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Littlelotte
New member
Username: Littlelotte
Post Number: 32
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 11:20 pm: | 
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I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, I'm not sure if anyone has any advice. Hell, I'm not sure if anyone will really even care...but it's worth a shot.
I don't usually post much, but I'm on the site a lot. Just a lurker, I guess. Sorry. ;)
Anyway, my boyfriend and I have been living together for about four months now, and we've been dating for almost two years. No, we aren't married. It was never a problem until today.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, he feels like God doesn't want him to...do anything with me anymore. No spanking, no sex, nothing. Losing one or the other, I think I'd be able to handle. But having everything taken away at once...it's gonna be hard.
This isn't open for discussion, or negotiation. He feels like these things need to be out of his life, and wham! They're gone.
But...I guess my question is...how am I supposed to take this? His decision effects me SO much. It's not what I want. And we can't compromise. I can't even suggest a compromise. Because posing physical wants and needs against religion seems so...selfish. ESPECIALLY about spanking. And...what happens if, after we're married, he decides God STILL isn't comfortable with spanking. Is that it? Should I just give up now? I've been like this ever since I can remember, and I can't stop loving spanking but I can't stop loving him, either.
Like I said, I'm not really sure the reaction I'll get from this. But I'm in a very vunerable place right now, and this seemed like the only venue to talk about it. I don't know.
"I've always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely."
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Ma_vie_en_rose
Spanko
Username: Ma_vie_en_rose
Post Number: 250
Registered: 01-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 11:37 pm: |
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 Aw,you're always welcome here, babe.
Do you think that it is a permanent thing? It is kind of hard to advise you to do something like dress up in seran wrap or whipped cream or something when his reason is "God doesn't want him too." but could there be any underlying relationship issues behind it, as hard as that might be to admit?
I'd talk to him, you've obviously been physically close in the past if this is coming up suddenly, but perhaps you would be ready for the next step. If he's not, talk about why he's not. Hopefully he's not withdrawing because his feelings are waning, but it's important in any relationship to have open lines of communication.
You may have to respect his decision and gradually work back up through a sort of courtship, if that makes sense. In a way, it could rekindle things and help you both move onto the next level or come to the realisation that it won't work out.
Whatever happens, here's for the best <3 |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1151
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Friday, October 06, 2006 - 03:03 am: |
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I have a few questions, if you don't mind. Has he always been a religious man and are your religious beliefs on the same level as his? Is this new attitude about your physical relationship going to have any effect on your current living arrangement?
I'll tell you about an experience I had that your story reminded me of. It's not much like yours but it has one similarity so I might be able to relate to what you're feeling.
I was involved with someone for awhile and he occasionally would go headlong into a guilt trip and tell me we needed to stop the kinky stuff due to reacquainting himself with his religious beliefs. I didn't love him though and I knew I never would, so I was able to walk away. I'm a spiritual person so when he told me what we did was "wrong," it hurt my feelings and made me feel like he thought I was dragging him down into a pit of sin.
Well, I knew that wasn't true since he was the one who instigated a lot of what we did. It's not like I had to drag him kicking and screaming into our kinky activities, he practically led the way most of the time. But I couldn't deal with his guilt trips because I refuse to feel bad about who I am and the truth is, I'm a kinky person. There's no denying it or fighting it. Period, end of story and end of relationship. Like I said, I didn't love him though so leaving was an option. You obviously have more invested in your relationship.
Now if your boyfriend has decided the premarital relations have to end, that's one thing. The big question is, will this new attitude continue into your marriage and can you deal with that? It sounds like you two need to talk about what you each expect from marriage.
Good luck and keep us updated!  |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2780
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Friday, October 06, 2006 - 10:44 am: |
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Little.....you are 19, how old is he? My suggestion is that you hold off on the topic of marriage until time tells you how he really feels. There is no need to rush things at this point in your life, and don't think that a wedding ring is going to change things.
Talk openly with him and see exactly where his thoughts are coming from.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Ma_vie_en_rose
Spanko
Username: Ma_vie_en_rose
Post Number: 252
Registered: 01-2006
| | Posted on Friday, October 06, 2006 - 02:02 pm: |
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Bethie. What you just said is beautiful. |
Buenaventura
Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 190
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Friday, October 06, 2006 - 03:52 pm: |
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Pretty good advice Vixen.Anyone who uses God as a sheild in order to not do something natural like sex(Let,s leave spanking aside for a moment)obviously has a problem.Usually it,s their problem but when it affects your own intimacy then it,s time to take a step back and think about the future.Counciling yes but put your brain on extra alert cause it ain,t natural honey. |
Littlelotte
New member
Username: Littlelotte
Post Number: 33
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Friday, October 06, 2006 - 05:39 pm: |
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Hmmm...lots of things to think about at once, I suppose. Thanks, it helps!
Ma_vie_en_rose: I'm PRETTY sure this isn't about relationship problems. I mean, we have an open relationship, we talk about EVERYTHING, and except for this little issue, everything's been perfect. I kind of like the whole idea of a new "courtship," it seems so romantic. I will definately bring that one up to him!
Bethie: Yes, his new beliefs are going to affect our living arrangements, unfortunately. We usually sleep in the same bed, but now he's moving to a different room. Which was DEVASTATING, let me tell you. He was kind of my comfort blanket at night, you know?
Wow...I don't even know what I'd do if faced with an experience like yours, Bethie. The good news is, I know my boyfriend would NEVER use something like this to manipulate his guilt over to me. Putting my situation in perspective helps a lot, actually.
Fanny: Lol, does 19 seem a little young? He's the same age. We've already agreed that, while we enjoy talking about marraige in a fairy-tale sort of way, we won't actually GET married until we're both out of college. It's safer that way. I definately agree that the best thing to do is just talk to him, though. I was a little too shell-shocked last night to have much of a discussion. I'll be able to get some things defined a little better today, though.
Buenaventura: Hmmm...leaving spanking aside actually changes the whole situation. As far as the sex goes, I personally feel it's natural, as well. And a great tool for bonding. But...I dunno...I'm not actually all that critical of his decision about the sex. I'm an atheist, he's VERY Christian. There are always going to be some descrepancies there. No, we're not married, and a lot of Christians wouldn't advice pre-marital sex. I don't...really think there's anything weird about that, really. It's different from what *I* personally believe, but I'm all about the diversity. 
"I've always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely."
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Ma_vie_en_rose
Spanko
Username: Ma_vie_en_rose
Post Number: 253
Registered: 01-2006
| | Posted on Friday, October 06, 2006 - 09:46 pm: |
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I totally have to second the "not until you're out of college" thing. I mean for a multitude of reasons.
Importantly, once you get married, you go off the parents' insurance. Moreso you also are on your own for things like FAFSA et al. I've known people who have gotten married while in school and had to transfer to local community colleges or drop out just due to financial strain and "real world" stuff.
Plus everyone just changes so much in college. I was engaged when I entered college but.. well as I'm leaving it I'm not even batting for the same team ^^;
Give this time too, I know it's hard, but maybe he's just dealing with some guilt over something and will go back to a normal routine shortly? But do talk to him, maybe if nothing else you two can at least come to understand each other more. <3
bonne chance, cherie~! |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2794
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, October 07, 2006 - 11:26 am: |
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I, too, am glad a wedding is not in the immediate future. Since you say his religious practices are new, he may be taking everything very seriously and literally. You are correct about Christianity and pre-marital sex as I cannot off hand think of any one that promotes pre-marital sex.
This may just be a passing phase with him, or he may soon be able to set his priorities more clearly.
Life does change a lot between the ages of 18-25, as I am sure you are already experiencing. With the divorce rate being what it is, I would never recommend anyone getting married while still in their teens. The fact that you have opposing views on religious based lifestyles, makes it even more complicated.
I am another one who was engaged going into college and about two months in, I realized that he was not the one for me. I dated the next guy for two years before I knew that he was the one for me. Both guys were into spanking, so that has nothing to do with it.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Littlelotte
New member
Username: Littlelotte
Post Number: 35
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 09, 2006 - 10:41 pm: |
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Just as a really quick update for anyone who commented, things are SO MUCH better now.
Boyfriend and I sat down and had a LONG talk. Basically, I reminded him that the reasons I need spankings are far more deep and psychological than just sexual. I told him how much more secure I feel when he is my Dom. Plus, lots of couples have non-sexual spanking relationships.
He listened. And admitted he hadn't thought of any of that. We're back to spanking just like normal now. All the implements, and just as often as ever. I'm totally thrilled. Nothing like almost losing it to make you appreciate it!
"I've always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely."
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Nicenick06
Spanko
Username: Nicenick06
Post Number: 154
Registered: 02-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, October 15, 2006 - 07:28 am: |
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Alls well that ends well.
Proves that discussion is best.
Love
Nick |
Ladygator2904
Spanko
Username: Ladygator2904
Post Number: 280
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, October 15, 2006 - 05:50 pm: |
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Yippeeeeee.. congrats!
A woman`s heart may be filled with an ocean of secrets but mine have all been released and I have a sore bottom to prove it!
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Katie_spades
Advanced Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 716
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 16, 2006 - 02:44 pm: |
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Hey glad to hear it!
The Princess of Spanking™
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