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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 29
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, May 20, 2006 - 02:37 pm: | 
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Today as been a good day. Our relationship is always strong but our journey into submission and domination is a roller coaster and a half. Today has just flowed and it's probably the best day we've had.
Two days ago however I was feeling undominated . It had been going on a while and things were spiralling downwards. Even on the best of days my tounge is loose . I started having a go and ended up being caned over the ironing board. Even tho it was stinging like hell, in my very best sarcasm I pointed out that 'he didn't really mean it and he didn't want my submission.' As I twisted he accidently cracked me really really hard on my waist. I called him something foul for hurting me !!! and 'couldn't he aim right'. I think I was just wanting a stronger reaction instead I got an apology. Well I just flipped. I grabbed the cane from his hand and snapped it in half.
I thought I was in for a real whipping. I was 1/2 elated and totally terrified.
I got nothing. he told me 'that's that over, you just broke your favourite toy' - bed time.
It was totally the right desicion but it took me a while to come round. We talked and as always we sorted it out until the next round !. I know it's early days but we are making progress.
My questions are ---
For those more experienced/or not. How was it for you in the beginning? Did you ever weant to stop?
and has anyone else broke a discipline tool on purpose or rebelled big time?
Misty Dawn |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 849
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 01:18 am: |
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Misty, hang in there, girl! Like you say, it's early days, you both have alot to learn. I'm afraid I won't be much help on this one though, I'm not sure I've ever been in your position.
I don't know if it's because I've had my submissive role matched by his dominance, but I've never rebelled to that point or intentionally broken a toy. Take it easy, you're both still learning. Although I must say good on him for knowing when to stop and not letting things get out of hand any further than they had. That's a good sign that he's taking his role as your dominant seriously. |
Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 30
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 02:44 am: |
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He takes 'us' seriously and 'me' seriously. In that he has never faltered an inch. I'm naturally, more dominant than he is (I'm naurally more dominant than most people I meet) but I also I have an incredibly submissive need. The submissive side is the one where I am content and the place where I feel me.
I want everthing ,all the time. I crave intensity in all things.
Where Wayne excels is that he won't just react and like you say 'let things get out of hand.' He reins me and and gives me focus. (which although at the time I'm not usually grateful it usually turns out to be what I really needed.)
If he behaved how I wanted him to then there would be little point to this. I would still be controling things .
I know he loves me ,every mixed up little bit of me . Its taken 15 years of total devotion(and 4 months of hard smacks on the backside) for me to believe it.
I also now believe we'll find our path be it this or something else.
MistyDawn
P.s This site aint half bring out my serious side I'm quite a jolly soul really. |
Victoria_wood
Junior Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 127
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 10:38 am: |
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I have a hard time understanding how someone can want something and then constantly fight with herself and undermine her ability to get it -- a phenonenon I see described a lot on spanking boards. I guess I am lucky that I have never had that battle. I want and need to get spanked and am deeply grateful for the spankings I get. I have never attacked my spanker or destroyed a toy or refused to cooperate or anything like that.
I have felt anger rise in me when I felt my spanker was hitting me incorrectly and in the wrong places. When that happens -- she's not perfect -- she generally apologizes, which I appreciate.
You have to figure out what works for you as a couple.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Beachley
Spanko
Username: Beachley
Post Number: 375
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 11:28 am: |
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If I'm in trouble which is very seldom, I would definitely prefer not to be. But Mr. B would never harm me.
However, never, never, never would I break any of the implements. That would most likely get me a spanking that I would not want to experience.
The Spice of Life is having my OWN WAY!! A spanking would be nice.
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Victoria_wood
Junior Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 129
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 11:51 am: |
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Or another type of punishment, like no more spanking. That is what would be most effective in changing my behavior.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2381
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 12:32 pm: |
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Victoria, you have it correct with that statement. I know that if I purposely broke an impliment, Rick would read that as our spanking lifestyle is over. Rebellion and disrespect would signal that it wasn't working, and he would be right.}
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Bailey
New member
Username: Bailey
Post Number: 12
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 01:08 pm: |
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I have never been rebellious in quite the way you described, Misty. However I have felt an overwhelming desire to "be bad", rebellious, etc. I'm sure it is because of the high level of submission that is expected of me (that is to say, total submission without fail, obey first ask questions later). When that happens rather than act out, I will just tell my Dominant, "I want to be bad." I will not be punished for *wanting* to be rebellious, but it helps him be aware of my mental state.
Do you keep a journal for your Dominant Misty? Do you tell him when you have thoughts like that, or doeos it always manifest itself in behavior? I think the only thing I can suggest is working on being self aware enough to express those feelings in better ways than acting out. I used to be required to write affirmations every day. The first one was, "I am here! I am now! I am safe!" the second was, "I express my strong emotions in productive and healthy ways."
Bailey
"She makes love just like a woman ... but she breaks just like a little girl."
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Ladygator2904
Junior Spanko
Username: Ladygator2904
Post Number: 108
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 03:14 pm: |
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Seems like you got a lot of good advice here MD. My first concern when I read your post would be if you broke his cane would you break his spirit? Even doms have emotions. My second concern would be what you say in the heat of a spanking. Having left a very, very verbal man I know what comments can do to the soul. I would recommend keeping in the cussing but being careful not to direct it towards him. A simple.. F**** shouted will help me to know what you are feeling. Well, I will get off my soap box now  I am sure you two will find the balance.. oh... lol I recommend a leather strap! it will never break in two, or three, or four 
A woman`s heart may be filled with an ocean of secrets but mine have all been released and I have a sore bottom to prove it!
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Victoria_wood
Junior Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 133
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 06:41 pm: |
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Maybe you don't really want him to Top you. That is what I might think, if I were he.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 34
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 04:07 am: |
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To all of you thanks for the advice.
to ladygator
-no it would not break his spirit. He knows I love him and can't always help the pain and conflict inside. That's one of the reasons we are doing this to try and help me work through my self destructive behavour and the 100's of issues I have. He has stuck by me no matter what I have thrown at him, he is my rock, his faith in us and me is unfaltering and for that more than anything I love him. We are working together and any mistakes along the way are just that.
To Bailey
Yes we talk, we talk all the time and yes more often than not it manifests in behavior( but it is getting less). I did keep a journal for 2 months at the beginning but we've had some big projects and it petered out. It's probably a good idea to start again. I love the positive affirmations bit. When I did write the journal it had to be a least 50% positive.
To Victoria.
Yeah the punishment was no spanking!
I do want him to top me and he knows that but one of the problems we were having is in me believing he didn't want to top me. That's why I broke the cane.
-------- " How can someone want something and then constantly fight with herself and undermine her ability to get it" --------
That it how I have always lived my life undermining everthing I do, setting things up for failure so no-one can hurt me by letting me down I've got in there first and Screwed it up.
Another reason for this relationship I'm trying really hard to change and since we stared I've made huge strides but there's a lot of baggage and hurt to work through. He is patient and kind and we are getting there.
To everyone else I know it looks bad and that it looks like it shows no respect. W. didn't take it that way, he took it in the way that it was meant ' Help I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what to do'. Like everthing in life I just express my self dramatically and do go overboard.
The main thing is he knows what I mean, he knows I am sorry and that I love and respect him and with his guidance & patience I am/we are getting there.
I've had these feeling pent up all my life and don't really know how to deal with them.
Thanks again to everyone, your words really do help even if like the crop they stung a little.
Misty |
Victoria_wood
Junior Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 135
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 07:12 am: |
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Misty,
So when it happened was it a feeling of rage that rose up in you? I've had moments of that myself.
Why do you doubt he wants to Top you?
Cheers,
Victoria
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 39
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 08:08 am: |
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Yeah, I'm very emotional and have such strong feelings swirling round plus oh I am so hormonal.
I hate the way my moods control me. I'm trying so hard to get a grip but sometimes- a lot of the time I'm just screaming inside. There is this pent feeling I find hard to contain .
I yell a lot ,its not awful it's just how I vent.
Spanking of course, and lots of sex helps me to release but sometimes nothing is enough . Writing helps also ( I suppose you have noticed I can't shut up!)
All credit to W. I say he is too soft and doesn't push me enough but this week one of my rules is to NOT to raise my voice. He couldn't have come up with a harder way for me to show my submision but hey I'm managing so far ..............................................
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MistyDawn
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Learning to love and loving to learn
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 42
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 01:00 pm: |
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Sorry Victoria I missed the bit about why do I doubt he wants to top me bit.
Well here are some of the reasons,
------I doubt/question everything .
------In the begining I couldn't believe he really wanted to do this probably because I was ashamed of my needs and I couldn't believe anyone else could feel it was ok to want these things. I was wrong.
------We've played at this before and he never really got it, he did it but he didn't get it.
------ He used to not follow thru' He would say this is how it's gonna be and then let it go.
------ He is so unselfish and doesn't want to hurt me and he took a long while to get that he hurts me more by not doing this.
------ If he's not asking me to scrub the kitchen floor chained & naked at 3 a.m or spanking me 24/7 I saw it that he didn't want to dominate .
I think we are slowly getting it, both of us, it's not as frenetic as sometimes I'd like but I'm starting to believe.
Amen.
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MistyDawn
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Learning to love and loving to learn
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Otter
Junior Spanko
Username: Otter
Post Number: 88
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 08:18 am: |
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I don't mean to complicate your soup of stuff here, Misty, but you sound a lot like me- on sugar. Now that I am off the sugar, I am still emotional and dramatic but I am not irrational and out of control or self attacking unless I have slipped.
Now, I do get angry during a spanking even if I need it and my food is clean but I am usually able to think through it and it is manageable. If I have slipped? Snapping the cane is something I would totally do.
Also, other kinds of addictions can give you this kind of extreme mood swings: caffeine, smoking, etc.-because of the highs and crashes caused by addiction. Just a suggestion from someone who sees a lot of familiar ground in what you are saying. I spent the first 25 years of my life thinking that's just the way I was, too. Now I know, that it's not.
Feel free to PM or email me privately as well.
"Sometimes love don't feel like it should." -John Cougar
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