| Author |
Message |
    
Catalyst
New member
Username: Catalyst
Post Number: 1
Registered: 08-2008
| | Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 - 05:30 am: | 
|
I'm new here. I'm a married man and I've always loved giving spankings. I can't tell you how nice it is to find a community of people where I can discuss it freely.
I've spanked my wife and before that several of my ex-girlfriends. I've always felt a little guilty about my obsession with spanking. My perception is that most women in a sexual relationship will consent to a mild spanking and enjoy it, but that often this is done to "spice things up". For me, such dabbling just makes me want more, more, more.
I deeply love my wife, but I worry that I crave what she merely tolerates. There are times when she says she "hates" being spanked, compared to only a handful of times when she's asked me to spank her. Most of the time I ask her and she agrees fairly easily or we make a quid-pro-quo. Lately, our "deal" is that she will be spanked if she drinks. Frankly, I'd rather spank her sober, but I need it too much to pass on this deal. I feel a little bit of guilt that my cravings push her to do it more often and harder than she really wants to.
It seems like I have three options: spank less, "sell" it to her better, or continue to push it. I should be clear I would only EVER do a consensual spanking. But I'd rather do an enthusiastic spanking, which is a bit more than mere consent. I've actually declined to spank her once or twice when she got in position, but I could tell her mindset was all wrong. I've also failed to recognize this situation once or twice, and I hurt her emotionally and I felt terrible and had to win her trust back. I want her to feel empowered, loved, attended to, and craved when I spank her. I don't know if she feels these things. She won't say that she does, but she seems to agree to be spanked a lot. Maybe she recognizes that I love it and tolerates it. The spanker in me tells me to do it as often as she'll consent and that she'll have to deal with it by figuring out what it means and how intensely I crave her.
I'm sure I'm not the first person here to be in this situation. Does anybody have any advice for me? |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3543
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 - 03:40 pm: |
|
Hello Catalyst and welcome to the Den. You are absolutely correct, you are not alone in your situation. Some of the general population have a love of spanking and others "don't understand" why some of us have this genuine need.
You write a well thought out post that tells me you are a man who understands your needs, but is always very much aware of your wife's feelings. There is never a reason to feel guilty about your enjoyment of spanking, because it is probably the most popular of fetishes. You are not alone, and I am glad you have joined us to get the support you need to feel "normal".
Your wife sounds wonderful in trying to accommodate your desires, but your frustration is evident. I'm sorry that there is no easy answer to your situation.
No doubt others here will offer suggestions and share their own experiences, but this is a decision that is personal to you. I wish you well as you sort this problem out.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
|
Catalyst
New member
Username: Catalyst
Post Number: 3
Registered: 08-2008
| | Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 - 06:06 pm: |
|
Thanks for the kind words. I'd love to get her to read some of these forums. It might help her understand me.
I'm also curious if the enjoyment of being a spankee is something that you are "just born with", or if it can ever be an acquired taste. My wife has asked me for spankings on a rare occasion and she used to ask me to tie her up. There are times when I ask and she says yes with no hesitation. I think she's got a bit of a negative self body image at the moment giving her somewhat of a barrier for her.
I think I need to be better able to explain to her how I see spanking relating to intimacy and trust between us. This site is great for trying to understanding this. She seems to understand that I have absolutely no interest in a "wandering eye" when she cooperates. If anything, my slight guilt may help me here as I truly have no desire to stray, as the thought of explaining myself to someone besides my wife does not interest me, nor do I expect a stranger could possibly compete with what my wife offers me (even as I thirst for more).
I've also taken to giving her massages now after some of our sessions. She seems baffled by the fact that I want to spank her one minute and make her feel great the next. This seems totally natural to me. Also, a routine seems to help. I'd probably want more implements otherwise, but by having just one (a leather paddle) it removes an opportunity to question if I'm crossing a boundary. It seems if she knows exactly what to expect and I execute it repeatably, she is much more comfortable. I could be SO MUCH more creative though... *grin*. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3544
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, August 18, 2008 - 05:01 pm: |
|
Your question about spanking enjoyment is a good one and has been discussed in depth, with no conclusive answer. There are many who have memories of desires going way back and some of us who didn't discover our interest until later.
I can't say that I acquired the taste for it, but can say that I did not know I had the desire until the first time my husband (boyfriend at the time) spanked me. It was a total shock with no warning and it was applied OTK on my jeans. I didn't know what to think, but the next day I realized that it excited me. We have been at it since then, but at varying levels. There are times in a long term relationship when real life gets in the way or one or the other person temporarily decreases their interest.
If you ask enough women, you will realize that most of us have a negative body image and when we are not feeling active, it can be inhibiting. Let her know you enjoy her body just the way it is. Women can believe that our men love us, but we always question if we look "good enough". I don't think society is going to ever let us get past that one.
Invite her to do a bit of reading here and maybe she will want to post some of her own questions or concerns. It may seem baffling to her that you want to spank her one minute and pleasure her the next. Those of us here can see both activities as being the same. By nature, the blood flow and warm sensation of a spanking spread to pleasurable areas and it can all blend into an exciting experience.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
|
Catalyst
New member
Username: Catalyst
Post Number: 4
Registered: 08-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 01:12 am: |
|
Before last night's activities (three sessions totaling 75 swats) we agreed that she and not I would have final say on the intensity of the swats, and that she would give me feedback by saying either "harder", "softer", or "pause". Strangely, she didn't do either, but instead used the safe word merely as a request to pause. We've only recently added the safe word, as I've always thought of it as a BDSM technique and until this summer she would only dabble in erotic spankings where we kept it playful. I've always just expected her to tell me in her own words if she had feedback. We added it because I'm trying out voice control techniques where I want to stress her and have her vocalize words or orgasm sounds and so I want to control how she will give me routine feedback.
Anyway, I don't particularly like her using the safe word the way she did as I'm kind of relying on it to be her way to tell me that she is in serious distress. It seems to me that if I do my job right, I should never hear the safe word. I suspect that what happened is that I simply overwhelmed her with a new protocol and that she was lost in focus and said the only thing she could remember.
Interestingly, she revealed to me for the first time (we've been married nine years, together 11) that in college she had used a flogger on a boyfriend about a dozen times and that he had used it on her once and that she loved it. He was shocked by her liking it, and that they broke up very soon thereafter. I was stunned. I took this as a very good sign. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 2161
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 04:08 am: |
|
HI Catalyst
In the past I have suggested to others of using the "stop light" method. While the spanking is going on, she can give you the colors to let you know how she is feeling.
Green for it's ok and continue
Yellow to let you know that it's getting a bit intense and to back off a bit
Red for too much and to stop
It's worked very well for those that have only started out with spankings or for those that have been at it for awhile but seem to have trouble communitating.
Good luck!
How come you never see the headline "Physic wins lottery"??
|
|
Spanking Discussion Area