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Janey
New member
Username: Janey
Post Number: 13
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 09, 2005 - 07:39 am: | 
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I have this tendency to get all needy and demanding or shelled up/afraid when I start to begin a new spanking relationship with someone.
For instance, I just couldn't handle my spanking-only relationship with my current Dom and have recently decided to end it. Somehow I felt minimized and took his lack of desire for romantic intimacy as somehow being a rejection of ME.
I've noticed that I do this more when spanking is involved than when I'm with vanilla partners. Somehow that whole spanking element strikes into my core and starts to meet deep needs that I both love and fear.
Perhaps this merely shows my lack of experience and is something that the rest of you have worked out. Please tell me that I'm not absolutely strange! *yikes* |
Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 88
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 09, 2005 - 10:44 pm: |
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Janey, I dont think your strange at all. And I certainly understand this special kind of relationship bringing out all the deep seated needs you have. I have felt the same way...unfortunately, I cant answer your question since Im still working it out myself.  |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 108
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 - 03:58 am: |
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Janey, you're not strange, you just haven't found what you're looking for yet. I don't know much about your former relationship, but it sounds like you weren't getting what you wanted and did what you needed to do for your own sake.
I want to answer this more thoroughly but I'm a little tired tonight. I'll try again tomorrow, I promise! |
Phantomlillith
New member
Username: Phantomlillith
Post Number: 6
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 - 08:38 am: |
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Janey--I know exactly what you mean. It's not strange, it's a hard world to have a relationship in! And certainly a much harder world to have a satisfying relationship in. Spanking can add a whole dynamic that is extremely powerful... I know I go into neurosis at the beginning of a relationship sometimes.
Before you keep looking, think about what you really want--and what you need--and search for that. I would have saved myself a lot of time and angst if I had just been a little more demanding. I don't mean to say expect a Prince Dominant on a white horse, but put a priority on certain character traits.
I certainly don't have it all worked out, but being with a man who really clicks with me has made my insecurities melt away, even though he'd never thought of giving a spanking before me! |
Janey
New member
Username: Janey
Post Number: 15
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 - 03:52 pm: |
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Thanks for the advice and observations so far!
I've been pondering these issues for a while. Aside from the whole "am I too fat" thing that I've already talked about -- I've been thinking about what I want (and what I THOUGHT I had).
Do you think I should give vanillas a chance (as they seem drawn to me) or not? I come off as VERY powerful and successful in my real life -- so I think I have a tendency to attract submisive (type) dates. This does NOT work for me.
I can't tell if I should hang out on the kinky personals and see where it goes... or if I should just date whomever and try to convert them to spanking??? (so far neither is working, even though I'm not THAT kinky- more interested spanking and D/s than major edge play).
What do you think?
(I must say that reading blogs and watching how successful couples have done it does give me some inspiration and something to look forward to!) |
Fanny
Junior Spanko
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 80
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 - 04:58 pm: |
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I also have a strong personality type, and it has been important for me not to attract submissive type of men. I am in a long time marriage, but was very particular when I was dating. People who know me and work with me would be shocked to discover that my husband spanks me. We had actually dated for several months before the issue ever came up. Then it was a tickle and spank type of play. I think you should concentrate on dating the type of man you enjoy spending time with. Then slowly move into letting him make more of the decisions and playing a bit coy. I know it sounds manipulative, probably is, but then you know better how he will respond. Give him a "love pat" and see if he gives you one back. Let him see that you are not uptight about him touching you on your bottom. Many women are and he may wait for a sign from you that it is okay. Tease him a bit (nicely) and see if that gets his attention. Maybe he is not as vanilla as you thought. |
Phantomlillith
New member
Username: Phantomlillith
Post Number: 7
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2005 - 01:43 am: |
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Janey--pardon my longwindedness! A couple more things...
I'm a bigger girl. There are men out there who truly prefer bigger girls. I don't know your build, but whatever it may be, there are men who like it. So... don't let it bug you. You'll also find that, should you venture into kinky personals, you will be *swamped* with attention.
I used Alt and Bondage.com for a little over a year, and I was contacted by probably over a thousand men. Seriously. And most of them--like, 999 per 1000 or so--are utterly, totally not worth your time. Those sites are used mainly with two types of men, those looking for meaningless easy encounters and those looking for 24/7 TPE. The men who fall somewhere in between are very unreliable, at best.
If you have some sort of local networking site or local message boards, I'd suggest surfing a site like that for prospects. It cuts out the problem of distance, those sites tend to be free, and all kinds of people use them.
Give vanillas a chance. It's not hard, at all, to turn a man on to spanking you (and to move onward from that), if he's at all sex-positive. More men are latently kinky than you might think; I've dated a couple vanillas, and have talked about the subject with male friends, and just about all of them have had a little something unusual going on. I have always gotten into my kinks when the boy and I have been talking about sex and turn-ons, and the worst that'll happen is he'll be a prude about it and you'll know about it before things get serious.
I'm one of those strong-willed, highly opinionated women that most don't think could ever submit. I get some of the submissive guys, too. It's taken time for me to grow a pair and do it, but approaching a man really can work wonderfully.
Good luck! |
Passaspliff
New member
Username: Passaspliff
Post Number: 1
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2005 - 02:24 pm: |
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sorry if i'm butting into an all girl thread but i have a similar problem having done the marriage and divorce and having a long spanking fetish
i was determind to be more open with any future partner having taken the bull by the horns and showing some tasteful literature i find my new partner is interested and finds it somewhat sexy
the trouble is neither seems to know how to initiate it do we start by light slaps during normal sex or go for the more role play scene
i have to say as well as i instigated the whole thing i feel i should be taking the lead hear |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 123
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2005 - 02:36 pm: |
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Hi, Pass, anyone is welcome to post anything relevant to a thread so don't worry about butting in.
I'm not sure I'd be of much help here though. It might be easier to instigate a spanking if you start out playfully.
Maybe next time you're kissing, you can tease her about being a naughty girl who might need a spanking and see what her reaction is. You know her so think of an opportunity when you can play with her like that.
Good luck! |
Rocco
Junior Spanko
Username: Rocco
Post Number: 62
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2005 - 02:39 pm: |
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I know what you mean Passaspliff, it can be hard when you're the one introducing it to the relationship. I did the same thing in my current relationship and some of the same difficulties you are.
What worked for us just experimentation. We'd try something and see if it worked, how the other person responded, how it felt to ourselvs and so on. My girlfriend isn't much in to role play so I've started using D/s&role play together in a fun way. Like leaving her notes from the "principal". She responds well to this and usually finds herself OTK at the end of the day. Just take a chance, at the very least you'll find out what doesn't work. |
Jodima
New member
Username: Jodima
Post Number: 13
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 05:33 pm: |
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Janey, I can totally relate. For me, it has become important to build a relationship bond with a person first before exploring anything else. I agree with the others that converting vanillas may be a better route. So far I've had 0 luck with the guys from spanking sites. I'll keep trying though. He's out there... just hidden right now. He's out there for everyone. Just try to lead with your head a little more and less from your heart. I know, "Hello, Pot?, this is Kettle calling..." hehehe |
Janey
New member
Username: Janey
Post Number: 17
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 17, 2005 - 02:50 am: |
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I took the advice of giving Mister "Vanilla" more of a chance and found him to be wonderful. So wonderful that on our most recent date we found ourselves... otherwise occupied.
Hand to god, on his own accord, he slapped my ass a few times. (I don't think he knows I'm a spanko -- tee hee.) In my heart there springs HOPE that this was a latent desire and not an accident.
Let us see if we can foster this latent spanking thing. *twinkle*
Here's hoping for more spankin. ;) |
Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 132
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 17, 2005 - 09:32 am: |
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Oh wow, how cool is that? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you Janey! 
wolfie doesn't want Steve to be Queen, she prefers him as a Dom.
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Darwins
New member
Username: Darwins
Post Number: 29
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 17, 2005 - 02:07 pm: |
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I don't think feeling this way is at all odd, or out of step with people generally. I think this feeling never goes away - and I'm not sure that it should.
I think if the feeling ever does truely go away then maybe the relationship your in at that time is heading for trouble, because somehow the dynamics that started it have changed - and not in an all together good way.
Steve
Wolfie is the Queen of everything
Except
When I'm Around
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Janey
New member
Username: Janey
Post Number: 19
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 04, 2005 - 12:25 am: |
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Right after I posted this, I met someone I THOUGHT was vanilla.
We've been dating for a few weeks... and last night he gave me my very first spanking.
I just thought I'd let you know.. and thank you for encouraging me!!! And.. I HOPE that I receiving many more spankings from him.
heheee |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 217
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 04, 2005 - 01:13 am: |
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Congratulations, Janey! That's wonderful. I guess he turned out to be not as vanilla as you first thought.
 Yay! Your first spanking! I wish you the best and many happy spankings for the future! |
Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 10
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 04, 2005 - 03:50 am: |
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i haven' seen any refrences to other sites on this site,,, is it ok to refer to one or two with information on spanking, |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 221
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 05, 2005 - 08:43 pm: |
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Bigfoot, as long as the sites are about adult spanking, free (i.e. not a "pay site"), doesn't violate any of our site protocols, and is relevant to the topic at hand, I don't find anything wrong with mentioning sites that might be of use to others.
Also, please just name the site or give the addy without making a link. I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
And Bigfoot, I'm not saying I think you'd do any of those things but I have to say them so everyone knows the rules.
(Message edited by Bethie on June 05, 2005) |
Bigfoot1408
New member
Username: Bigfoot1408
Post Number: 12
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 06, 2005 - 06:44 am: |
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castlerealm is a d/s site that really changed my opinion of d/s.
it goes into the relationships involved in that kind of lifestyle,, really an eye opener for me..
i would urge everyone to check it out.. i have no connection with it ,personally or monitary. it is a free site, |
Beachley
Junior Spanko
Username: Beachley
Post Number: 62
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 06, 2005 - 09:23 pm: |
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Wow Janey congratulations - to find a not quite so vanilla is amazing and I hope it works out how you want it to. Plus first spankings are so wonderful aren't they.
The Spice of Life is having my OWN WAY!! A spanking would be nice.
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Kittycat
New member
Username: Kittycat
Post Number: 9
Registered: 08-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 23, 2005 - 08:37 am: |
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I was scared when I got my first spanking. I really didn't know what to expect. But it turned into great sex and now I look forward to them. oh, I'm such a bad girl! |
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