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Naughtylele
New member
Username: Naughtylele
Post Number: 25
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Friday, June 30, 2006 - 10:45 pm: | 
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Hello all,
My fiance & I have been together 6 years, and have been involved in spanking almost that long. Unfortunately, due to living arrangements, spankings were few and far between. When I did get a spanking, it was almost like a special occation because either everybody was out of the house (rare) or we were on vacation (even rarer). I should note that at these times, I could really take a spanking. We've even reached "runner's high" (I don't know what else to call it, maybe "spanking high?") a few times. Now that we're on our own, spankings are a little more common, but I've noticed a problem in the past few months.
My problem is that as soon as the spanking gets any further than a mild sting and gets a little painful, I start to mentally panic, like I just can't take it. Even though I was enjoying the spanking, suddenly I whine for him to stop, even beg and cajol, struggle and almost launch myself off his lap, try to cover up and generally make things difficult. His response almost always has been to stop because he thinks I've learned my lesson, or that it's too painful to be enjoyable. Both are very gentlemanly but...even 10 minutes later, I've barely got that warm feeling glow. And I feel like it wasn't enough, like I need more...I crave more, I've actually gone back to him and told him I need more, and he will, and as soon as it gets a bit painful, I'll freak (again) and he'll stop (again).
I've noticed recently that he doesn't even do walk-by smacks anymore. I know he's gotten frustrated, and feels like if he spanks me and ten minutes later I feel nothing and still crave more, then he feels like he did a pretty bad job or is ineffective.
I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just upset because it feels like we're hardly ever playing anymore, and I don't know how to fix it. He says he enjoys spanking me, and I do love being spanked. I want to work past that panic mode, but I don't know how.   |
Paq13
New member
Username: Paq13
Post Number: 7
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, July 01, 2006 - 02:02 am: |
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I used to go through something like that where you think you absolutely can't take anymore. So, I told my gf at the time to just ignore anything i said other than 'tomatoes' and to just keep on going. 'panic mode' set in pretty quickly but i was more able to manage it bc i could kick and scream and do whatever to no avail while still holding the power to end it all. i never had to stop it before she was done, and i ended up feeling much better about it.
so you may want to set a safe word/stop word and maybe knowing that you have the ultimate say in the matter would allow you to give up more control during the spanking.
another thing that helped is knowing when the end would be. 100 with a belt is muuuch easier to take than "i'm going to spank you until i think you've learned your lesson"
either way, don't give up |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1223
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, July 01, 2006 - 02:16 am: |
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Have you ever heard of the "Stop Light" method?
Use the colors of the light:
Red for too much, back off
Yellow for easy it's getting to the red
Green for it's good keep going
Also, does he give you a warm up? Or does he just start spanking you full force? Perhaps he needs to start out with a warm up, easy and slow and then build it up till he can smack you full force. It's much easier to build your tolerance that way.
Let us know how you get along!
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Naughtylele
New member
Username: Naughtylele
Post Number: 26
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, July 01, 2006 - 08:14 am: |
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Thank you for your responses!
We have a safe word, but I never use it. I've heard of the Stop Light method, and I think that would be easier for us rather than a safe word that just meant "STOP NOW!"
He does give a warm up, but its usually a couple minutes. It would probably help if I explained that my bum isn't as tough as it is on "special occasion" and that we need to take longer on the warm up.
Another reason I feel it's difficult to fully let go is because we are in an apartment with thin walls. We usually turn on the fan (it's loud) and some music, but I still think, "Oh my god, the neighbors will hear!" It's harder to let go if I think there's an audience.
I appreciate all your advice...just proves what a wonderful community this is!
Does spanking help tame Bridezilla tamtrums? You bet it does!
Lele
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Blistering_blonde
Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 290
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, July 01, 2006 - 11:00 am: |
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How about if HE changes ..
the spankings could be a lil lighter ..but just as firm ..not as stingy ..and then you need to accept more since in this case it would be the amount of hits not how hard ..I find at times a long firm spanking lasts ALOT longer in after effects then a fast and hard one ...
or he could place a few hard ones along the way too..
just my oppionion
He asked what I needed , timidly gave it at first, now he just knows.
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 828
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, July 01, 2006 - 03:42 pm: |
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Naughtylele it seems to me that you are sending mixed signals. You want the spanking to continue but then you fight him when it does. It doens't seem like from what you have said that this is HIS problem alone.
You can't fight him and beg him to stop and then be sorry when it does. What is he supposed to think?
Can you explain your "panic mode" to him and try and make him understand that you don't really want him to stop?
I have to be honest...if I went into panic mode everything I got spanked....My husband would most likey stop as well.
I don't agree that he should change. He is giving you what you want. You need to be sure it IS what you want. Trust in him and try to relax, he loves you and he isn't trying to really hurt you. |
Czechmate
New member
Username: Czechmate
Post Number: 18
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, July 02, 2006 - 07:35 am: |
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I am worrying that your panic results from a loss of trust of your partner to administer to you properly, or that you are 'sub'consciously seeking to seize control?
Can you imagine that if you punishment was from a real authority figure rather than your lover you would be negotiating?
I experienced this with one of my recreational 'bottoms' a wealthy married woman. She insisted on so many rules of engagement that I started to doubt who the "top" was meant to be.
In the end I had to send her off to seek her wallopings elsewhere.
I suggest that you fantasise that it's your boss or lecturer or a policeman spanking you, than you might get the rosy glow you need. |
Naughtylele
New member
Username: Naughtylele
Post Number: 28
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, July 02, 2006 - 10:55 pm: |
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Blisteringblonde,
I would love to be able to accept more, but unless I fix this, I'm afraid I would end up panicking again anyway.
Tammynx,
You're right, I am sending mixed signals. I go into the spanking wanting it, and I *do* want it, but the pain scares me. And no, I haven't really explained the whole "panic mode" to him, because I would usually just apologize to him for struggling so much and promise (and fully intend!) to not do it again.
Czechmate,
The phrase you used, "a loss of trust in your partner..." caught me completely off guard because we are currently coming out of a very difficult time financially due in part to some poor decisions he made with credit cards and a lack of communication between the two of us regarding money. So I'm the one who handles bills and budgets, etc. I would hate to think of those issues (that I considered to be resolved) leaking over into our personal life, but perhaps I need to concentrate on leaving my control behind and putting it in his hands.
Thank you so much, everyone. Your responses have been very thought-provoking for me. I realize that I've been very unfair to him. I can't have a spanking and then resist it as well. I also can't expect him to read my mind concerning when I do or don't want him to stop. I'm going to talk to him about this, and probably show him this thread as well. We've agreed that this is something we both enjoy and want to do (more erotically or stress-relief than discipline, although we do that too), but I need to give back the authority to him.
I would love to hear more comments, and I will post what happens when I talk to him...now I just need to wait for him to come back from being out of town. *sigh*
Does spanking help tame Bridezilla tantrums? You bet it does!
Lele
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Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 655
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, July 04, 2006 - 05:01 am: |
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I just saw this post and I highly recommend Shylah's advice. It is advice that I learned not too long ago when I got into this whole spanking scene and it has worked for me very well.
Let us all know how it is coming and how the advice seems to work for you. BTW, all of it was spot on and insightful. Good luck!
Katie Spades: The Princess of Spanking
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Mhw3rd
New member
Username: Mhw3rd
Post Number: 6
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 03:45 pm: |
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I have been there and you do want to control the situation and therefore you are not satisfied later because you did not receive that submissive feeling of allowing him to control you. In other words, you are not allowing it to be REAL!!!! In real life when one has the authority to punish, the punishee does not set the standards.
What can you do? You are a big girl, you need to just to decide once and for all that what he spanks you for, or how hard he spanks you, or how long he spanks you is his decision and you need to ACCEPT his authority.
Yes this will be much more scary and hurt more then you think you wanted, but in the long run that's the only way you will be satified.
Yes it may hurt and you may want him to stop, but instead you need to take responsiblilty for what you want and just kick and cry until it's over.
You will learn to submit and you will learn that that is the only way you will find satisfaction. Otherwise, forget about the whole thing. |
Naughtylele
New member
Username: Naughtylele
Post Number: 37
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 09:35 am: |
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I know I'm partially resurrecting a dead thread, but I wanted to let you all know how things went.
We're married now and went to a very remote cabin for our honeymoon. No neighbors to overhear, so I could finally give myself permission to really holler and cry through the pain. And yes, he spanked me thoroughly and often, not punishment, just erotic and the bend-over-for-the-fun-of-it kind. Well, except for one occasion when we argued and were standing in the bedroom just having it out and finally he yells, "I don't *bleeping* understand you! What are we arguing about? Is this one of those times where I'm supposed to spank you because you're being a brat or what?!" At which point, I got really quiet and realized that the best way to clear the air would be a spanking and we'd both feel better afterwards. (For anyone interested, we were arguing because he woke me up and I am not a morning person, and I thought I had the right to sleep in. The point was, I am allowed to sleep in, but not be a b*tch about it.)
So he did spank me (otk, w/hand & hairbrush), and we did feel better afterwards.
And they lived happily ever after, I guess! 
Thanks again for all your help, I really think we're on our way to working through this.
Does spanking help tame Bridezilla tantrums? You bet it does!
Lele
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Blushingbride
New member
Username: Blushingbride
Post Number: 11
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 03:08 pm: |
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Good to hear you 2 were able to work things out. And congrats on your wedding!  |
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