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Badgirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 570
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 07, 2007 - 11:35 am: | 
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Hello all,
So as you know, my boyfriend and I are quite new into the spanking scene.
He will spank me in an erotic sense, as part of foreplay. But he has been quite clear on the fact that it does nothing for him. Rather he does it for me. This sort of sucks, because it feels a little odd... Sort of like I am being "serviced" -- you know?
But recently, I have wanted more. I want him to spank me for forgetting to take my pills. I want him to spank me for not going to the gym. I want him to spank me for not getting things done on time... etc. etc.
Knowing that he doesn't get off on it, how on earth can I ask for more? I mean it would feel weird enough asking for it if he liked it.
Help! |
Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 2379
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 07, 2007 - 12:17 pm: |
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I'm not sure there is a good answer for this.
Right now you know how he feels all you can do at this point is talk talk talk to him.
I'm not sure if you can get someone "into" this that just isn't into it. My ex-husband wasn't into it either.
Like you said it did nothing for him....he would spank me for foreplay for me....but it did nothing for him and he just couldn't/wouldn't spank me for anything else.
I think it just wasn't in him.
Spanking isn't something you can force someone into. My husband said in one of our very first conversations on line when we met...that he really felt that people were born into this lifestyle.
Some people I know try very hard to get into it for a partner and it works out. But it isn't for everyone.
Can you be satisfied with what your boyfriend is giving you right now?? Something is better then nothing isn't it??
I know this is hard...I craved it too...for years before I married my current husband...and it...well..it sucks to want something so much and not have it.
If you talk to your boyfriend and tell him how much it means to you...will he spank you just to please you?? If he does will it really be the spanking you want??
I'm thinking that maybe you may feel "serviced" as well with other spankings.
Good Luck with this I know its hard!! |
J397
New member
Username: J397
Post Number: 3
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, October 07, 2007 - 12:52 pm: |
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Hi there,
I think I'd agree with Tammy... hard to understand as it is, I think people are just into it or they're not.
I've tried with 2 long-term partners - one offered to try, but really didn't enjoy it - and it just ended up feeling cheap and nasty. It wasn't something either of us wanted to do again. The other just didn't understand and didn't really want to go anywhere near it. And it just makes you end up feeling like a weirdo!
The thing is that it's not just the physical act of spanking, is it? I mean, it's about the emotions and giving up trust and the person *wanting* to do what they're doing to you, rather than the sheer act of them doing it. If someone's not into it, then even if you get them so spank you for the things they've described, is that going to fulfil the desire you have? Or are you still going to be missing the emotional aspects of the punishment?
Sorry for being negative! It's really really tough... it's hard enough to find someone in real life without needing them to be into this 'kink' too.
Good luck with it all... |
Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 1420
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, October 07, 2007 - 01:14 pm: |
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I don't think I can add much more then what Tammy and J397 have already said. I am sure it is frustrating for you - and now that you want "more" then erotic spankings (sounds to me as if you are asking for discipline), this gentleman may not understand and/or want to participate. If he has already been "quite clear" to you about his feelings, I don't think that a serious spanking for a particular offense will happen. I think I might be one of the lucky ones Tammy mentioned in her response. I was the one who brought up the whole spanking lifestyle (to a husband who was as vanilla as they come!). He was more then willing to try, enjoyed it...and the rest is history. Although we do not do the "true discipline", he is more then willing to turn me over his knee if I ask, he wants to, or we both know it will lead to awesome lovemaking.
Wish I could shine a ray of hope here for you Badgirl..........maybe someone else in the Den has a suggestion or advice.
I'm pulling for you! 
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
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Petergrimm
Junior Spanko
Username: Petergrimm
Post Number: 59
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, October 07, 2007 - 05:45 pm: |
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So far pretty negative replies - and likely spot on in as far as they go...
So what can you do???
Rereading your post I note two possibly significant lines - "it feels a little odd... sort of like I am being "serviced"" and "it would feel weird enough asking for it if he liked it"
These are your feelings - perhaps the situation would be more bearable if you could reevaluate them and possible consider this in a different light. Sort of you can't change him but can change yourself approach.
On being "serviced". Is this such a bad thing? How many actions we take each day are done for someone else that we care about and not for ourselves? Do you really give a BJ because you like to gag and dislocate your jaw and scratch the back of your throat or is it good because it is so good for him? Do you have his friends over to watch the game because you really like to clean the beer stains out of the carpet and waste your afternoon acting as barmaid to a bunch of boys?
So much of what we do is good for us because it pleases someone we care about. If we took all of the "servicing her" stuff out of our sex, most guys under 25 would just as soon skip the foreplay entirely.
So he is doing one more thing that isn't perhaps what he would choose to do. Is he complaining or is that voice just in your head? Is there any hope here that IF you could get past the issue that he IS only doing it FOR you, it is still happening and you could be fulfiled with that? I know it is not ideal but little ever is. How sure are you that "he does it for me" is in anyway a negative issue for him, and if it is not then why would it be one for you? Would you be happy if for similar logic he denied himself BJ's or anything else you do for him that you don't really like in itself but only "do for him"?
On asking for more... More in this case is "discipline" If I am reading you right you are having some success in erotic spanking. The issue here I see is this - so far it is pretty clear to him what you get out of this spanking thing - basically "great sex" -physical gratification. (Which may also have benefits to him so he may not JUST be doing it for you after all :0) When you consider discipline spankings though, the motivation - why you want to be spanked, is not so simple. Clearly discipline spankings are even painful, unpleasant, and something the spankee will often attempt to avoid - but still wants and needs. Some spankees can not articulate even internally why they want what they do, let alone explain it to somebody else, let alone the one they want to be their authority figure.
So I have a question for you to mull over... Is the "it would feel weird" really that much worse because "he doesn't get off on it" or is this going to be pretty tough anyway and this is maybe just a red herring that justifies inaction. Please believe I am on your side and if I am offbase here, my apologies, but I am hoping there may be wiggle room in this situation. If there is I suspect it will come from how YOU mentally and emotionally frame it, not from changing your BF's views.
If he is not into spanking I think your BF is going to be more than "quite clear on the fact that it does nothing for him" when confronted with discipline spanking. In fact I see major difficulties getting him to understand that despite the tears, screams, and begging that may ensue, you still want, need to be spanked. I do not think that means it is impossible, but it is sure going to be a hard sell. And at best he is still only going to be doing it for you. It will work only if you can truly be content with that, and he has some pretty positive proof that the reward for you outweighs the negatives for him.
So how to get there from here. Yeah communicate communicate communicate etc... But the bottom line is you really have to work on what's in it for him... And the card you hold is what's in it for you.
Accept he is doing this for you. Reward him for doing this for you. Encourage him to do more for you and build on what you have.
To move from erotic spankings to discipline spankings is not too easy - maybe consider something in between...
Perhaps spankings help you feel grounded, focused, more mentally balanced, calmer? Do spankings relieve stress, or minimze your negative reactions to pending stress? They do for me and though we almost always combine spanking and sex, some people have "maintenance spanking" specifically to help deal with stress and life. Perhaps you can move from pure erotic spankings to this sort of spanking.
Perhaps you can show him that not ever erotic spanking has to proceed through to sex for you to derive benefit (and rewards to him). Perhaps with this proof he would consider spankings without sex - just to make you feel better, happier etc (which will have benefits to him!)
If you can move to where spanking in his mind is for your mental wellbeing and happiness and not just sexual gratification, then it is not such a jump to spanking as discipline which is much more about emotions and little about physical gratification
I hope this helps you put a different spin on it and maybe even adds a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel...
regards,
Petergrimm |
Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 2380
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, October 08, 2007 - 10:19 am: |
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Peter I don't think any of us were being negative.
Some of us were just speaking from expericence which is what badgirl asked for. |
Pixiekitten
New member
Username: Pixiekitten
Post Number: 48
Registered: 02-2007
| | Posted on Monday, October 08, 2007 - 04:04 pm: |
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My two cents for what they're worth is this...
My personal feelings are that an interest in spanking is not really a gray area, it's mostly black & white IMHO. People are either "into it" or not as Tammy said. An interest in spanking no matter what type, usually starts for most of us at a very early age and if we ignore it, it is a nagging unfulfilled need albeit for a Spanker or spankee.
For many men society, ‘values’ reinforced at home or even church, have taught them to not physically touch a woman in anger which is what many men mistakenly associate spanking with. For some men, opening up their minds and coming to a place of understanding of all that goes in to a spanking relationship is more than a struggle and is often something they cannot face or simply don't want to explore. For others once they realize that their s/o is giving full consent and trust have a whole new world opened for them. Others find it repulsive and shameful. Whatever the reasoning, the worst thing you can do IMHO is force or manipulate Him into spanking you. Resentment & alienation will follow.
For some, a partner who wants to be spanked or spank brings many new horizons, for others they will try to please their s/o but in the end cannot meet expectation because they're simply not into it, don't have themselves invested in it the way you might, and cannot truly relate to their s/o feelings regarding spanking or discipline.
All I say is to continue to let Him know that you trust Him. SHOW Him you are willing to surrender to Him in other ways such as decisions in your household or relationship. Let Him know often that this is completely consensual and takes a great amount of trust & respect for both of you. Also, telling Him that at any point if he feels you need a spanking to guide you, you will go over His knees without question. While it may take time, you might be surprised by Him at some point. 
Best Wishes
"Naughty Pixies Always Get Caught."
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Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 1421
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 10:40 am: |
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What I love about this Den is the fact that each of us are able to discuss our opinions about a particular topic without being made to feel we are wrong, or should go along with the "group".
On that note...and this is MHO - there are those of us who DO fall into the "grey" area as Pixie mentioned. Yes, there are those who have been "into" spankings for what could be considered a lifetime, but there are those out there who have recently discovered this lifestyle, and enjoy it. I had no interest in spanking when I was younger - neither did my husband, but we do now. Does that make us any different then those who have been participating for years and years?
Pixie makes some very valid points about men and our value system of "not striking" a woman. Also, she is right when she says that there are many men who often see spanking as "something they cannot face or simply don't want to explore". Like I mentioned in my first post, I was lucky enough to find a man who, once we explored and communicated our wants and feelings, had a whole new world open up to him (and me).
In no way did I mean to be negative to Badgirl - on the contrary - we are just speaking from experience - and what better way to learn from one another, right?
I, too, do not believe a man should be forced or manipulated into becoming a spanker. Trust and communication are both important elements to any kind of relationship. Badgirl's BF may come around, he may not. Like Tammy said...there might not be one difinitive answer. Just my 2 cents
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
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Badgirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 571
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 01:15 pm: |
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Thank you everybody, for your advice and your support. I really appreciate it.
At the same time, though, I can't help but feel so very disappointed. I guess I was hoping for a magical wave of a wand, or something. Or at least an easier answer. <sigh>
I am taking a little time to process what everyone has said, and I promise a real response at some time in the near future.
In the meantime though, can you tell me what MHO and IMHO mean? (somedays I feel so clueless)
Thanks again! |
Pixiekitten
Junior Spanko
Username: Pixiekitten
Post Number: 54
Registered: 02-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 01:30 pm: |
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Valid points Pinkcheeks and please let me say that I did not mean to discount anyone who discovered their interest in spanking later on by any means. Everyone comes into it in their own way and makes it work in their own way. Each situation is special & valid and deserves the utmost respect & support IMO. I was merely focusing on my personal experience for the most part. The lack of "grey area" I was speaking of was not referring to when we started realizing/practicing spanking in our lives but rather BadGirl's comment: "But he has been quite clear on the fact that it does nothing for him."-My point was, this may never change and then again...it might. Tammy IS right, there is no definitive answer, except maybe patience.
Best Wishes
"Naughty Pixies Always Get Caught."
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Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 1422
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 02:20 pm: |
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Hi Badgirl...
IMHO means "in my humble opinion"
MHO means "my humble opinion"
Please don't be disappointed - remember that what you read here are our opinions - nothing is ever written in stone. Pixie is so right when she says that each of us has a special situation, all valid and deserving of respect. Don't give up or throw in the towel yet - it's smart to take the time to think and digest. Wouldn't life be great if what we wanted just happened -without glitches or problems? Keep us informed, and remember, we are here to support you!
Pixie - thanks for your response I guess I must have misinterrupted what you said. No harm done
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
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Pixiekitten
Junior Spanko
Username: Pixiekitten
Post Number: 58
Registered: 02-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 - 02:50 pm: |
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"Pixie - thanks for your response I guess I must have misinterrupted what you said. No harm done"
Pink-Not at all
"Naughty Pixies Always Get Caught."
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Buenaventura
Advanced Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 826
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 - 09:22 pm: |
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My two cents Badgirl!Have him sit down and read all these opinions and discuss them with him.To see so many varied opinions about spankings by spankers and spankees might help. |
Badgirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 575
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 - 10:45 pm: |
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Thanks again everyone.
Peter, you may be right about changing how I approach things. I will need to think on that for a bit. Buena, I don't think I could show him this posting. I think it would be inconsdierate, considering how he feels about the whole thing. Ladies, thanks for the encouragement and support and the words of patience.
All that said, I think I may just table this for a bit. I would like it, but it's not worth messing up the relationship right now. Let's hope I can live with that.... |
Badgirl
Advanced Spanko
Username: Badgirl
Post Number: 599
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 30, 2007 - 11:54 am: |
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Hello all,
A quick update. Things have taken a turn for the better.
I think part of it, was as Peter pointed out, changing how I think about things. When getting my spankings, I try to change my perspective from what he must be thinking, to how wonderful it is that he does this for me. Or more recently, just to "ow!"  {He has developped a martial art-type precision strike. I swear the first whack, I am fine, the second whack stings, and the third has me jumping and moving }
A part of it also had to do with what Tammy said, about questioning how important this was to me. Am I prepared to live without it? Am I prepared to wait for him to come around? The answer to both of those was yes. And I think when I stopped fixating on it, it came more easily to him.
So for the moment, our spankings are limited to foreplay/erotic type. It doesn't always lead to sex, though. And I am getting more frequent walk-bys, so to speak. Also, he is playing with the idea of discipline. When he says he is going to spank me, I have taken to asking "why", and he is good about making up an answer... I think this is getting him to think about reasons for it, as every once in a while he says to me "that is going to get you a spanking later"...
All in all, I am happy. Things are not quite perfect, but nothing ever is really. And things are good, which is plenty.
Thanks to everyone for their input and all. It meant a lot, and helped to hear from all of you. |
Happy2007
New member
Username: Happy2007
Post Number: 6
Registered: 11-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 01, 2008 - 09:38 am: |
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Be very patient. It sounds as though he may be coming along in his own timing. He seems already to have seen the difference in you after adding it to your sex life. As time goes on, he will continue to like what he sees. You may even get your first disciplinary spanking without expecting it. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3394
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - 03:34 pm: |
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When we first started into a bit of DD, we both made a list of five things that we thought I could use some help with. After we wrote the lists independently, we compared lists and there were three things we agreed on. We choose to deal with those issues first. We knew it was consentual from both sides and both felt it would help our relationship.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Michelle
New member
Username: Michelle
Post Number: 3
Registered: 01-2008
| | Posted on Sunday, January 20, 2008 - 08:11 pm: |
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My husband is not a spanko, either. But over the years, as I asked to be spanked more and more, it is coming more easily to him. Sometimes very easily. Like the other night when I used bad grammar intentionally. He got up from the table, came over and spanked me some good ones! Basically, I found the Pavlov's dog method worked. Hubby gets rewarded when he spanks me. Now he associates spanking with good things, like hot sex. Especially during the Spank Week when I write my stories for the website. And this is Spank Week and he's very excited because he knows he gets much more sex during this time. But he still questions why I keep buying more implements. Why would I want a cane? Why would I want ANOTHER paddle. Of course, now I smirk at him when he asks and I say "WRITE-OFF!" And "Field Research". Luckily, I make money with my fantasies, so somehow this has made it more palatable in his eyes. But it did take some time. Sounds like the same approach is working for you. And I'm glad. |
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