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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1134
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, September 28, 2006 - 04:47 pm: | 
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This is something I've been meaning to address for some time but I haven't had much time for. Then I saw the banner for this site and remembered the motto I came up with for this forum: "A Friendly Spanking Forum For Adults."
When I started this site, I was motivated to provide a site that would be friendly and positive for spankos to meet and discuss adult spankings in its many variations. I'm worried now that we may not be meeting that goal as well as I'd hoped.
As long as a subject concerns adult spanking and meets the safe, sane, and consensual criteria, it should be a welcome subject on this forum. If someone appears to be engaged in a potentially dangerous practice, then a gentle inquiry or word of advice is expected. That's another way of supporting each other I expect to see. If we don't look out for each other, who will?
I don't want anyone to be afraid to post because they might be judged for what they do. As long as it is a legitimate topic that doesn't violate any of our rules and invites discussion among your peers, there's no reason not to post it.
There is an exception to even that rule of thumb though. It's true that I have found out we had some people here who weren't being honest about their lifestyle and I told them to be honest or don't post about it here. We're here to engage in real discussions, not be a place for someone to escape so they can enjoy whatever fantasy life they've concocted for themselves. That's misleading to those who are seeking truthful answers to their questions. I expect everyone to be respectful here and if someone is lying and thereby misleading others, I don't find that respectful to any of us. I'm not judging these people, I'm just asking them to be play by the rules. They can write all the fiction they want, I just ask that they contain it to the fiction area.
The sad truth is, we get judged enough by people outside our kink, we shouldn't do that to each other. So if you don't have any experience or interest in the area that's being discussed and it's not something you want to learn more about, then move on. There's no rule that you have to post to every topic. You can react to it without doing it publicly. Remember, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
The reality is, even if someone wanted to discuss the topic when they start reading the posts and see only negative comments, they won't post and will just go away. You might think your opinion is the popular one because so many others jumped in and said negative things about it, but it could be that the only people who might have discussed it went away hurt and confused about their own feelings. I don't want anyone to feel that way here. We're here to discuss, not form cliques or become a one-note voice.
I'm talking about all the different variations of spanking. There are so many different forms of spanking that I can't name them all. There are those who only engage in discipline spankings and those who only like erotic spankings. Some spankos engage in role-play and as long as it's not age-play, it's open to discussion here. We have spankos in dominant and submissive relationships as well as those in master or mistress and slave relationships. We also have members in poly relationships. Sexual orientation is a variable in all of these relationships as well. All I ask is that members be respectful to each other despite whatever relationship they happen to be in. We all share a common interest and we're all kinky. You'd think we'd be more tolerant of each other just for that reason.
Put yourself in the shoes of those in the discussion and pretend it's your kink they're talking about. Would you appreciate it if someone said to you what you're about to say to them? Just because someone's kink isn't your kink, it doesn't make it wrong; it just makes it not your kink. And if it's not breaking any of the site's rules, then move along. Giggle or shake your head to yourself, but don't put down someone else's spanking preference. That's not friendly.
I've been a member of other forums and I've left due to criticism of my kink. On one forum, I was too kinky and on another, I wasn't kinky enough. I wanted to make this forum one that was open to all spankos no matter which end of the spanking spectrum they were on.
There's so much overlap between all the spanking preferences that I never really understood why we have to be divided on these issues anyway. It's been a mystery to me for awhile now.
As far as I'm concerned, as long as a post follows the site protocols, is safe, sane, and consensual, and is about adults, it should be open for discussion here. As a group, we face enough prejudice from outsiders who don't understand what we could possibly be thinking by engaging in spanking practices. I feel like we should stick together and support each other in this lifestyle. For some members, this is the only place they can turn to when they have a spanking question. I don't want us to appear so critical that they can't post a question without worrying that they'll be judged.
I want this site to flourish and if we seem too critical I'm afraid that won't happen. And if we don't stay active, I don't see much point in continuing the forum. I want this board to succeed, I've invested quite a bit of myself emotionally in it. I think we can grow even more than we have but I think we have to be more inviting and encourage more open discussions. The negative opinions and criticisms have to stop before that can happen though. I have deleted some of those recently and I didn't like doing it. I can't see why we all just can't get along and be supportive of each other's choices in this spanking kink we share. There will always be differences of opinion, but I won't allow anyone to put down someone else because they don't share a common preference.
Any opinions on this would be appreciated, and if you don't want to post them here you can always email them to me at bethie@spankingden.com and I'll read them. I may not get right back to you, but I'll read them, I promise!
Thanks everyone for listening to my concerns. |
Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 873
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, September 28, 2006 - 05:40 pm: |
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This is the very reason I joined The Den forum last December - it was a friendly, respectful place where I got (and continue to get) helpful advice on the spanking lifestyle (have only been in it for 4 years), shared jokes, and most importantly to me....received a lot of support when I had my surgery back in May.
I have made some wonderful friends here - that's what I like about your forum Bethie - its not just spanking - its about the trials and tribulations of everyday life and how even "strangers" can made your day a little brighter.
When I was teaching school, I often told my 8th graders that when we feel the need to criticize someone, it should be "constructive criticism" - a very DIFFICULT thing to do. Of course we are not all going to agree on certain topics, but sharing our opinions is much different then putting someone down for theirs.
I think you have legit concerns Bethie - and I hope people understand what your goal is for this forum. I want to be able to continue to come here to give support, and receive it. Let's stick to the rules and enjoy each other's company. 
**only my 2 cents ** PS...Your moderators are awesome. They have a tough job, but do it in such a professional manner 
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1139
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 01, 2006 - 06:22 pm: |
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Thank you, Pink! I appreciate what you've said. I think some people have misunderstood the point I was trying to make though. Like you say, we aren't going to agree but sharing opinions is much different than putting someone down for theirs.
Here's my point: I'm trying to promote constructive discussions that explore topics. Offering different opinions is part of any discussion, but you have to have an interest in the topic before you can have a valid point. It's hard to make a valid point about something when one enters the discussion by stating immediately that you have no interest or experience in that activity and never plan to partipate in that acitivity...but here's my opinion anyway.
I want to promote constructive discussions; discussions that explore a topic, expand on the topic, or offer different viewpoints on the topic. To join in this type of discussion, you need to be interested in the topic first. If you tried it and it wasn't for you because it was outside your comfort zone, that's a valid point. But there are ways to state your opinion without putting down that activity or the people who participate in that activity.
For example: Someone says they'd like to know more about wood paddles. Posting that wood paddles are more likely to bruise than leather and you prefer leather for that reason; that's a valid opinion. But saying you'd never use wood because you believe that the only real spankings are those given by hand and delivered otk, is not a constructive comment. It's fine that you have that opinion, but that particular way of stating it is more a criticism of the activity than a valid point about wood paddles.
As long as it adds to the conversation, promotes further discussion, and isn't critical of the people who participate in the activity, your point is valid. Differing opinions can be valid, but not if they put down the activity or the people involved.
You can ask a question without putting down the activity. Curiosity can be a part of any discussion you have no background in or if you want to know more about the situation the poster is talking about.
You can voice concern even, especially if you think that person is in trouble. That's being supportive. What's not supportive is acting superior and labeling that person or being dismisssive of their activity or viewpoint.
Here's the bottom line: post if you have something to contribute to the conversation, it's positive, and it makes a valid point.
But first make sure you have a valid point. Posting that you don't have any interest in that topic, have no experience in that area, never plan to be involved in that activity but are stating your opinion anyway, isn't a valid point. That's not discussion, that's something else entirely.
That would be like me posting in a thread in which the primary discussion is about needle play. I have no interest in needle play, no experience with needle play, and never plan to do that particular activity so therefore I would pass on posting to that thread. It's not for me and I have no interest in it so what would be the point in saying anything? I don't even have a question about it that would add to the discussion. Instead I find a topic I can contribute to.
Am I making sense or is this as clear as mud?  |
Pinkcheeks
Advanced Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 882
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 01, 2006 - 06:28 pm: |
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Makes perfect sense to me
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1254
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 01, 2006 - 10:11 pm: |
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Makes sense to me too.
Thanks Pink for your vote of confidence that means a lot!! |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1373
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 02, 2006 - 07:37 am: |
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Thank you to Bethie for your hard work at making this an ADULT forum! I've looked at so many that were just downright ridiculous.
And thank you to Pink for your nice comment.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2756
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 02, 2006 - 09:34 am: |
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Bethie you make perfect sense, I think some people feel they constantly have to qualify their lifestyle decisions. I'm afraid it sometimes comes down to the inappropriate response of "if you are right, then I must be wrong," which is rarely ever the case.
That doesn't mean to say that we have to engage in every activity that comes along, but verbally attacking the poster is not going to get anyone anywhere.
It would be wonderful if all our lurkers would get up the courage to tell us what they are into without fear of judgement.
A word to you lurkers....no one has any idea of who you are, so don't worry about discussing any appropriate topic. Nobody is going to sent the spanking police to your house......wait maybe that is an exciting idea.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Buenaventura
Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 179
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, October 02, 2006 - 02:18 pm: |
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Really great couple of posts Bethie.Sometimes I wonder if people get up on the wrong side of the bed and that day a perfectly reasonable person becomes very critical.I take the good with the bad but it would be nice if the comments stayed positive. |
Admin
Board Administrator
Username: Admin
Post Number: 68
Registered: 03-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 08, 2006 - 05:40 pm: |
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I just remembered something I forgot to mention.
Please be considerate of all the people reading this forum. Not everyone is here because they have been into the spanking lifestyle for their whole lives. Don't exclude them because they aren't what you might consider a "real" spanko, that attitude won't be allowed here.
Some people come into this later in life, some had this desire buried deep down inside them and it's now surfacing, and others are here because someone they love is a spanko.
There is no need to differentiate between us. We're all here for the same reason, we want to talk about adult spankings.
In fact, I have to say the people who are just coming into this need the most encouragement from us. This is all new to them and to hear someone say that their needs aren't as real as someone who's been at this for years, isn't fair to them and it might even turn them away from the spanking lifestyle. If you're told you don't fit in from a member of a group, you tend to believe it. And that just isn't true! If you want to know more about adult spanking, have questions, or just want to share your thoughts, this is the place for you. It's not about how long you've been interested in this, it's about the interest itself.
It takes a lot of guts to come onto a site like this if spanking isn't your kink. It takes alot of love to come here so you can learn what it is your loved one is talking about when he/she tells you about their hidden desires.
I don't discount these people because they are new to this, I give them all the respect and support that are due them for stepping out of their comfort zone, for whatever reason.
Please help me by making sure everyone who is interested in courteous adult discussions about spanking is felt welcome here. It'd be greatly appreciated. |
Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1316
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 08, 2006 - 10:02 pm: |
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Good point!! I don't care how long you have been at this...there is always something new to learn!!
Thats part of the FUN!! |
Blushingbride
New member
Username: Blushingbride
Post Number: 5
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 07:24 pm: |
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I want to thank Bethie and all for this thread. I'm one of those newbie lurkers that have decided to test the posting waters since this was written.
One thing I like about this site is that there is a variety of preferences on here, and so I feel that if one person doesn't share someting of interest to me, someone else likely will. But it's pretty intimidating to someone like me who is only a few months into this thing when you see others arguing about the "right" way to go about it. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1406
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 12, 2006 - 12:04 pm: |
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Blushingbride, what is right for some is wrong for others. It depends on how you choose to live your lifestyle. It doesn't matter if you are only spanking for fun or discipline...if you are in a more intense style like bondage...it's what you are comfortable with.
For me, I have never tried bondage but have entertained the idea in my head. Someday I might get brave and try it. For now, simple spanking fun is what we enjoy.
Like you said, there is a variety of preferences here. It's just what you want or need or like.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1164
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 12, 2006 - 03:52 pm: |
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I'm gad you joined us Blushingbride! I hope others follow your example and de-lurk as well. 
There really is no "right" way to enjoy the spanking lifestyle so those arguments are never productive, they usually only serve to divide groups. We'll occasionally get concerned if someone seems to be engaging in activities that aren't safe, sane, or consensual, but even then we try to be supportive while we show our concern. I really want us to be supportive of one another. 
(Message edited by bethie on October 12, 2006) |
Atomicpuppy
Spanko
Username: Atomicpuppy
Post Number: 176
Registered: 08-2006
| | Posted on Friday, October 13, 2006 - 09:11 am: |
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Great posts Bethie and I'm sure everyone else would agree.
I have looked at several other forums and not really felt that I would be able to post without judgement or view my opinions without others critising me.
After reading many posts on this forum I decided to join as I could feel the friends vibe coming from the chat/posts of the members.This is the first forum I've felt like joining and have learnt a lot and hopefully given some good advice/opinions.
From time to time we are all guilty of making silly comments/putdowns,etc as we are only human.However it takes a bigger person to admit it.I,for one,am guilty and will try not to in the future.
New motto:Chat,Share,Help,Support and be Positive.
Like the advice about putting yourself in their shoes and seeing their view before posting,great idea.Will try that.
One thing that I have learned is that there is no right or wrong only opinion.Everyone has their own opinion.Therefore we should respect them for it no matter what we think.
I've made myself into a hermit from what happened years ago.I don't really socialize with virtually anyone,but this site has helped me discuss some things wih people I don't even know.Suddenly I'm starting to talk to people face to face and I'm going out now and again.Life is changing,as it always does,but now for the better and this forum is a small part of that change.
A problem shared is a problem halved.This I have found to be true.It is stopping me from bottling up my concerns/feelings,etc.As a result my Wife and I are finding a love,for each other,that was thought not to exist.More me than her.
I realize that there are people out there that care,that want to help,that can help so not to be afraid.
Thanks guys and gals
Atomicpuppy |
Buenaventura
Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 204
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Friday, October 13, 2006 - 10:00 am: |
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Hey Atomicpuppy well said and well met.I also have learned a lot here in the den.I often have very strong differing opinions but recognize the validity of the others.I tend to mellow here and learn.Glad you,re here Atomic as I am with everybody else in the den. |
Atomicpuppy
Spanko
Username: Atomicpuppy
Post Number: 178
Registered: 08-2006
| | Posted on Friday, October 13, 2006 - 10:31 am: |
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Thanks B and thanks for the welcome.It's nice to be wanted and that people will value your opinion reguardless of their own.
I'm still learning,as we all are,everyday.Hoping to make myself a better person,husband and hopefully not too far down the road a good father. |
Nicenick06
Spanko
Username: Nicenick06
Post Number: 152
Registered: 02-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, October 15, 2006 - 08:59 am: |
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Nicely and elgantly put Bethie.
Nick |
Nd2bspankd
New member
Username: Nd2bspankd
Post Number: 11
Registered: 11-2006
| | Posted on Friday, November 03, 2006 - 01:55 pm: |
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Just wanted to post that I agree with everyone. I've thought about adult erotic and disciplinary spanking
for years but just recently went looking for more info. Thanks to all the moderators for keeping this a site where you can really read and learn from "friends". Lurk or participate. Many other sites are just debate forums and advertising sites. Kudos to the den and all who make it what it is!
Pink Bottom wishes.
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Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 738
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Friday, November 03, 2006 - 04:30 pm: |
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Bethie,
I think what you've said it spot on. I think of this place as a great forum with great discussions, advice, and friendly members. I enjoy my time here and the respect that the members have for one another. I've met some really great people here and hope to meet some more. I think this site has more of a family feel, which I really like.
xoxo,
Kate
The Princess of Spanking™
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1457
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, November 06, 2006 - 02:46 pm: |
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Nicely put Princess of spanking!!! |
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