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Message |
    
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 987
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 02:05 pm: | 
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I have had a situation presented to me that I would appreciate some of your comments and opinions...advice...whatever...because although I have been talking to this person about it...I'm running out of what to say to try and help her.
Here is the situation....
She was in a vanilla marriage and was very unhappy. She met a man who presented himself as a Dom, and their cyber play made her believe he was one. They got together, both making several sacrifices in order to be together. They are in love...no question there...and here is where the problem begins....
He seems to have lost interest in spanking and sex. It's been months since she's been spanked and sex is almost non-existent. She's fustrated, angry and is tempted to look for it elsewhere. She says she feel cheated. She thinks she gave up too much to be left without her needs being taken care of. She says she has talked to him, and he makes promises to do better but then nothing happens.
She suspects him of playing in chats again. She says she can't understand why he does that when he can have everything he wants at home.
They both got divorces to be together. She wonders if the excitment of meeting with her is what made it good for him. The danger of being caught. Now that that element is no longer there, she wonders if he even cares anymore.
She thinks she is being punished. Because she says she manipulated the situation in order to get him to actually leave his wife to be with her. I told her that he wouldn't be with her if it wasn't something he wanted as well but can't tell her why he doesn't seem to want to spank or have sex.
She doesn't want him to be a "performing seal", just to pay attention to her from time to time!
I'm at a loss what else to say to her. I've tried to be positive and I'm trying to convince her that finding another one would be a big mistake.
Help?? Your thoughts???
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Naughtyboy50s
New member
Username: Naughtyboy50s
Post Number: 12
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 02:20 pm: |
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She is a spankophile-He is not! We are a special type of person-She made a mistake. Stop right now and start over-It will not work out! |
Ladygator2904
Junior Spanko
Username: Ladygator2904
Post Number: 107
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 03:07 pm: |
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I agree with Naughtyboy! It seems as if the man she fell in love with was not exactly upfront with her. I had a similar situation. After I left my 23 yr marriage, I was dating a man on the internet. I thought I wantd to marry him but.... after he moved in with me I caught him twice setting up rendezvous with chat friends. It was an odd situation because I had told him if he wanted to meet other women it was ok, but not to hide it from me.. well.. he had a need to hide it, I am not sure why... so, to make a long story shorter, I dumped him. As to date, I couldn`t be happier. I met another man (also from the internet) we have been married 3 yrs now and everyday is WONDERFUL> Please let your friend email me if she chooses. She needs to dump the bf!!!
A woman`s heart may be filled with an ocean of secrets but mine have all been released and I have a sore bottom to prove it!
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 988
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 03:18 pm: |
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I'm sure your thoughts are sincere. But this is a relationship that needs to be helped.
It is worth saving.
I need to be able to support her through this difficult period. Not feed her negative feelings.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Pinkcheeks
Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 436
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 03:28 pm: |
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Shylah....You said that he has lost interest in sex and spanking....has she considered a medical problem? There may be something physically wrong and he might not want to discuss it with her (you now, that male ego thing). Since she has spoken to him, and he promises to do better, I can only think that might be the issue here. Does he tell her he loves her? She should not feel as though she has manipulated him - if he did not want to be with her, then he would not have gotten divorced in the first place.
It seems as if she is doing a lot of speculating. Have they been married long? How long has this problem been occuring? Has she thought of counseling?
Just my 2 cents for what its worth...I wish her the best.
"Thought I WAS being a good girl...really I did!"
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Ladygator2904
Junior Spanko
Username: Ladygator2904
Post Number: 110
Registered: 03-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 05:35 pm: |
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Perhaps your right shylah, time will tell all. Perhaps I should not have put my two cents in 
A woman`s heart may be filled with an ocean of secrets but mine have all been released and I have a sore bottom to prove it!
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Redhinney
Spanko
Username: Redhinney
Post Number: 435
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 05:53 pm: |
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Shylah,
Pink checks is right as a RN I can tell you thst there are many medical conditions that can cause a stop in sexual activites including high blood presure Diabetic conditions etc. The thing is that theses conditions don't cause this the minute you find out you have them but as the person gets older. Also undiagnoised conditions can cause the same thing. Dam if you listen to the commercials for Vigra etc you would think that 90% of the male poplution has a problem with sex. The first thing to do is suggest a complete physical for the guy.
Lets just say that the physicial turns out to be normal the next thing I would consider is counseling as a couple and maybe individual couseling for the male. Maybe some o fhis needs aren't being met and he is holding back becasue of this. I always try (notice the word try) to rememeber that all stories that affect a marriage actually have 3 sides his, hers and somewhere inbetween the truth.
remember no matter what the decsion is as a friend you can be there to hold her and wipe away any tears that she may have even if you don't say a word.
Love can't always be seen or heard but will always be felt with your heart
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 852
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 06:14 pm: |
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Ladygator, your two cents are always appreciated. 
Shylah, you say your friend's previous marriage was a very unhappy one and so she moved on to this one. Now she thinks she's being punished for getting him to leave his wife. It's true he might have wanted to do that, but still he might be feeling guilt that she's picking up on. It's possible his guilt coupled with the lessoning of excitement now that the relationship isn't new anymore, has helped form a divide between them.
Does she have proof he's playing in chats again? I had a friend who got her now ex-husband to leave his former wife for her and she always told me that she had to work at not suspecting him of fooling around on her. She never felt guilty about breaking up his former marriage, but she never felt completely safe in their marriage either.
If he's not spanking her, that doesn't mean he's not a spanko, it might mean something isn't right about it for him at this time. The same goes for the sex. She should find out if it's a physical problem. If he can't have sex he might have decided spanking is out as well.
Communication is a must if she plans to work this out. She needs to sit down and have a talk with him. Calmly and carefully, she needs to address the problem. Demanding he tell her what's going on because she just knows he's playing around on her is not going to work. That puts him on the defensive and won't open up the lines of communication at all.
You're right about the idea that finding another one being a big mistake. She needs to work on the one she's got. So it's not always going to be champagne, roses, and spankings all the time, that's life. I'm afraid sometimes you just have to deal with the thorns.
(Message edited by bethie on May 21, 2006) |
Victoria_wood
Junior Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 132
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 06:38 pm: |
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He could also have a problem with depression. I would suggest couple's counseling for them.
The marriage may or may not be worth salvaging, but I guess they should attempt to save it before throwing in the towel.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Subbie
New member
Username: Subbie
Post Number: 40
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 04:51 am: |
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wow, don't know where to begin on this, both have problems, and a lot of baggage. I'm not surprised that there is a trust problem given the fact they both cheated on their ex spouses.
The no spanking no sex, he either can't and needs help or doesn't want to, he may feel he made a mistake and the grass wasn't greener after all.
I don't think that going from one person to another is helpful, I think both need some professional help, wish this was more of a help but I just don't see them making it.sorry
my name says it all
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 989
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 06:24 am: |
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Thank you all for your comments either positive or negative. That's what I asked for and appreciate everyone putting in their thoughts.
You've given me lots to talk to her about. I have addressed the medical possibility to her and she doesn't seem to think that it is what's wrong. I am in the frame of mind that it's a mental thing. I think the guilt of their actions has cause a big divide and they aren't talking like they need to.
Now...just where do I tell her two spanko's go for counseling? It's not like they can go to someone and say...help us get back into spanking! She and I have laughed about this.
"Excuse me Doc but my husband won't spank me."
Hmmmmmm...it's not easy. But then relationships are not easy. You have to work at them constantly.
I just wish I knew the magic words to make everyone happy.
(Message edited by shylah on May 22, 2006)
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Victoria_wood
Junior Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 136
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 07:14 am: |
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Well they could pass it off as he is not interested in being intimate in the ways that she wants.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Tammynx
Spanko
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 512
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 08:40 am: |
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I sat here thinking about this for a long time...here is my best attempt at what I see going on....
In MY situation....I was getting divorced he had been divorced for a long time. I met my husband on a spanking chat site. We both knew what the other was looking for becuase we had spent so much time talking before we actually met in person for the first time.
After we got together...it was spanking and sex all the time.....ALL the time.. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. But after some time went by things did slow down. Life, work...things get in the way. I was resentful when I didn't get spanked when I thought I should be. I was hateful. I hate the way that I acted to get a reaction. It was a tough time...takes lots of communication like Bethie said.
Things worked out we got married. My teenage daughter came to live with us....okay that right there put a damper on things...no more spankings on the couch after dinner. Then I had a baby...okay one more distraction. Like I said life can get in the way.
Still we worked through most of it. We did have a period of not any sex at all before we got married. He was depressed...took medication and that killed our sex and spanking life for about 9 months then things got back on track...it was rough but we worked through it.
Now after being married for 3 years and having a baby....well..the spanking slowed way down..I guess it had to.
After having a LONG talk with my husband about this recently he explained to me that he really needed a reason to give me a spanking.
A reason....that hadn't occured to me. Yes we do sometimes spank for fun but not that often.
To put him in the mind set of spanking of a "real" true spanking he needs a reason. I guess I don't give him many any more. I refuse to brat...that stopped with the on line stuff and it was dumb then I didn't like it then and he didn't either
I didn't mean to write my life story....but what I'm saying is that NO life is perfect..and living this lifestyle isn't easy.
There were many times when I thought I'd made a mistake myself. I was sure this life was all wrong. With each new problem communication is the key. IF my husband and I didn't talk about all this....it would never have worked.
I'm not sure what to do with the problem of him needing a reason to spank me. We talked about it and are going to talk again more tonight. I needed time to think it over.
Shylah...if your friends can just talk about this be really open and honest I think they can work through this. But they BOTH need to be honest and they both need to talk. If this isn't a medical reason...maybe its a mental reason...you know there is something else going on in his head. Something your friend hasn't considered.
I hope this helps even if just a little. |
Blistering_blonde
Junior Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 69
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 03:07 pm: |
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hehe you asked just where could two spanko's go for help ..I could not help smileing ..I BET alot of those at the spank meets ...are Doctors ...hiding the practice
I say wait it out ....it could just be a phase ..we ALL go through them once in awhile ..It does not mean he loves her less ..just for the time being ..he is comfortable at where they are and does not feel the need to dominate ..top.. HOH.. what ever you wanna call it..or even sexual activity
she should instagate it ..smack him as he passes her ...make passes all day, and pat his rear EVERY time he passes ..get him thinking it .wiggle rear more when bending to pick up a dropped spoon (drop it 10 times if she has to) ..leave a brush near the coffee table , a belt over the bed , a wooden spoon on the counter ,the bath brush on the floor of bathroom , ..anything and everything you can use for spanking ..leave in open.just get the visual image in ...and ALOT of bending ....and wiggling ..and a few smart comments ..within respect ...make a few spanking refrences ..man did you see so and so's SPANKING new car ...I tried this coffee at the shop and it was lip SMACKING good , hurry up suppers on, slap to it before it gets cold
just plant the seeds and give the image a lil visual water and mental....
the wait won't be for long ...it worked here. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 994
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 03:55 pm: |
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Well Blistering blonde...that may have worked for you but in a mature relationship that kind of bratting is really not an adult way to handle things.
That kind of behavior will not solve problems.
I'm sure you are just trying to help but in this situation, it's just not advisable.
Thanks anyway.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Blistering_blonde
Junior Spanko
Username: Blistering_blonde
Post Number: 73
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 04:45 pm: |
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Sorry I was only offering another angle to solve the issue.
(I have NEVER been one who sees things just black or white .I think many options ..but most have been mentioned here already so I offered one that had not been.)
Pulls out of this conversation.... as it seems you have alot giving oppionions ..and ideas .
Good luck with this one ..I really do hope the best for her ...and you ..
Yes talking is best ..make a nice supper ...pawn kids off for the night ..pour her heart out ...move to couch ..TV off ..and just tell him the straight up facts ,...or heck copy this whole section out for her and let him READ how it effected her ..and how others want to help ..then talk.
hope she finds her happiness once again ..sounds like she has earned it at leaste.
AND I hope You continue to carry the strength she needs as her friend to get through this |
Cricket
New member
Username: Cricket
Post Number: 3
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 04:51 pm: |
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It sounds like you've been giving the best advise - they need to TALK honestly about their feelings about their relationship, what it took to get there and where they want it to go from here. I would also wonder about the mental impact of stress. Overworked? Overtired? Has he just moved the sex to the back burner to deal with "more pressing" issues of life? Either way, communication is still the key. |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 860
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 11:18 pm: |
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Shylah, you're being a great friend to these people, I hope they appreciate you.
This is a serious situation that needs serious long-term solutions. Like so many of us have said, communication is the key to this, but they might need some help from an outside source to get that going. I think if they find some kind of couple's therapy they don't have to tell that therapist about the spanking part of it. They have plenty to work through as it is. Besides, it sounds like the spanking and sex are tied pretty closely together for them so if they talk about the lack of sex on it's own, it might get them headed in the right direction at least.
There are no easy fixes to this and even if they were to have a quickie (spanking or sex), the underlying problems will still be there when the hormones have faded away. I hope they get through this considering all they went through to be together. |
Kennysspankee
Junior Spanko
Username: Kennysspankee
Post Number: 199
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 01:23 am: |
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I like Blistering Blondes ideas. If you just sit back and do nothing, that's exactly what's going to happen. Being playful and hinting is a good way to get things started. If that doesn't work then you have to look somewhere else. I'd try that first. Maybe he thinks she's happy the way things are going. Maybe he's waiting for her to lead the way. Maybe he's feeling insecure. |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 861
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 03:04 am: |
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Shylah said: "She doesn't want him to be a "performing seal", just to pay attention to her from time to time!" That means she wants more than just getting him to spank her or have sex, she's looking for a deeper connection. Spanking alone isn't going to solve their underlying problems.
Shylah was just explaining why Blistering_blonde's advice wouldn't help since she'd already stated her friend didnt' want a "performing seal."
It's disheartening to ask for serious advice and then get light-hearted responses or responses that aren't in line with what you asked for. And a post that starts "hehe" isn't likely to fall into the serious advice category. Shylah needs real world advice, let's help her out and let's stay on topic.
(Message edited by bethie on May 23, 2006) |
Victoria_wood
Junior Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 139
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 05:58 am: |
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I was in a 7 year relationship with a vanilla who stopped wanting to have sex or spank me. We went 5 years without either, and finally broke up when she cheated on me.
We used to talk about why we weren't having sex. But in the end when I was trying to fix things, my best friend suggested that maybe I should stop talking about it and just put the move on her. And although I didn't do that, I do not think the advice was so bad. I am someone who doesn't like to make the first move. If I initiate once, I figure it's her turn and I will wait literally years for her to make a move. So has your friend initiated or is she just waiting for him to?
In other words, while I don't think blistering's approach is wholly advisable -- I'd get annoyed being badgered like that -- maybe less talk and more action might be worth considering.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Gypsygirl
Spanko
Username: Gypsygirl
Post Number: 282
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:04 am: |
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For what it's worth, my opinion is that your friend needs to find out, somehow, exactly what her partner is thinking. If they can't afford counselling, then they have to do it themselves. I think the main question she's probably asking herself is 'Does he now regret their getting together?' and maybe that is what she needs to ask him? I think that it's a case of the way that questions or problems are posed that cause more problems. We all know that on the whole women are more willing to talk about how we feel than men are, if you ask a man 'Are you OK?' he will probably answer 'yes, fine, ok' or whatever, but if you take away the chance of giving an ambiguous answer, then he has to actually come up with a real answer. So instead of asking, for example, 'are you happy?' to which he will no doubt answer 'yes', perhaps she could say 'tell me how you feel', or some other question where he doesn't have the option of yes/no and has to give a real answer. Maybe I haven't put it very well, but I'm sure you get my drift. You could even tell her to practice the questions that she wants to put to him, so that she has an agenda to stick to and doesn't get too side-tracked by his answers, which is something that is easily done in the heat of the moment when you're talking about emotional situations. I did this with a friend once who was having problems with her husband. I piled up all the cushions on the sofa and told her to speak to them as if they were her husband. She said she felt silly to start off with and didn't know quite what to say, but at the end of it, she was crying and I almost had to rescue my cushions before she attacked them.
Hope it helps a bit.
I foresee spankings........LOTS of spankings
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Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 142
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:11 am: |
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Shylah,
You might not want to do this, but can you talk to the husband? Maybe you could act as a mediator.
Cheers,
Victoria
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1003
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:24 am: |
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Gypsy, those are good suggestions! Thank you.
Victoria...I am in the process now of getting them together either tonight or tomorrow to sit and try to get them talking. I have offered to be there and mediate. With him being a bit of a reserved brit it may be like pulling teeth but I'm going to give it a try.
Thank you both for your good suggestions.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 143
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:37 am: |
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You're a good friend!
Is there a clergy person in their lives who might give them free counseling?
Cheers,
Victoria
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 513
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:49 am: |
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Victoria that would be a great idea....but for the life of me...I don't think I could ever go to my Clergy and tell him my husband did or didn't spank me enough.....might be the last time I went to church. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1004
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:51 am: |
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Hmmmm...the Vicar here would faint.
Good idea tho! Bears some thought and serious consideration.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Mistydawn
New member
Username: Mistydawn
Post Number: 48
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:20 pm: |
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Hi, most of the good advice has been given and to me as with most problems it all stems around communication. They do have to talk and not just talk but tell each other what they really feel. It might be a huge misunderstanding or it might be that he isn't interested anymore. Good or bad your friend needs to find out and only then can she make any decisions about what to do.
One small point tho' if this man does have problem and issues if he's struggling to tell your friend he probably won't want to air them in front of a third party.
Also on the ------'he makes promises to do better but then nothing happens. '-------
Obviously I don't know this man or his motives and our realtionship is very different but if you knew how many times in the past that phrase has been uttered in or house. It sent shivers down my spine. I took it as -if he keeps promising and then doesn't do anything then he can't possibly mean it or want me. As I say it's an entirely different set up but thankfully I was wrong and through a lot of talking we got it sorted.
As to why he kept not doing it neither of us will ever know.
Good luck shyla
--------------------------------------------
MistyDawn
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Learning to love and loving to learn
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 516
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:26 pm: |
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Well the one thing we all agree on here is that communication is the key. Without talking things over and over and over....you can't get anywhere. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2385
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 02:29 pm: |
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Shylah, I really think that the problem may be me a result of any number of medical issues. I would strongly recommend him having a complete physical. If nothing else, he will discover that he doesn't have any problems and that may relieve any mental stress he may be undergoing. Both physical and emotional stress are going to play hevic with your sexuality.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Gypsygirl
Spanko
Username: Gypsygirl
Post Number: 284
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 04:44 pm: |
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Well, I don't think it's a case of lost interest specially as you say that other areas of the relationship are OK. It may very well be guilty feelings over leaving his wife, and that doesn't mean that he wants to go back to her, just that maybe now the heat of the moment and all the physical furror has died down (which it normally does after a while, let's be honest) then he's thinking about what he's done and feels bad about it. This in itself could lead to medical problems, whether he has a problem 'performing' for your friend and that would make him feel even worse because he would also feel that he has let her down as well, and the guilt starts over again. A never ending circle unless they can get to the root of the problem.
A difficult situation but unless he opens up it will never get resolved. You say getting him to talk will be like trying to pull teeth, I think getting a lot of men to admit their feelings is like trying to get blood out of a stone, specially on a subject so delicate as this.
She has to insist though, not hysterically, but calmly. Don't let him shrug it off and slink away, she has to force him, by her seriousness, to maintain eye contact and somehow get through to him. When he next says that he promises to try and do better, she mustn't just leave it at that, she has to make him recognise that he needs to include her in the problem so that they can do better together.
Let's imagine that the situation is as I've suggested, no way on earth is he going to voluntarily admit to not being able to 'perform' so I still think she has to ask him the pertinent questions. Do you still love me? Do you regret leaving your wife for me? Do you still find me sexually attractive? Do you still want to make love to me?
It might also be a point as to how joined the spanking and sex is. Although when they were getting together it seems they both showed the same interest, if your friend shows more interest in the spanking side (and I'm not suggesting she does because I've no idea) maybe he feels that she wants him principally for that. Maybe she's tried to initiate a spanking session knowing that it will lead to sex, but perhaps he hasn't considered that and thinks that the spanking is her main interest. Although they would never admit it, men have delicate little egos at times for things like this.
It may well be that you aren't a trained person capable of dealing with this, but I think as a friend your willingness to help counts for a lot, and your friend must think so as well otherwise why would she have come to you for help. Getting him to talk to you just might be a little more difficult.
Good luck anyway.
I foresee spankings........LOTS of spankings
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1008
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 04:50 pm: |
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Thank you Gypsy, I think you have hit the nail on the head.
It's not been easy helping her. That is why I started this thread...for ideas on how to get her to thinking. What you just said is very good. And I think I will put that to her. It may give her something to think about when she does sit down with him for that chat.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 2389
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 06:21 pm: |
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Thanks for bringing the topic back on subject, Gypsy. (Note: Off topic posts were deleted by Admin) This is one of those difficult situations with no easy answer, but a lot of members can benefit from the discussion. Who knows which ones of us may find ourselves in a similar situation.
(Message edited by bethie on May 23, 2006)
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Cheekychipmunk
Junior Spanko
Username: Cheekychipmunk
Post Number: 55
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 07:29 pm: |
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shylah,
I don't know how it affects everyone but if he is taking a medicine for depression it can kill all drive. I was on Zoloft and I didn't care about sex, spankings, anything except every couple of months or if hubby made first move. But now on Well-Butrin and sex, spanking life has improved. I didn't notice how much Zoloft was killing my intimate feelings until began Well Butrin.
just wondered and it may already have been in one of the post before mine. But....
Is there someone that they both know and trust (you or someone else) that can take time to talk to each of them seperately? I know it may sound childish but when I first married I sometimes had a hard time understanding hubby. One of his brothers was really close to him. So when I could I would chat with him and tell him what was bothering me and how could I handle the situation.
My brother in law would either respond by telling my how my hubby would react or he would go and casually talk to him and find out what was wrong with him. Finally hubby and I could talk and work things out. Or once or twice have an argument and his brother would be the referee, (no hitting) just getting both of us to shut up for a minute so we could actually hear what the other one was saying.
I know talking with someone about spanking is hard, but maybe there is someone that knows them both and about their relationship, so it could casually be brought up.
Hope it all works out. You are being a wonderful friend to her.
Good Luck
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence."
Sloan Wilson
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Victoria_wood
Spanko
Username: Victoria_wood
Post Number: 144
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 - 06:43 am: |
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I have one other thought, that may or may not apply. In my relationship with my ex, described above, we didn't have sex or spanking for 5 years. I had the whole thing set up in my head as I wanted it and she did not. But as it turns out, in retrospect I realized that I didn't want it either. I didn't trust her.
A lot of times when a couple stops being intimate, it seems like one is at fault but it is really a dynamic. So I think your friend should also think about -- or at least take the position when talking to her husband that -- they are both playing into the dynamic. Now, it might just be him, but probably she is also taking a role and needs to figure it out and take responsibility for it.
Cheers,
Victoria
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