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Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 336
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, May 28, 2005 - 03:26 pm: | 
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Okay, I know this is a boring topic, and I don't blame you if you just close it off without reading it and I will not be insulted.
The forum has actually been a good source for discussion between my husband and me. We have been together since we were 18 years old, so we have spent over half of ours lives together. My "feisty or quiet?" thread got us into a deep discussion this morning. Why is spanking a part of our lives? What do expect out of it and why do we continue? We have actually gone for years a few times without it in our marriage, but then it returned. So why did it come back?
I work as a crisis counselor and I have dealt with abused women, so for over a year after I started this job, I was dead set against the idea of spanking. It began to seem "wrong" to me.
In a long term relationships, there are always going to be the lows with the highs. During our low points, when there has been a lot of tension and stress, spankings always went out the window. Our marriage has never been threatened, but we have had our share of life events that resulted in a lot of tension and stress. The death of a baby, unemployment, major illness, demand of a job, needs from our parents, taking extra kids into our family, the list goes on.
We started our spanking activities before we were married, it was fun and games, foreplay type of stuff. Tickle and spank, all over each other like a couple of playful pups. Yes, that still goes on occasionally and we will be celebrating 27 years married next month. Somewhere along the way, other types of spanking started sneaking in. I am a very strong woman and there is nothing I have found that I couldn't do. Some times, I refuse to see my own limits and push myself beyond them. I can be my own worse enemy. One morning after I had literally been up all night, I drove to a soccer registration I was helping with. When I was leaving the parking lot at about noon, with NO sleep at all, I accidently caught bumpers with the car parked next to me. I admit it, I was just too tired and wasn't really paying attention. I went looking for the owner of the other car, we unlocked bumpers, she called the police (over reaction). There was no damage to my car but she had a fiberglass bumber that had to be pulled off. When I got home, I didn't need to tell my husband about it, but he could tell I was overtired and a bit upset. I took a nap, I really didn't see it as a big deal. Later that evening, my husband decided to take things in hand (literally.) He was angry because I couldn't see my own boundries, and what I had done, things could easily have ended tradgically. He didn't want to lose me and was going to give me a real wake up call. Suddenly the dynamics of our marriage changed. If I refused to look out for myself, there was someone who damn well was going to take over that job.
At this point in our lives, we practice all forms of spanking, GG. BG and DD. The DD has only happened three times, and I know it is serious business. Is it right? Who can say, but apparently is works for us. If the day came around and I did something life threatening and my husband didn't respond, I think it would mean the beginning of the end of our relationship.
Meanwhile, I am a person who enjoys excitmement whenever possible. I am a tease, a flirt and I love to see how far I can push someone to get a reaction. My husband says it is one of the things he loves about me. He is secure enough in our marriage to smile when I flirt with another man. He knows I am going home ONLY with him. I am also a very passionate person who loves to touch. It is hard for me to talk with someone, male or female without touching them at some point, I am a big hugger. I love skin to skin contact. The person I flirt and tease the most with is my husband and I get almost instant gratification. Especially when he is engrossed with something, I will see how long it takes to get his attention. Again, the day I can't distract him, I will begin to worry. So after all these years I still find myself over his knee, and I am still squirming and yelling "STOP". He says he loves to see me react, he loves feeling "in total control" at times, and yes it does help ease stress and excites all the senses. There is little that is more passionate more intimate and more arousing. We enter our own little world, where we can leave aside the tensions of everyday life and can just concentrate on the emotions of the moment. I guess that is why we keep coming back to spankings and why it works in our marriage.
Sorry for the rambling....if you have stayed with me.
"Queen of Innocence""
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 188
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, May 28, 2005 - 09:53 pm: |
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Fanny, this isn't boring in the least. I love hearing how other people work spanking into their relationships. Dan and I haven't been together very long, it's been about a year and a half now, so I'm very interested in how others handle it in the long-term.
Spanking is mainly about fun for us but there's room for other types in our evolving relationship. Dan's the head of our household and that's the way we like it. He hasn't had to give me a true disciplinary spanking although I know there are some things he'd give me one for. What you did would definitely get me one. I know anything that falls under the category of endangering myself would get me one.
I guess I get what are called bad girl spankings for little infractions like saying negative things about myself and acting bratty in public (my infamous Walmart behavior is an example of that). Those aren't exactly fun spankings but they're good for us. I don't like upsetting Dan and both of those things do that so a spanking is a way of working through any negative feelings. It's much better than arguing, that's for sure! A few hard spanks accompanied by some firm words from him, and all is right in our world again.
Then there are the pre-shopping behavior enhancing spankings. A quick spanking before we go out helps me remember to behave. Even if he doesn't go with me, I have a toasty bottom so I keep him in mind. What's funny is,even those are nice for me. I go out in public with a freshly spanked bottom and no one knows it but me. It's my own little naughty secret. It's really very nice.
The spanking we do the most of are the erotic spankings we love. Those are usually long, intense, and followed by great sex and lots of cuddling. I love those!
Even when a spanking starts out as therapuetic for me when I'm feeling grumpy, they end up being wonderful. I get rid of all those negative feelings and get a well-spanked bottom and lots of good loving in exchange. It's great.
Okay, enough of my rambling.  |
Biggirl
New member
Username: Biggirl
Post Number: 6
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 29, 2005 - 02:15 am: |
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fanny & Bethie; I too just begun so please know this is an awesome topic for a new spankee like myself, Both the long term & shorter long term. I think for myself I am 95% into sexy spankings for both GG & BG behavior. I want to experience "tears" as a form of emotionally release. Especially for my horrid hormonal time (sorry men) but I do believe the ladies will know 100% what I am talking about & really do want their imput. If I am able to acheive tears during this time then I will know if "emotional release" spankings are something I can handle.I thought at first tears equaled DD (or "bend Over" in a fun context) & now after further reading (Creatively spanked wife essay)I know it doesn't. Of course I will read more....I ALWAYS read everything I can about everything & G & I will continue to navigate our way developing a spanking lifestyle that fits us both. If I find I only like the sexy GG BG spankings & GG/BG role-playing does that mean I am less of a spankee?
To me ya'all aren't rambling because I am as chatty as they come!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BigGirl |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 190
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 29, 2005 - 03:16 am: |
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BigGirl, I think all relationships are as unique as the people in them. The problem I run into is that when some spankos are trying to figure out this spanking thing they try to impress their ideas on other spankos or try to categorize or define all spankos which is impossible. Everyone has different needs and desires.
And, no, it doesn't make you less of a spankee to like the kind of spankings you like. It's who you are. I know there are those who like to say they're more of a spanko because they can take more or even take less. It's like listening to vanillas trying to one up each other about which couple is more romantic or in love.
I've been subjected to those exchanges before and all I could do was laugh. Because the truth is, who cares? Are you happy? That's the real question. If the answer is yes, then count your blessings and keep up the good work. If the answer is no, then go to work and make yourself happy.
I'm not trying to lecture you here, I just don't want you falling victim to the latest debates I've seen about spanking among spankos. It's ridiculous. I'm completely with Patty about this one. It's about you and yours and what you want.
Have fun and enjoy whatever spankings you can get. I know I do!  |
Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 338
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 29, 2005 - 07:42 am: |
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Biggirl, I hope you don't misread what I wrote to say anything more than this is what WE do. Our relationship have evolved over the years, and as Bethie says every relationship is different. Tears are a wonderful emotional release, they are there for a reason.
It was many, many years into our relationship before there was ever a DD situation, and like I said, there has only been three times in almost three decades. I would have never thought years ago I would have allowed it, let alone accept it. Therefore I would have to say that 99.98% of all our spankings are just plain arousing.
"Queen of Innocence""
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Headteddy
Spanko
Username: Headteddy
Post Number: 114
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 29, 2005 - 09:33 am: |
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I'm a little reluctant to jump in here as the first top in but here goes.
Because so much of my professional life is focused on communication and because right now I am not with TD I really do think about this a lot. Les and I will have our 26th an anniversary next month and like Fanny and Rick spanking has been in and out of our relationship (but not our thoughts) more than a few times. Sometimes stress, sometimes my marching off for months to do a political campaign, sometimes health or sometimes we just want be vanilla-a deep rich vanilla but for whatever reason spanking is just not part of it.
We also are 95% erotic in our spanking play. Les uses her bratiness as a communication signal to me that she is ready to play. I will do the same. How we do it-verbally or non verbally often sets the tone for the play gg or bg. There has only been 1 disciplinary spanking in 26 years of marriage and 2 years of dating, and that was in 1981.
Academically, that is known as meta-communication or communication about the relational dimension of communication. As couples grow in their understanding of each other's meta-communication styles and techniques everything about their relationship becomes easier.
I think spanko relationships put an absolute premium on good communication -not only during but in the all of the pre and post spanking interaction. For example: Bethie enjoys a preventative spanking before shopping-TD would not-she enjoys coming home with her treasures displaying them and casually dismissing or ignoring my growing dismay at the amount spent (button push). She enjoys the entire ritual-bending over in front of me to pick up something while talking about how everything was on sale or complaining about how much the 1 item she got for me cost while spending 10 times that much on herself etc. It's not the money-I would get her anything if she even thought she wanted it!! Well, once it was the money. Its more of her way of asking for a spanking or telling me she wants to be brat and let's see where it goes. It doesn't have to wind up with a spanking but it almost always winds up in sex.
On the other hand, she likes to go out to fancy parties and dinners with a smarting bottom so she will brat before we leave and get a short but intense spanking. She says she likes knowing that her glowing butt says she's all mine, particularly when I'm flitting about parties chatting with young, female media, business or lawyer types. She also finds that it builds her anticipation for the bedtime sex sure to come upon arrival home.
Its all about communication-does she want to cry for release-she says no. Does she want to cry and yowl to cheer me on? She says yes! She believes making noises in intimate communication situations is like cheer leading for guys. Is the crying part of the scene? Definitely because it signals moving on to the gentle post spanking play and at least a temporary embrace of my role as HOH.
I guess this has gotten really long but it is a great topic. I have got to go get going and back to house hunting and writing.
Thanks guys for a great thread.
HT
Every Challenge is An Opportunity
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Pagan
New member
Username: Pagan
Post Number: 29
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 29, 2005 - 10:35 am: |
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Every relationship is different, and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other.
My first spanking relationship was a monogamous romantic one for 3 years, and then an occasional casual one for another 5 (between respective vanilla partners).
I have been with Squire for 15 years, married for almost 13. Apart from one playful spanking he gave me at the very beginning, and many threats, we did not incorporate spanking into our relationship until 2 years ago.
I had made a few halting requests over the years while we were fooling around. He always said yes, but then didn't follow through, which was frustrating.
When I actually got the nerve up to tell him that I really would like him to spank me, and was both surprised and disappointed when he said yes and didn't, he was (what the Brits call) gobsmacked. He told me that he had always thought it was just pillow talk, and hadn't known that I was serious.
We have gone from him giving me a few tentative swats (Am I hurting you? I don't want to hurt you.") to him coming to a spanking conference with me this weekend, where he picked up a couple of nasty tricks.
(One of which was to throw a leg over mine. Grr....He thought that was a great idea. I told him it was done all the time. When he asked why I hadn't ever told him that, I said "Because I'm not stupid - give your head a shake!" Someone obviously also told him about the tops of the thighs, which he's never before done. I think a certain canine might have been behind that one!  ).
To me, spanking IS sex. I can't take sexual feelings out of it. We do not do bg's or DD. They would not be right for us.
Some might think that we're not "real" spankos because we play at the lighter end of the spectrum (although he's mighty fond of a certain evil rubber strap and a heavy leather hairbrush paddle that is lined with lexan), and don't do punishment or discipline. I only know that being able to take off this mask has made us even closer.
I've gotten exactly the type of spanking relationship that I wanted, which is what's important to all of us. |
Biggirl
New member
Username: Biggirl
Post Number: 7
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 29, 2005 - 09:59 pm: |
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To everyone:
This site just makes me feel great. I so feel I am on the right track. And I really think it was the exact right next step in our relationship. In making it stronger & more open. And I can't imagine his frustration with me...in the sense that.....I am the worst intimate communicator there is. It is a HUGE problem for me & ALWAYS has been. I really see how this can help me in that area as well. I just LOVE LIFE....how things happen organically in life....how one new thing in one area of your life can lead to opportunities to "work on" other things.
Brightest Blessings,BigGirl |
Headteddy
Spanko
Username: Headteddy
Post Number: 117
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 29, 2005 - 11:04 pm: |
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Biggirl:
This really is one of the best groups of people around. You can't go wrong at all here. Everyone will try to be helpful and everyone has good ideas.
Intimate communication is often a problem. I teach interpersonal communication at the college level but obviously, I can't teach a unit on intimate communication -at least not the way it should be taught to be real world. "Er excuse me Professor, what does it mean when my girlfriend cries during sex?"
What do I say? I don't and if the question is even asked I probably should be fired. My best suggestion is exactly what you are doing. Share your internet reading with your partner. Talk about your wants and needs. Talk about his. Role play but most of all have fun!!
Enjoy!
HT
Every Challenge is An Opportunity
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Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 4
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 30, 2005 - 04:54 pm: |
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i'd like to add my word of praise for this site and the folks who set it up... i am a new dom and i am finding lots of answers to my questions. i have one major one left , why,,, what is it about being spanked that makes you want it.. i am 61 years old, wonderfully healthy, 6 feet 4 inches,, 204 pounds..
i don't want to be spanked and all my life i have been taught to not hit women.
is it the feeling that someone else in the relationship is capable of being the leader and running the relationship and taking charge, much like we have to convince our children that we are tough enough to take care of and protect them..? |
Smartnnaughty
Junior Spanko
Username: Smartnnaughty
Post Number: 69
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 30, 2005 - 05:12 pm: |
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Bigfoot,
For me, it is about a power exchange accomplished through a disciplinary spanking. I can easily push everyone around and think I run the world. I need to know that there is someone who is stronger than I am and can put me in my place. Not that I always go willingly but I crave the physical reminder that until I let go of my stubbornness and willfulness, the spanking will continue.
The release of the controlling energy within me brings me back to earth. I become more respectful to others and know that I'm not better than everyone else. Plus knowing that someone else sees what I am doing and still cares about me enough to spank me helps a lot too. There has to be time afterwards to reconnect otherwise it was wasted time.
Erotic spankings can be fun too and I like them as well. But right now I'm seeking out the above in some regular context.
I hope that helps. Just know that this is my take on it and everyone is different.
Sassy Sassy Sassy
No one can be as Sassy as me!
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Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 370
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 30, 2005 - 05:36 pm: |
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There is a lot to analyze here, as SNN says every relationship differs. I think we all go into a spanking relationship for different reasons at different times (possibly with different people) Really, think about it though, what is there not enjoy about a spanking? It is intimate, sensual, fun, and emotional. It excites, releases expressions, we can laugh and cry at the same time. Blood pours towards the intimate areas, tingling sensations occur, skin touches "forbidden" skin, it is extremely personal. It is also a great a way of being naughty without breaking the law. (I think)
"Queen of Innocence""
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Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 5
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 30, 2005 - 09:12 pm: |
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thank you..... that helps heaps...
i think i understand.
the sub says,,, prove to me that you are tough enough to protect me by showing me that you are more powerful than i am so i can depend on your strength.
and the other sub says. this is the most intimate gift i can give you. this shows that i trust you with a part of me that is most vulnerable, i trust you to care for me with compassion and affection, i place myself in your hands.
am i close, this is the impression that i get from my lady. |
Fanny
Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 374
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 30, 2005 - 10:25 pm: |
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Excellently said, Bigfoot.
Here is another example I can share with you, today I was my usual self, stirring up a bit of trouble here and there. My husband gets frisky and grabs me over his lap. After a couple dozen swats he asks "Now are you going to be my good girl". My answer was "But are you sure that is what you REALLY want?" A two second pause and he falls apart laughing, "Well IS it? I asked laughing too. It was one of those great moments!
"Queen of Innocence""
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Rocco
Spanko
Username: Rocco
Post Number: 214
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Friday, June 03, 2005 - 06:11 pm: |
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Thanks to Fanny for starting this thread. I was finally able to read it all the way through.
The take you all have on your relationships, or what you are looking for in one is amazing to read. It's uplifting and inspiring just to know that success in the long term is happening for couples out there. And to those couples I say congratulations and thank you for sharing. For those still looking or those of us finding our way in our current relationships it helps, and is the greatest of encouragements.
Nothing says I love you like a spanking
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