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Shelly
New member
Username: Shelly
Post Number: 3
Registered: 02-2009
| | Posted on Friday, May 01, 2009 - 04:34 pm: | 
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My husband will spank me occasionally, he knows I love it; he is even making me a paddle for our 5th anniversary. The problem is want to be spanked more, but feel like I would be asking too much of him. I know he could live just as happily without spanking as he does with spanking so I don’t want to push to hard so he feels pressured because I worry he will no longer enjoy it at all.
So that is my dilemma, and I’m hoping for some guidance to me over this bump and back to more open communications
First I was wondering if any of you felt like you were asking too much while trying to lead a partner into this lifestyle and what did you do about this feeling?
I think a big part of my insecurity is because I don’t understand what a spanker is feeling. I understand why I love being spanked, it’s feelings like butterflies in your tummy waiting for the spanking to start, the heat that begins in your bottom and spreads between your legs or feeling completely stress free by the time the spanking is over. I would love to hear from spankers, what do you enjoy about spanking and did you always enjoy spanking or was it an acquired taste? |
Subbie
Advanced Spanko
Username: Subbie
Post Number: 206
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, May 02, 2009 - 06:55 am: |
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Shelly,
You need to talk to your husband, think of it this way, does he know what you want, for us it's pillow talk,we can't find a better place to talk to each other than be snuggled up in bed,or candles and wine while in the tub together
Why we want to be spanked can vary from person to person, what will work for you and your husband may be different than what works for me and my husband.
We have found that our spanking life has envolved over time, to start with it was just sexual, and it still is sexual but it also has become a way of getting along better too. I love the power and the control he has over me. keeps me focused on my resonsabilities and I know I have limits on spending money,keeping up with my house work, as well as knowing what will happen when I get a bitch on.that one and not staying within the budget earns me more than just a few trips up stairs for a good talkinmg too and a painful spanking.
For my husband he says a good spanking every so often, mostly one a week, helps to keep me in line.this is a second marriage for the both of us and we vowed we would do anything to make it work,
Talking to each other is so important, you can't expect him to know what you are thinking or wanting, pick the right time and place to have your heart to heart talks.you have to understand that he is just like you, he and he has his wants and desires too.
I started having submissive feelings back in my first marriage but never said anything about them, although that didn't have anything to do with our divorce.( his drinking did)
Wish you well and let us know how things go...subbie
my name says it all
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Slavegirl
Spanko
Username: Slavegirl
Post Number: 22
Registered: 09-2008
| | Posted on Sunday, May 03, 2009 - 06:42 am: |
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shelly from what you say you should absolutely be open with him.
you don't say whether you think he likes spanking you or whether he just does it becasue he wants to please you.
if he likes spanking you, he should not have a problem doing it more often. he may think you don't want it too often and is frightened to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. so you can put him right!
if he just does it to please you but doesn't actually enjoy it much himself then having had an open discussion, respect this. in any case i suspect you will reach a compromise where he spanks you more often if not as much as you would like.
he is obviously fond of you if he is making a paddle so you have nothing to lose by broaching your feelings.
lastly, you don't say whether spankings are for punsishment or for the erotic dimension. if the latter, you could help him in the direction you want by making sure he has great sex afterwards, perhaps in a different position to usual, or somethimes giving him something you normally don't, a blowjob say, which english girls like me are not usually keen on, or anal. a tip if it is anal, for a few days beforehand open yourself up with an anal dildo - it will be more comfortable for both of you when you get down to the action. don't use a normal dildo. this will strech the anus to the vagina size, which will be uncomfortable for you and defeat the point for him, which is that the anus is tighter than the vagina, especially if you have had children, and gives him a different sensation.
hope this helps and tell us how you get on.
slavegirl |
Shelly
New member
Username: Shelly
Post Number: 4
Registered: 02-2009
| | Posted on Sunday, May 03, 2009 - 12:29 pm: |
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Thank you for the advice ladies! I agree 100% that in order to get what I want I need to talk to him, and I have no trouble telling him what I want… most of the time.
The reason I am having trouble this time is that I know if I ask him to spank me more he will. So you are probably saying so what’s the problem… The best example I can come up with to explain it is, AJ (husband) really, really loves chili, while I don’t love it I don’t mind eating it with him once and a while so I make it for him once or twice a month. If he told me that he really wanted to have it two or three times a week…. I’d make it for him because that is what would make him happy. The first week or maybe two it wouldn’t be so bad for me to eat the chili with him but by the third week I wouldn’t even want to look at a kidney bean. This is where my worry is, he thinks spanking is OK, but doesn’t really crave it and if you are doing a lot of something that you don’t love could make you begin to hate it and I am afraid that by asking for more I he will eventually not want to do it at all.
Slavegirl, you pointed out that I failed to include what type of spanking we practice… It is totally erotic at this point, and here lies the other twist… I am the one in this relationship with the crazy sex drive. It is so common for people to assume that men think with their penises, so AJ jokes with me that I should have been born a guy… He’ll say I have sex on my mind 16 out of the 24 hours a day, the other 8 I’m asleep… and I remind him that my dreams are X rated too, so I should get credit for the full 24 hours. I love it all, oral, anal, vaginal, at home in private or sneaking off to a hidden place out in public... Don’t feel too sorry for poor AJ though because he always comes out of it grinning like the Cheshire cat, but does sometimes tell me he needs a day or two to rest. |
Tawseman
Spanko
Username: Tawseman
Post Number: 75
Registered: 07-2008
| | Posted on Sunday, May 03, 2009 - 04:02 pm: |
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Shelly, I suspect if your husband had ample demonstration of how much it turned you on, he would like spanking you more than you like eating chili with him. 
Heck, I would eat tripe or haggis if it turned my sweetie on. Well, haggis, anyway.
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 2025
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009 - 02:53 pm: |
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Shelly, it's been a long time since I tried to lead anyone into this lifestyle (long before Dan came along btw) but I remember having the same feelings as you.
Since your husband is willing to go along with your desires for the obvious benefits and is even taking the time to make a paddle for your anniversary, I think you're doing pretty well! I think you should relax but be vigilant about keeping those lines of communication open. You've done pretty good so far. You've managed to communicate enough with him to take you two to this point and he's even moving along on his own with the paddle making effort. That is a great indicator that things are moving in the right direction. But you have to keep in tune with each other so he doesn't get burned out on spanking. It might not happen, but you want to keep an eye out for that just in case.
Is there any one thing (besides chili) that AJ really enjoys? It doesn't have to be sexual either. Is there something you can do for him that is just for him? Yeah, I know, he gets some benefit from the results of spanking you, but if you want to ask for more spanking, it sort of changes the balance a little. If you can indulge him in one area, then when he indulges you with more frequent spankings it could keep you from feeling guilty or worrying that it's all about you.
You could tell him how much you appreciate how he indulges you by spanking. Then explain that spanking is something you think about a lot and the more you get, the more you crave. You feel like you would like more, but you don't want to be greedy or burn him out on it. Feel him out and if he's willing to spank more, somehow work into the conversation that you wish there was something you could do for him that would let you show your gratitude and help you not feel greedy or that you're taking advantage of his good nature. He just might have something, you never know til you ask. Also, tell him to be honest with you and if it ever starts to feel like it's too much, he needs to tell you. Be very reassuring on that point, too.
For you spankers out there, Shelly asked: "I would love to hear from spankers, what do you enjoy about spanking and did you always enjoy spanking or was it an acquired taste?"
There's the most obvious answer, but I think you guys can dig deeper and come up with some more thoughtful answers to her question. It might help her when she talks to her husband. Thanks! |
Mr_blister
New member
Username: Mr_blister
Post Number: 1
Registered: 06-2009
| | Posted on Saturday, June 20, 2009 - 09:17 am: |
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A spanking for discipline has the purpose to send a message that "you have now crossed the line". The bene, along with the reward, is the immediate behavioral change which is to be the intention for both sides. So, we both win. Sometimes, just the threat is enough, with the understanding that the threat is equivalent to a promise. The practice of corporal discipline wasn't acquired. It just needed to be incorporated into a relationship for balance. It sets the tone and is a far better option than being annoyed or aggrivated. Now, an erotic spanking is, of course, a completely different story. |
Ladydiaphanous
New member
Username: Ladydiaphanous
Post Number: 1
Registered: 04-2010
| | Posted on Monday, April 12, 2010 - 02:14 am: |
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Hi.. I'm new here, and am struggling with similar problems..
My husband of three years is a Clinical Psych major.. Going for a doctorate. Our first several years were pretty awesome.. We hit a rough patch that ended in a gruesome and seemingly terminal seperation..
In our early days, he gave me the best spanking ever, and he always used to give me "strike"s which were IOUs for a spanking at some future convenient time.. (We have kids, so I don't have the luxury of spanking on the spot..) I love those.. He'd say it perfectly  He came up with it and everything.. I didn't get my Honeymoon spanking, lol, but that was okay.. We had a lot going on.. But recently he has decided first on no spankings ever again, and now on compromise spankings, because the concept of punishing me has started this inner battle with him.. I absolutely love erotic spankings, but I'm also known to get my "bitch-on" (whoever it was who called it that was a genius ) and can carry a mean-nasty grudge like no-one's business, and ache for my husband to skip the cold-shoulder routine and help me deal with my issues.. He finds the concept immature and while he points out I resort to lame excuses and gets royally pissed at me for using them, still expects me to straighten myself out.. I know I have days I am beyond out of control.. I recognize it, I just can't quit like that.. I think it's a testing thing more that anything else.. I lost trust in his love for me and I am pushing him to see what he'll do.. Will he keep working things out with me or is he going to bail in the end? I am not particularly patient, and so my bitchy-attacks are pretty heavily concentrated..
We had a falling out over me asking him about why I haven't had any in over a month and a half a few days ago that tore me up.. He initially told me that he'd be unable to give me anything, not even erotic spankings, because essentially I am not satisfied with what I get and it bothers him.. (I nearly died.. I can't imagine anything more dreadful than resigning myself to a life of imposed vanilladom...) Then, after a very dramatic and suspenseful afternoon he said he'd compromise and spank me hardcore for good behavior, sort of as encouragement, but that isn't really something I want.. I like the erotic reward type stuff there I pitched a big attitude not long after over other issues I have been harboring ill-will over and we parted ways for two nights.. He's due back in a few hours and I hope he's not too upset with me.. Argh.
Please let me know if you have any advice for me.. I am desperate to work through this.. I don't know what to say to convince him or where to find statistics to support my claims that it could help our relationship..
Thanks |
Yorkie69
Spanko
Username: Yorkie69
Post Number: 82
Registered: 01-2010
| | Posted on Monday, April 12, 2010 - 05:59 am: |
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Hi Lady diaphanous. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom. All I can offer is my sympathy as a fellow spankee. I sincerely hope that your husband comes round and helps to satisfy your need.
Yorkie
Nothing says "I love you" like a warm bottom
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