in multiple sessions? Maybe it is all a mindfuck on his part but you need to be sure what you are doing here.
Re lessening pain - unfortunately most of the intensity variation pain level of the strokes is not going to be under your control - which is a desired goal for most spankees, or at least not a negative. Clenching has some effect - more impact is dissipated into the skin (increases sensation) but the effect is felt less since the brain is distracted - sort of like doing breathing control (timed panting,and or breath cycles) which is also used by many to work through spankings (and labour and other painful things).
When the pain will become pleasure? This really worries me. It doesn't. At least not like one BECOMING the other. Personally when I get a spanking it hurts - period. But I happen to like the hurt - spanking is erotic for me. I know what is causing it, I know there is no real damage, I expect it and anticipate it, I feel it and it makes me feel alive, focused and aroused. Other senations which accompany spankings around here are brighter and sharper and are highly pleasurable but it still hurts. I don't get punishment spankings but those that do have a whole bunch of emotional reponses that are overall posistive for them as well that can override the pain with a positive reaction.
There are a few luck individuals that profess not to feel pain at all but most of use will agree it hurts. (Someone once told me "spanking hurts, but not in a way that hurts")
I hope your session goes well since it would be too easy to really mess up your trust and possibly turn you off spanking permanently. On the other hand, if he knows what he is doing and takes it slow, you could be starting off on something pretty wonderful. Good luck and best wishes.
Peter |
Buenaventura
Supreme Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 846
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 04:30 pm: |
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I find it difficult to believe that an experienced spanker giving his first spanking to a novice would start with the big guns.I call my spankee leather butt cause she can take pretty much anything I can give her but I always start with my hand and am finely attuned to her sensitivity even when it,s a punishment spanking. Hmmm well maybe a few times I,ve started out with a paddle or the terrible bathbrush for really serious offenses but even then I prepared her verbally beforehand and she agreed that she really deserved it.Again she has more experience than I and just has to say that,s enough with the right tone of voice and I stop ! |
Ruinae8
Spanko
Username: Ruinae8
Post Number: 26
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 06:13 pm: |
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Justbeginning - you really must take care - to start off with heavy equipment is really only for the very experienced who have been involved in a very trusting relationship for some time. You should by now have come to hear of the expression "a warm up spanking" and it is for good reason it is called that and is a practice that I (and possibly most other spankers/spankees) expect and exercise.
Please ask yourself the question - "if he knows that I am new to this (and he has previous experience) why (if he wanted me to continue to maintain this lifestyle)would he want to initiate proceedings in such a manner?"
Your other question about "when does pain become pleasure?" For me the pain itself is not really pleasure - for me it is all about the build up and (what is often written about here) the after glow.
I would respectfully enquire (before you accede to any requests) that you question his motives and would also go so far as to say you should satisfy yourself as to whether or not he is a true consensual spanking devotee or not, as opposed to his possibly leaning toward a sadistic side. |
Justbeginning
New member
Username: Justbeginning
Post Number: 3
Registered: 02-2008
| | Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 09:53 pm: |
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WOW....you've all really opened my eyes to lots of things. Thank you so much. He's out of town right now, but I'm going to email him and suggest he access this website and conversation... based on your insights and UNANIMOUS CONCERNS, he and I must have a pointed discussion. If he's not willing to listen to your viewpoints, and start slow, etc, and not use the "big guns", then perhaps I shouldn't meet with him....or continue the relationship.
It would be sad, but then again, I value your experienced opinions and value my safety. THANK YOU. I still have a few days left. |
Lil_bit
Spanko
Username: Lil_bit
Post Number: 63
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, February 24, 2008 - 08:47 am: |
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Hi Justbeginning. I just finished reading your posts and I completely agree with everyones concerns. As I read your last entry I am hoping that you have developed some concerns of your own. I would encourage you to really think all this through before you talk to him. Go back through the forum and read some of the questions and answers. There are alot of good ones on how to begin. Starting the way he wants to makes me think he really doesn't have the experience you think he does (or he believes he does). We have only been at ttwd for a little while and we always have a safeword. You may not even have to use it because of the spanking. It could be anything - a cramp, uncomfortable postion etc. With a safeword you have some control over the situation. You can stop the session, fix the problem and resume. As for developing submission to him -- Well I think that its not something you develope its something you give freely. If you wish to give it then it will come naturally I believe. Thats just my opinion (it comes to me that way not everyone is the same). It takes time for alot of this to work. Please be careful and let us know how it goes.
Life is not about the amount of breaths you take, its about the moments that take your breath away.
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Bratattitude
Advanced Spanko
Username: Bratattitude
Post Number: 124
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, February 24, 2008 - 02:04 pm: |
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Justbeginning, I am very relieved to see your post about re-thinking this. I honestly advise you to seriously reconsider this. In your first post it sounded like you knew this person prior to entering this phase of your relationship together; the last post made me think you do not know him and perhaps met him in some other way and that this would be your first encounter with one another. I would hate for yoru very first time you get to experience something you think you have longed for to go badly. Believe me, not all punishment spankings have to start hard. I am sure you gathered that from most people who have responded, but I had to say it, too! The most important thing in any spanking is that you are safe and your needs and safety is top priority!
Good Luck |
Neoserenity87
Advanced Spanko
Username: Neoserenity87
Post Number: 316
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, March 23, 2008 - 07:38 am: |
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Justbeginning I am so glad that you have reconsidered, (having followed the conversation)
I won't add too much, if the guy won't start with a warm up, and use his hand first, dump him. There will be others, and you can always introduce spanking to someone else who is also new to it.
For me, personally, I enjoy the anticipation, I like to fight it and struggle during the spanking, and I enjoy the after glow. (warm sensation afterwards) Not necessarily the spanking itself. It doesn't have to be super hard, and we don't really use implements yet. As far as punishment goes, punishments in my mind should ALWAYS have a warm-up, it's not about inflicting pain, it's about reflecting on your transgressions. In the past I've cried while I was punished and I wasn't even spanked that hard! It's all what you make of it. Anyway, if the guy doesn't take it slow tell him to the hit the road and PLEASE keep us informed! Hope this helps!
-Neo
Naughty little soldiers are always caught shaking in their combat boots.
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